Thursday 29 November 2007

SICK

In many ways. I am vomiting and pooing, but I am also sick of being treated like a second class citizen, in both work and "romance". It has to stop. Last straw is being ill and no one giving a shit. Cant even leave my apartment to get water.



I want more for myself. I want more out of life. Im not going to settle for anything less than I need.



Im not dependant on anyone or anything, I just proved that to myself. I am a strong human being- weather beaten perhaps, but not beaten.



I will not be made to feel second best.



I will not be the 53rd card in the pack.

I have my dreams and I will find them one day, if means I have to travel the world I will find what Im looking for. And if I never do- well at least I have followed my dreams and seen the world..

Only in my mind...

This is how I feel

I feel sick, tired, unvalued, angry, upset, disrespected, a low priority, bottom of the food chain, undesired, uneeded, uncared for, unwanted.

And yet I feel I work hard, love hard, am a good person. I keep promises. I make things happen, I do what I'm told to do.

So why do people treat me this way? Why do I let them? Why do people not keep their promises to me?

Where am I going with my life??

Who will answer my questions, who will talk to me, listen to me?

Wednesday 28 November 2007

WANTED

One day, as I guess every girl does, I hoped that some charming man would find me and shout "I WANT YOU" very loudly, and shower me with affection, and gifts of love.

What am I worth? Not much at the moment. Maybe somewhere someone out there knows my true value. But I guess I will have to find that out myself first before anyone else sees it.

Who am I? I ask myself.
I'm a girl, a woman, who loves too much, and gives too much and cares too much, and worries too much.

What else? Im a woman who's feminine in all senses of the word. A woman who gets jealous, and scared especially when shes hormonallly vulnerable.

What else? Im a good woman, who does good deeds. Who doesnt cheat or steal, who wants nothing more than to feel loved.

A woman who is poetic, witty, good with words, fun to be with, romantic...

A woman who wants a family, who will make a good mother.

A woman who needs to be cared for and looked after, but is also capable of these things.

A woman who can organise, prepare, think and plan.

A woman who can cook, and take care of a home.

A woman who works hard for the things that matter.

A woman who values love more highly than time or money. Who values family and friendships.

One day maybe somebody will appreciate the beauty in me.

I long for a home and a family. But maybe I should just travel instead of trying too hard to make that happen.

Monday 26 November 2007

Im a student again!

I know I go on about the crazy xe om drivers, but today I really nearly did get killed. Trusting my life to these crazy drivers is pretty insane, so today I went to the Danish embassy to get my drivers liscence translated so I can apply for a Vietnamese one, and get myself a bike!

I also became a member of The University of Vietnamese Language and Cultural Studies, and I now go to Vietnamese Classes every afternoon after work for 2 hours!


Also found out yesterday that a friend of mine is currently in Thailand, so I can arrange to meet up with him in Bangkok- so thats nice :) Small world huh...

Sunday 25 November 2007

Soul purpose

I seem to befriend souls rather than people. Certain souls are attracted to mine. Good souls- which is a good sign.... One such soul is Peter Lam. A taxi driver who is always parked outside my work. He's 50 something, and we have the best conversations despite the fact neither of us speak the others language. Crazy huh?

Take the other day, I went for a 5 minute break at the lake- Peter Lam got out his taxi and came and offered me a cigarette. We watched the dead fish floating on top of the lake as we smokes and we both shook our heads. I didnt bring my dictionary out on this occasion, so I couldn't decipher what he was saying to me but I knew it was wise.

Peter Lam is like a magical wizard- he seems to know when I'm in distress and appears at the right moment... The other day unable to find a taxi or motorbike taxi I started to walk home, I got two paces and there was Peter Lam in his taxi waving at me- how did he know??? This is the same chap that somehow knew I was from Denmark before I even met him....magical powers I tell you.

Anyway today I went to Big C (http://www.bigc-vietnam.com/home.php?Language=en)shopping. Big C is Vietnams answer to tesco extra (if youre english) Bilka (if youre danish) and target (if your american). I found it crazy with soo many people. I'm not sure I'd go back in a hurry- compare dto Denmark, wheres Ive just been living and is pretty much empty is was a crazy nightmare, and I missed Denmark for a moment.

Been feeling pretty sicky this past week, and the guys who came to fix my flat told me I needed medicine. I have a doctors check up booked on saturday so that should sort things out- but nice to know I look like crap huh?

Anyway, another working week starts, and I'm off tomorrow to explore The University for studying Vietnamese language with the young man who attempted to sell me a minsk (me on a minsk!!) His Vietnamese was amazing, but he's been living here a year so it should be :) People reckon 3 months and I'll be fluent- ha! That's what they said about Danish!! :)

Korea seems to have a huge influence over Vietnam, with their tv series and fashion, I didnt realise Korea was so ahead of everyone, even more than China it would seem.

Vietnamese couples seem so affectionate, the men seem to really be very sensitive and care about the women, it's all rather old fashioned movie love here- very sweet indeed..

Asking myself today what I need. Answer was tenderness and respect...

Saturday 24 November 2007

Waiting

Everyday I risk my life, crossing the road near my work to get my breakfast of xoi - a bundle of stickyvrice wrapped in newpaper with a salty dip. I probably risk my life eating it too...

I also risk my life on the back of xe om's buzzing around vietnam without a helmet on, but that's more fun.

Today I went around town, went to Lenin Park, watched the lovebirds canoodling by the lakes. Wondering to myself, whether someone somewhere is thinking of me, and then realising that they probably aren't.

I seem to be able to communicate with people, had my first vietnamese lesson today- it's not so hard really...

Starting to wonder if my life in denmark is worth going back to, whether I actually have a life to go back to. It's December next week. I seem to have no plans for christmas at all. It doesnt even feel like december its so hot. And yet when I bask in the sun people think Im insane. Here it's the "thing" to be white. As white as possible. Even all the moiturisers have special whitening properties in them! How insane is that?! Well I guess only as insane as having tanning properties in moisturisers, and using tanning beds etc...

I quite like the life here, I like having my thoughts to myself, being able to buy things I want, and being able to afford to go to beauty salons. Not that I buy much, but I could live like a princess if I wanted to.

Im just happy watching tv in bed, or wandering around the shops (which by the way are open 9-9 everyday- so convenient!) . I just keep myself to myself. Theres always people to meet if I need people, but right now Im just happy with my own company. I think thats ok. Thing is I've been so busy running around these past few weeks, I have had little time for myself, so I quite cherish the quiteness and solility of my bed bedroom and tv :) I pay enough for this apartment so I should spend time in it!

But soon I will start to go out and enjoy life. I need to get this week over with- it's been a bit traumatic for me. ..I need to figure out who the people are in my life that really care for me, and cut the ones out and stop wasting energy on the ones that don't.

I think I'm ready for a motorbike now, ready to explore on my own, although theers something about being behind the driver on a xe om, whizzing in and out of traffic, beepoing their horns at everything in their paths...quite exhillarating really...

Today whizzing along in the sunshine, I felt relaxed and happy. But rather than being with a stranger, just wished I was with someone I loved.

Tuesday 20 November 2007

Oi gioi oi

Feeling better now- thanks for your support! Hawaii sounds fun! I start my Vietnamese lessons on Saturday, so that should help me a bit with my confidence. Been buzzing around on the back of motorcycle taxis trying to get where I should be going, by writing down the address on a piece of paper and the amount of money I will pay- so far this works! Strangely I got into a taxi outside work, and was having a conversation (in vietnamese- with the help of my dictionary) with the driver, and he said you're from Denmark aren't you madam!! How strange. Either he was psychic or I'm getting a reputation...

I have a couple of sentences I can say without my little vietnamese book: Oi gioi oi- very popular in the office... and ten toi laa Shazzy :) Not sure of the spelling but also ten ban la gi - makes people smile and tell me their name :) So I'm picking it up. Vietnamese is easier to write than say... all those noises you have to make!!

Anyway things are stressfull right now but Im sure I'll get through it. So many things are wrong with this apartment it's untrue- but my landlordy people - one of whom brought me red roses at the weekend!! Seem to be fixing it all... slowly...

Better get to work. Already looking forward to the weekend!

Thursday 15 November 2007

So sad

I'm scared and alone in Vietnam. Nothing is going right. I have no friends, no family and no one seem to care at all I can't come "home" as I have no apartment. I'm not sure what I should do. I've been throwing up the last couple of days, and Im dehydrated and exausted.

I'm so scared, and have no one to turn to. I don't know what to do.

Wednesday 14 November 2007

Blocked Blog

My Blog is blocked from Vietnam. That's communism for you. Found a way in today.



So things have been up and down. Visited Lang Son at the weekend, a market town on the border of china with lots of cheap chinese stuff. Fun shopping there! I was the only foreigner- it's 5 hours out of Hanoi by coach.




Things with boyfriend going well, and missing him of course.




Things here are not easy. I'm finding obstacles everywhere. Moved into my apartment but can't seem to get the bank to give me money! So I'm behind with my rent. I don't have any insurance details or any way to find out whether vaccine for japenese encephelitis and rabies is available on insurance. I am not immunised and at risk. I'm insured through my work but trying to get details from them is like pulling a tooth! Every day on the roads my life is at risk. They don't wear nmotorcycle helmets and they drive like crazy. People from work are always giving me a ride home, and so many near- death experiences. Thing is as I'm not insured I'm pretty sure if I was in an accident, I wouldn't get treated and just get left to die...




I'm very tired and stressed at the moment. Things are hard at work, and at the apartment, and having no support network out here. And I'm trying to be a motivational inspiration which drains my energy. The worst is not having internet at home. That's my life! Trying to get it though...




Opened a bank account in Vietnam today and OMG were they helpful. Taxi driver took me there via Australia though.... geeez.




Just got to stay strong and focused..


Tuesday 6 November 2007

Valued in Vietnam

What am I worth? Seriously. I am a billion miles away in a foreign land, and my boyfriend has no time to talk to me. My office has no time to help me, actually on the recent staff list they sent out my team was added as an afterthought and I didn't even exist on the list! I am so upset today.

My life is in Denmark and I want so much for them to care. But Danes seem to find it very difficult to put themselves in others situation. They only seem to care about themselves. If someone at work needs a task done, they don't think about the chaos I'm in they just want it NOW. If I need help- there is no one there for me! Now the Vietnamese, even the strangers, seem to care about how I feel. I find this very upsetting, as the people who know me well don't care and these beautiful strangers do!

Perhaps it's a different mindset that the Vietnamese can see I'm very stressed trying to organise a home and paperwork all by myself in a strange language as well as work as hard as I can. Yesterday because my colleagues in denmark couldn't get themselves in gear, I had to work late. This meant I missed the banks to get the deposit for my apartment. So I had to bike round to every bank that would accept my card (not all accept foreign cards) and the maximum limit for the day wasn't enough! Bike ran out of petrol so Ha had to push it to a petrol station. Neither of us had eaten the whole day as we worked through lunch and missed out on breakfast. Went to go to dinner at the rooftop bar- closed. Of course it was. Went back to hotel around 8.30pm roomservice? Nothing left I could eat. Typical day. But all through that Ha was so sweet to me, and wouldn't even accept money for petrol!

The people I am renting the apartment from were so sweet, they even offered to lend me the money for the deposit themselves!!

I feel very very alone out here. Feels like I should just look after myself and forget the needs of everyone else.

Today I have to check out of hotel, move into apartment, find a bike, open a bank account, find a deposit for apartment, and all in my lunchtime whilst Im working like crazy.

I am so tired, so stressed, but at least the Vietnamese care...still feeling worthless though :(

Sunday 4 November 2007

More to Vietnam than Hanoi

Well, first trip organised- Ha's parents asked if I would like to go to Lang Son with them at the weekend. This is North of Hanoi- near the chinese border- 15km from the border. I think they are going to Ky Lua market- where much cheap products are sold from china. It's about 5 hours by bus from Hanoi and we will stay there overnight.

Markets here are scary- there are a few and Ha and I visited one today to get food for dinner. There was no need to get off the moped, everyone whizzes through the stalls on them, trying not to knock each other over. It's pretty crazy to see! But with so many different, fruit and vegetables- some I've never heard of- it's worth the visit- if you can communicate!

Ha's parents were so sweet to me. Her Dad asked me lots of questions about greenland and denmark, and her mum worried that I wasnt eating enough! She'd made me so much food- all gluten and pig free! And it tasted SO amazing!! I tried my Vietnamese- but the pronunciation is so hard! I start lessons soon.

Well tomorrow I sign a housing contract, hire a moped and start work- wish me luck!! Not sure which is worse really. There are no laws in vietnam. The traffic lights are merely a suggestion and everyone ignores them. Driving the wrong way down a street is normal- but joining in this craziness is kind of exhilarating- I'm looking forward to it :)

Flying around Hanoi

Have literally been flying around Hanoi the last few days- organising everything!

Hmm think I am paying too high for the apartment- but not sure what to do about that. But I have figured out that I can RENT a scooter from around 50USD (25 GBP/250DK) a month so over 6 months that would be a bit cheaper and easier than buying- plus if it goes wrong they will fix it and insurance (hopefully) is coveredhttp://www.offroadvietnam.com/eng/18-59.php :)

The following is pretty much notes to myself, but feel free to feel envious- or just come visit! :p

Hey I can fly to Thailand for 80 USD return (that's around 40 quid or 400dk!) weekend in thailand maybe.. I can also fly to kuala lumpar for around 200 usd (96 quid or 960dk) K.L is a four hour flight and bangkok is a one hour flight away! Both flights are with http://www.airasia.com/ so check if you don't believe me :) With http://www.tigerairways.com/ I can reach singapore in 3 hours for around 240 usd (115 quid/1150dk). With pacific airways I can reach Saigon in 2 hours for 127usd(60 quid/600dk). Airasia also offer packages 2 night stay in 5 star hotel including flights and breakfast= 257 usd (thats 123 gbp/1230dk!!!). With cathay pacific it's 2 hours to Hong Kong.

Anyway lots of information about Hanoi airport and the routes serviced here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noi_Bai_International_Airport

And a return ticket to europe? 838USD (400GBP 4000DK) Hmm.. should I come "home" for christmas..or stay in the sunshine...? :) or maybe more communism in russia/prague/budapest for 630USD... with vietnam airlines...

and visas required?
singapore - no gain visitor pass on entry
hongkong - no
malaysia - no
thailand - no

Anyway- off to dinner this evening at Ha's parents- my first time in a Vietnamese home. Ha's parents don't speak english so I get a chance to try my Vietnamese...wish me luck! :)

Saturday 3 November 2007

New home in Hanoi

The day before yesterday I ventured out alone- I went to the british embassy to register- after I went for a walk whilst I waited for Ha to come with me to look at apartments. I discovered a mall- and realised that I am a bit of a queen here! Everything is so cheap it's unbelievable. You can pick up an ipod for 20 quid (200dk)... the shoes are 9 pounds (90DK).. in the evening two of us ate for under 2 USD!!! I saw one apartment but it wasnt good.

My friend Ha is helping me a lot- I am very glad I have her- she is a lovely person and a good friend to me!I feel quite bad that my money is worth more here- but it's not my fault. It's very embarassing, especially as she uses her petrol and phone to help me out, I want to help her pay but she is very proud and wont let me sometimes! This makes me feel worse!

I really like it here. Despite the obvious language problems (starting lessons soon)and I have a huge challenge at work - but I like a challenge!


I'll be buying a local phone and a moped soon- necessities here in Hanoi it would seem :)

Yesterday I actually found an apartment. I had to choose between a beautiful house by the lake, and a duplex in a skyscraper. The house by the lake was 750USD a month, and was in between lots of other similar 3 storey houses. It was 2 minutes to moped to work on a quiet road, but supermarkets were a way away.

The apartment was on two floors also with 3 bedrooms. It was a bit newer, had also 3 bathrooms, but the security was better and it has a rooftop bar- I talked to the owner and he would like me to sing some saturdays in his bar :) The bar has wifi internet so I can also work there whilst sipping cocktails :) SO although there's no outdoor area- theres the roof bar which is a bonus... and a supermarket and bank on the ground level. Banks are very useful because 500 kroner (50 pounds) is about 2 million Dong!! And this is a LOT of money to carry around!!

Also the apartment people will supply everything I need machine-wise so although it's more at 900USD it seems the better option. Although I loved that house- the apartment is only 5 mins on moped from work.

But negotiations are still going on- the house owner wants 6 months money up front!! I don't have that kind of money!!! So the agent is negotiating now- I am very nervous about handing huge sums of money over- in Vietnam that is a FORTUNE!!

So anyway today I am trying to find a moped. I will try find a second hand one as new ones cost around 500 quid (5000DK)


One more thing- who are these mystery people writing on my blog?? Email me or something because I REALLY dont know who you are???!! :)

By the way the pic today is me in Vietnam- click it to see it big sized :) That's Ha's moped- I will buy one like that :)

Thursday 1 November 2007

At home in Hanoi

Here I am in Hanoi. arrived yesterday and it felt like I'd never been away! Haven't seen much of Hanoi though- arrived around midday and spent the rest of the day recovering from a very bad journey. I don't recommend thai air!

Also read the not very clear luggage rules wrong and had to ditch half the things I brought with me at the airport. This was surprisingly easy- it's amazing how much you dont need stuff you think you need!

Currently in a hotel in hanoi, which is very luxurious, but laid in bed last night and felt a bit lonely- but thats only to be expected.

It's raining here right now- very warm but light drizzle- I'm off to the embassy today and see some apartments. Venturing out alone! It's amazing how I don't feel any different, this could be denmark or anywhere and I just feel fine. Wherever I lay my computer is home...