Sunday 26 August 2007

Thanks

So the old lady's daughter in law came by today with flowers to say thank you. I looked like a complete idiot, my flat was a mess and I forgot my Danish so early in the morning. But that was nice. Apparently old lady is dying from cancer, and she is at home to die (they seem to do that a lot in Denmark) daughter in law said she may have had a whiskey and gone crazy.

Why can't people look after people that's all I say. She shouldn't have been alone and scared like that at all. If that was my mother in law I'd move in with her and take care of her. I would. I guess I'm just angry becasue I see mtself like that, alone and screaming for help in the cold- but with no one coming to rescue me.

These Lansoprazol I am taking for the ulcer, are making me very low. I'm a low spotty mess right now. Alone and scared and cold and screaming for help....

Saturday 25 August 2007

Help!

So at 4am I heard shouting from my window,, thought to my self..friday night- drunk bastards!! Then I heard the word HELP! (in in Danish hjælp!) It was dark and I couldn't see anything- so possibly like a fool, I grabbed keys and phone and rushed out, and there in oneo f the gardens across the road was an old lady in not much of a nightdress laying on the floor. I spoke to her in Danish.. assertained that she'd been trying to lock the door and fell down, and that she'd hurt her back. She understood what I said to her. Then (luckily) another of my elderly neighbours came out- I gave her my cellphone and she called an ambulance, whilst I went inside and got blanket and pillows. then we sat and held her hands and talked to her- she was so cold!

What I can't believe is out of a whole street of people only I and the other old lady went to help. Where was everyone else?? They could hear the screams for help as much as us! The other old lady said she was scared but when she saw me go over she thought she'd help.

I feel bad for not going over there sooner but if I hadn't no one else would have! And I'm the foreigner!!! It's a cold night- the old lady probably wouldn't have made it laying on concrete in the rain.

So there I managed to squeeze in my friday good deed. It makes you think though- when you cry for help who will come? Will people be too afraid ?(and with good reason)

Now to try and sleep!

Friday 24 August 2007

Lonely

Hormones, medication, whatever the reason for feeling like I do right now, I'm still feeling it. Having spent the last week entirely alone except a couple of visits to drs that didnt listen to me anyway and my cats, I'm starting to feel a little bit isolated.

The doctor yesterday was nice. It seems I picked up a bug on my travels and the bug has been eating my insides and making them swell up. NowI have a stomach ulcer- http://www.mamashealth.com/stomach.asp which it actually ok, because I can take medication for it. So I can go back to work on monday.

My period started yesterday, so maybe it's the hormones, or maybe it's the medication or maybe it's just lonliness. I am just sitting here crying, and feeling alone. I don't know why, so that probably means it's hormonal. Fucking hormones.

I know my friends have been saying stuff to me, that makes me question what I am doing. I know they have my best interests at heart, but I have told them I don't want to discuss that part of my life, as it makes me doubt when they say things, and they don't have an understanding of how things really are.

Anyway need a new lifestyle, a new diet (or in fact a diet) and find a way to relax.. thinking about yoga..

Tuesday 21 August 2007

Worrying


Thinking through problems and challenges is a healthy response to life pressures, giving us the impetus to do what needs to be done – to assess, take responsibility for change, and take action. But sometimes, instead of working out the solution to a challenge, we become caught up with unresolved concerns. At this stage, planning has turned into worrying.

Worrying is not the same as the medical diagnosis of "anxiety disorder", when anxious thoughts take over our lives to the degree that we need professional help. But worries can still prevent us from enjoying life to the full.

But why do we worry?Almost everyone feels worried sometimes. Certain situations throughout life are particularly likely to make us feel worried. These could include being ill, looking for a new job, feling insecure in a relationship. There are many underlying reasons for worrying.

Some psychologists think that excessive worrying is rooted in personality types. Others believe it can be traced back to negative childhood events. More serious anxiety disorders can be due to a disturbance of chemicals in the brain. For one in ten people, worrying spirals out of control. Excessive worry can stop us from working effectively and taking risks. When we worry too much, we obsess over situations we can only partly control. We also worry about things that, realistically, we are powerless to change, such as being injured in a freak accident. Worrying can also produce other emotional and physical symptoms.

Sometimes, the process of worrying about a problem becomes much bigger than the problem itself. So we often need to learn to deal with worries head on. Talking to trusted friends or relatives is a useful way to articulate worries and negative feelings. It can give a fresh perspective and help us to see the situation more clearly. It can also be useful to acknowledge our worst fears about a worrying situation. By considering how to react to a worst-case scenario – and seeing how unlikely such a bad outcome really is – we can increase the sense of being able to cope, and decrease our anxieties.

Many people find writing helpful. Write down specific worrying situations. Take one problem and break it down into parts, ranking them in order of importance. Work out a solution for each task and when to complete it. Plan a reward for achieving each goal. Recent research suggests that expressive writing can minimise intrusive thoughts about negative events. Start a journal to write down thoughts and feelings.

Worrying can stem from a lack of self-confidence, so it may help to attend a self-assertiveness class to improve your interpersonal skills. We tend to worry more when we are stressed, so it can help to allow ourselves breathing space to step back and reflect. Don't take on unrealistic commitments. There is increasing evidence that regular exercise helps to reduce anxiety. It provides valuable "time out" and can release brain chemicals that improve mood. Aerobic exercise is most beneficial – try a brisk 20-minute walk a few days a week.

Regular meals and a balanced, high-fibre diet will provide sustained levels of energy to keep you on an even keel. Avoid high caffeine and alcohol intake – both can increase anxiety and can worsen worrying.Many people find complementary therapies useful, including acupuncture, reflexology and aromatherapy

Sometimes, self-help is not enough to overcome persistent worrying. Medical treatment – Drugs are sometimes used to treat people with anxiety. These can include tranquillisers, particularly benzodiazepines. However, these are addictive and are only used as a short-term treatment for severe anxiety. Antidepressants are also prescribed to treat the symptoms of anxiety. They have the advantage that they are not addictive, so they can be used as a longer-term treatment. Talking therapies – Another treatment option is a "talking therapy". Talking therapies aim to address negative thoughts and behaviours and deal with underlying causes of anxiety through a series of sessions with a trained therapist. The type of talking therapy may depend on the severity of the anxiety. Examples include: Cognitive behaviour therapy – This treatment helps examine the ways we think (cognition) about the world around us, exploring connections between our anxiety and how we think, feel and behave. By learning new ways of thinking and behaving we are better able to face our fears. Psychodynamic psychotherapy – This treatment focuses on the underlying emotional causes of psychological problems such as childhood events, unresolved conflicts and family relations. Psychotherapy can take a long time to yield results and can be an expensive treatment. Counselling – this is similar to psychotherapy but more informal. Unlike psychotherapy, a counsellor may give direct advice with the aim of helping you explore how to make positive choices in life. Counsellors need not be medically or psychologically trained and may only have practical experience and training.

Worrying can make life difficult, for both you and those that have to reassure you. Although it takes time and energy, the result of dealing with it can be a less stressful, more fulfilling life. Personally I write in my blog.

Monday 20 August 2007

Fear and cramping in Copenhagen

Back to the hospital today, and although I'm scared, I'm glad I'm going people right now I feel like I'm dying. I look terrible- I have mouth ulcers and spots on my face, dark circles under my eyes. When I look in the mirror I don't even see me anymore. And the pain in my stomach is close to unbearable.

I'm scared for two reasons. One is that they will find something wrong, and the other is that they won't and I will be in this state the rest of my life.

Just got to go face it really.. I'm so tired- spent the last two days on the couch.. my house is a mess- and I haven't been out at all- I'd be so ashamed if I had visitors! Just haven't got any energy at all.. but have to force myself into the shower and into my car today.

Trying to avoid people as much as possible- I think I'd scare them if they saw this Angel-Zombie!!

Friday 17 August 2007

Esteem issues

I have incredibly low self esteem- especially premenstrually. I wasn't born this way. As a baby I'd cry and expect to be fed, but somewhere along the way it got battered out of me. But how do you get high esteem? I always think other people are better than me. I get jealous when boyfriends talk to other women, or when other women flirt with my boyfriends.

The thing is - I see them as a better option than me- I am short and plain and have curly brown hair. They are tall and blond and have long brown legs and wear short skirts to show them. How can I compete with that! More importantly- how do I stop thinking like that?! How do I stop thinking that at the first opportunity a guy is going to run off with another woman ?(It's happened before).

When I was career girl back in England, the management always used to send me on confidence courses. It's not that I don't have confidence- I have a quiet confidence. But I see myself as this small person who everyone else is better than. My parents made me this way- no doubt. But how to fight it. Better still- how to change it?

Happy

Thank you for those of you who were concerned, I'm not dead, or in hospital- just don't need to write so much right now.

Happiness- a series of chemical reactions that lead to a feeling of wellbeing. I have chemical reactions right now, and although my wellbeing isn't quite there yet- it's on it's way.

To get rid of unecessary things from your life and keep those close that mean a lot to you is scary but very refreshing. But on the way you also lose things that mean a lot to you, it makes you sad but in the end it's for the best, even though it may hurt.

Right now Angel is happy (gasp) I hope it lasts...

Monday 13 August 2007

Mosquitos

People get together and break up all the time. So why did I take this one so hard? Because I really believed he was "the one". I believed. Something I don't do often. Not only that but the unfairness of it all got to me, that he didn't get to know the real me. Time to stop talking about that subject I guess.

Mosquitos. what the fuck are they about? Not only am I sick, stressed and heartbroken, I have to endure a billion mosquitos sucking my blood and zipping past my ears! It's like they are sucking the life out of me.

Not that there is much life in me right now. I don't open myself up to people very often and tell them how I really am, feel, but I did yesterday and they didn't run away screaming, they offered to help me. Someone offered to help me. That means a lot, because right now I feel so alone. Sitting in hospital with no visitors makes you realise how alone you are. And perhaps I AM emotionally broken, and I DO need fixing. But finding help for that isn't easy at all.

Anyway it's only the female mosquitos that bite, they need the protein to produce eggs. Everyone is just trying to procreate, and whilst doing it they get smacked into a wall. Sounds familiar huh?

Sunday 12 August 2007

Falling and Shaking

Your heart beats when they walk in a room, their scent drives you wild, you'd do anything to make them smile. Yes. You're in love. You want to spend all your time with them, gaze into their eyes, hear them tell you they love you. Thinking about them, a future with them makes your heart swell in your chest, and ache a bit. All you want to do is make them happy.

But falling in love isn't easy. It's not something that happens every day. You can't make yourself love someone. You just do, or don't.

When you do and they do, it can be wonderful, amazing, walking on the beach together, just standing holding each other. When you don't it's not so great you hurt them and you know you're hurting them and there is nothing you can do about it. When you do and they don't that also sucks, because shaking off love is very very hard.

Shaking off the love. How do you do that, when it's a series of chemicals telling you to procreate with that person? Where do you get the antidote to that?

Truth is when your heart decides it loves someone, there is no antidote. You're pretty much fucked, and for a long long time too. This is why there are so many songs and poems about the subject. There is actually a science dedicated to studying the biochemical, neurological and physiological imperatives driving the apparently haphazard choices we make as we fall in (and out of) love, and the psychological disorders that can result when love goes wrong. The science of heartbreak-love hurts.

Saturday 11 August 2007

Men.

Men. Strange specimens aren't they... some like you to wear high heels in bed, or dress up in underwear.. they're all about the sex and some just like you as you are- the person you are, and want to get to know the true you. Some men like it when you cook for them and are homely. Other men just want to use you when it suits them and dump you when it doesn't. Some men can talk about how they feel if they get jealous, others just throw tantrums. Some men are spoiled rich kids that never grew up, others are caring and considerate and human.

Some men laugh when you dance, enjoy it when you sing, and have fun photographing you. Others cancel you for most dates, and dump you when you finally have one. Some men aren't perfect physically, others aren't perfect at all. Some men can't get enough of you and want to see you constantly.. others can't even spare 5 minutes to call you. Some men want to be loved, other men just want to be respected. Some men are easier to understand than others. If you could always choose the good men and filter out the bastards life would be so much easier.

Some women just attract psychopathic mental cases. Well my psychopathic mental case just left me and seems a lot happier for it. Good for him. I guess my friends were right- I did want to look after him and save him. A part of me still believes in him and wants to hold him and save him.

But now I have discovered men that want to look after me and save me. thses men are kinder and rich in far more many and important ways than simply money.


Friday 10 August 2007

Finding stability in chaos

Ended up in hospital after the last post. The on call doctor, looked at my swollen stomach and sent me to the emergency room. Here I was catheterised and sent up the the wards. Nice. At least all the fluid from my stomach is gone now! They are still not sure what is wrong and I have to go back for more tests..but an interesting inside experience of the Danish health system..! So many observations, so little time or energy to blog!

Anyway have had time to think (in between examinations) and I am slowly gaining my strength and dignity. I figured out that my life has no boundaries and that I need some boundaries to feel safe. Whether that is stable home or stable employment or a stable person in my life- but at least one of those things would be good. Have kind of given up on the person, so now concentrating on job and home.




Wednesday 8 August 2007

Start all over again

So much for being amicable! He was just so mean and rude to me by sms- with no reason... saying he doesn't want anything to do with me and not to contact him. He just made me very angry. There was no need for that. We were ok. Amicable was ok. Not ideal but bearable. Now I am hurt, double hurt, and angry. I don't like anger- it's a wasted emotion.

I have shown him nothing but love and respect. Now I just lost my respect for him saying mean stuff to me, there is no need to kick someone when they are obviously down.

No. I wil not let my anger out. I will not take revenge or try to hurt him even though I know I could. I will not stoop to his level. I will hold my head up high and face him and the world with dignity every day I have to.

Dignity, clarity and a quiet love...

Dust yourself off

I have been facing it. But I miss him so much. Other men offer the comfort of their arms, and it helps to forget him-but this much love doesn't go away quickly. However, I don't think he ever loved me. He said he feels relieved that it's over. That's what my love means....scary huh?

And yet there are people who will fight for my heart, people who show they love me, show they care, and if only I was ready I would enjoy that so much. But right now my heart is still filled with him.

But how do you get rid of that. How do you stop loving someone you told you'd love forever- when you meant it? Wish there was a drug you could take...

My illness has also gotten worse- probably the stress, and not sleeping or eating properly, but that sucks big time too.

Anyway, he has made it double clear he doesn't want me. There are other men making it double clear they do, despite the knowledge that I am in love with another man. AT least he is amicable- I suppose...

So all that remains is to figure out what the hell to do with my life...

Sunday 5 August 2007

Pick yourself up

Strength and courage don't come easily. You have to fight for them. You have to take them from other people. And you have to block out all the unecessary energy use in order to survive. You have to keep on going, keep on fighting. As Confucius once said " Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do."

Sometimes people, relationships drain us of energy and we don't see it until it is too late and we are left tired and used and drained. It is then important to take stock of yourself, centre yourself and find the strength from within. Others can help with this but in the end it must come from within.

This kind of attitude has been around for centuries. Don't think you're the only one who ever felt this way. Courage has been admired for years. But courage comes in many forms, bravery comes in many forms. For some it could be pulling someone from a fire, getting through a serious illness, and then for others it could be merely getting through the day, facing the world and surviving.

Let's not forget the song from the 1936 Fred and Ginger movie Swing time and the lyrics by Dorothy Fields:



"Nothing's impossible I have found,

For when my chin is on the ground,

I pick myself up,

Dust myself off,

Start All over again.



Don't lose your confidence if you slip,

Be grateful for a pleasant trip,

And pick yourself up,

Dust yourself off,

Start all over again.



Work like a soul inspired,

Till the battle of the day is won.

You may be sick and tired,

But you'll be a man, my son!



Will you remember the famous men,

Who had to fall to rise again?

So take a deep breath,

Pick yourself up,

Dust yourself off,

Start all over again."




Friday 3 August 2007

Unfairytale

He promised me a fairytale... "just be in love with me" he said.... "next is a wonderful life with me" he said. He lied. He's a fucking coward- that's what he is. I am on the edge of despair because I lost his love. But what did his love really mean? Sex? Security? Happiness? What it meant was I was always waiting for him, hoping he would show me love. I threw my love at him everyday, it was his choice not to see it, catch it, keep it.

Why am I suicidal? Because I failed HIM? He failed. I worked my hardest and tried my best HE was the one that failed.

It's not like there are not any men to replace him, there are practically queues of men lining up at my door (sounds a bit naff but it's true). I am a young(ish) desirable, kind and beautiful person with a lot to give. But someone must WANT to be given it. He did not.

The way it ended has upset me a lot and I cannot stop crying, but maybe I will take one of those men up who want to try make me happy and let them look after me and cuddle me and hold me and help make me feel loved and make it all better. And don't worry I'm not that much of a heart breaker- all these people know I am in love with that one guy, I am honest about how I feel. But if they want to hold me, why shouldn't I be held whilst I cry?

I know I'm not going to get over him anytime soon but like HE says... vil bare videre nu...

Suicide is Painless

Suicide, Attention seeking? Desperation? There is a lot about it on the internet, there are even ways to commit suicide listed on the net (http://www.cat.pdx.edu/~chuff/holiday.html).

But what do you do if you are in emotional pain and there is no help or guidance? A lot of the links to suicide sites are made by religeous groups. "But before you think about suicide.. stop and think..god loves you.." etc etc.

There are many people who have a meloncholy view on life.. Sylvia Plath.. Virginia Woolf.. they used writing as a way of self expression and yet they both ended up commiting suicide.

But what do you do when no one understands you? When your view on life is bleak and black, and worst of all no one loves you? Here in Denmark it is not easy to seek psychological help, you have only your few friends to turn to, and they say things like "you'll get over it" and "it can't be that bad". It doesn't really help.

Thursday 2 August 2007

Love's labour's lost

Love is now lost forever to me. How could I be so stupid as to think someone would trust and care for me. I am not worthy of that. I am not worthy of anything. I feel so empty, so useless and such a failure. Having recieved my final divorce papers the other day, I feel like I will never find or keep love again- ever.

I haven't stopped crying all night. I just picture his face all hurt and tired and very angry at me. There is nothing I can do or say to make it any better. There is nothing anyone else can do or say to make it any better. I really don't think I can go on feeling like this.

The thing is there is no system to deal with people in distress in denmark. There is no help. There is no where to turn. I am tired and lost. What am I going to do???

Wednesday 1 August 2007

Late Date

Gentlemen.... so you're running late for a date.. excusable..so is she.. she's busy tidying trying to look like she always keeps a tidy house, busy stuffing things in drawers, vacuuming etc etc.. but 35 mins ...an hour..two hours late? Without a call, an sms? nothing?? Diabolical I tell you.

I mean she's spent the last 4-5 hours preparing for you- she has mood music on, she's even singing along...the least you can do is make the effort to say "sorry I'm late" or give some guideline as to your arrival or if you even intend to keep this date.

It detracts from the date, before she was ready to pounce on you, and now she's ready to pounce on you- but not in the good way. She feels you don't respect her, or care or think of her as any higher than a glorified sex toy.

So boys.. pick up that phone- it will be worth your while.. and don't forget the flowers!