You're right I am dead alraedy. I just don't think I belong on this planet. Trying to think back to times I have been happy. I think the first time I felt happiness was when my ex husband asked me to marry him. Someone wanted me finally, someone accepted me, loved me, needed me.
The second time is when we bought our house.. our home, finally my own home, somewhere I could stay and be peaceful in, a place for our children to run around it. Somewhere to settle.
Other happy times are flashes- getting my first permanent job in denmark, and that meaning I was able to stay in the country I loved, on my motorbike driving in the sunshine, at my ex boyfriends summerhouse, finally spending some quality time with him, feeding the ducks and just being happy. But those moments are rare to me. I rarely feel safe or secure or looked after. So maybe I am dead. I don't like or fit in with most people. I just don't understand them and of course no one understands me. That's not true the last guy that understood me, I pushed away, quite cruelly. I really don't think I deserve a life. I don't do anything with it. I'm a failure, a fraud, and unlovable.
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
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Everyday lamentation from Angel- as a source of coping in an otherwise lonely and unforgivable world.
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About Me
- Angel
- I'm a Grace Kelly in the wrong era, the character in the movie that you identify with but who doesn't fit in the real world. I'm a real woman with real mood swings. I feel, I love, I laugh, I cry, and I talk through movies. I require loving, understanding and forgiving, and in return give those and much more. I'm intelligent but not sharp, I'm sensitive but not soft, I am tough but not chewy. I am a chocoholic, an ice cream addict and skip proper meals, although I love to cook, and I am quite good at it. I have no interest in how drunk you got or who you vomited over. I am playful and love children, although don't have any yet. Horror stories scare me, black humour makes me laugh out loud. I laugh at my own jokes and groan at yours. I am always right but trying to change that. I write songs and sometimes record them. My lyrics and poetry can be viewed here: http://www.myspace.com/AngelIM I am a caterpillar in a cocoon and hope to be a butterfly soon. Who are you...?
3 comments:
I have now read your blog, and by telling you this, hopefully now you can add a coping resources.
If you still need or want someone anonymous or not to talk/write to you can reach me at (jtsn20 at homail). if not then know that someone is listning at the other end of the blog.
I dont think you are right. You deserve life and life deserves you. But you need to want it. You need to ejoy it for it to give you plessure and happiness.
Understandig is one thing but accepting is a completely different thing. We all have to accept out past and let it stay there. Otherwise we cant cope. A lot of things has happend to me aswell these last weeks and if I didnt accept and just let it be I would go creazy. Im sure things will turn for the better soon.
I dont think you are right. You deserve life and life deserves you. But you need to want it. You need to ejoy it for it to give you plessure and happiness.
Understandig is one thing but accepting is a completely different thing. We all have to accept out past and let it stay there. Otherwise we cant cope. A lot of things has happend to me aswell these last weeks and if I didnt accept and just let it be I would go creazy. Im sure things will turn for the better soon.
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