Finding myself

On the journey back to Denmark now. I feel like no time has gone by at all, but it has, and I know everyone and everything will have changed or more scarily wont have.

Being met by a stranger at the airport is kind of a new one, but hes being so kind and helping pick up my cats and belongings. More than any of my "friends" offered to do.

I know now that I am a better person for my experiences and all the people I met on the way taught me something about myself or the world. A brief summary of my trip would be..

Finding myself

I found myself in Denmark, in what I thought was love
I ran away from his wily ways, and tried to get him out my heart
I found myself in Vietnam, with people just like me
Petite and like-minded and quietly I sailed on Halong sea.
I found myself in Bangkok, with an American friend
We dallied around Khaosan road
And would later meet up again.

I found myself in Singapore
And met people so kind and nice
And ate Indian and Chinese food all served up with rice
I found myself on an overnight train from Singapore to K.L
Spent time in the sun and then moved on
And then found myself on Borneo

In the jungle I found myself
With 2 Australian men
We kept in touch and little did I know
I would be seeing those two again
I found myself in the Phillippines with that American again
And a woman so desperate who called herself my friend
I partied down with lesbians and danced away the night
Then easter weekend to Australia I boarded a flight.

I found myself in Perth with a very wonderful man
Who made me feel young and safe again
and showed me that I can.
I found myself in Borneo with beautiful clear blue skies
The Australian popped over for a day
What an amazing surprise.

Then I found myself back in bangkok amongst the dirt and noise
And I knew then that I know myself
And that I have to make a choice.
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So there you have it. I dont think I am scared anymore. I have been on public transport and found my way around so many different countries I can no longer be afraid of Denmark. Perhaps I am indestructible now....

Foibles

People annoy other people. Men annoy women, thats a well documented fact, scratching their genitals in public, burping, farting, biting their nails, owning a beer belly, wearing clothes that dont suit them, not getting a haircut.. but how do we women stop nagging men, stop being irritated by their little foibles? I mean if a man loves you, who cares if he scratches his genitals, or burps in public? What does it matter and why does it annoy us so much? No one is perfect, hell Im far from it with my nagging and depression, and silly giggle. So why do these little things annoy us? We have to see the bigger things.. the love, the understanding, the protection, the commitment, and not focus on these little things or what other people think.

Anyway flying to jakarta soon, and ten on to bangkok... still no hotel book and bit worried about that coonsidering what happened last time I was in bangkok! Still, as they say in Australia, shell be alright....

Back to the start

Had the most amazing weekend. As you can see from the picture, played with monkeys in the jungle. Luke came over to join me for the weekend, and we had a great time. He is just such a great guy, and I will miss him a lot. It just so comfortable being with him, and I think he is the first person to understand me,be honest with me, not judge me, and just accept me for who I am. Amazing.

Trying to get my head back into Copenhagen now and its not easy, but it feels like I havent been away long although 6 months have passed for those I left behind.

Still, meeting up with everyone at the weekend so that should be a hell of a party! Except those who cant make it.. (no names Doc.)

Got a long journey tomorrow through Jakarta and to Bangkok, and then I have to pick up my suitcase from storage and just pray its all not too heavy now!

Not sure if I can hack it too long in copenhagen, have already an invite to go to Nepal at the end of may... have to see what happens with jobs and stuff!

Death of a salesman

And I thought I had it hard to find a mate! Was chatting to my new Balinese friend Agung and she has it really hard. Not only is she expected to find someone who lives on Bali BUT they also have to be the same caste as her! Needle in a haystack! So guess I am pretty lucky I have the whole world to choose from.

Wait a minute though, choice isn't necessarily a good thing. I mean I keep picking people who are bad for me. I seem to be attracted to people who are bad for me, they intrigue me, draw me in, even though I know they won't look after me or my feelings, and will only think about themselves and their world. These people are rich and powerful mostly, they are highly intelligent salesmen, with silver tongues, who speak about wanting children and settling down and yet don't act like it.

These people fall in love with me without even knowing me, and they think they love me with a passion. Something I have learned about that passion though, is that it soon dies out, and what is left. When these boys get to know the real me, the chase is over and they are gone. No, in a mate I want comfortableness and comfort, intelligence has now fallen on my list although an IQ of over 70 would be nice. I want someone who compliments my qualities, with whom I feel safe. My wild days of sharing poetry or amazing music staying up til the early hours talking and being fascinated by a man with so much over confidence and testosterone, hoping that one day he will show me the love I need, I hope, are over. Someone who gives me what I need, and not just talks about it, someone prepared to go that extra mile to show me I'm worth it.

Just hope I don't fall for the wrong ones again. I think though, now that I am not desperately in need of affection that I would sell out to get it. I am attracted to testosterone though, men with weaknesses, femininity tend to turn me off, yet the other end is aggressiveness, which I have had enough of too. No, the man should do the running, of that I'm sure. But he won't have to run too much, just enough for me to know it's real. A man with integrity and sincerity, with honesty and loyalty.

Now I know what I need..where do I find him? Or does he find me...?

Balmy Bali

Spent the day cycling along(no cycle helmet aussies!) the coastline from Sanur.. felt rich withdrawing a million Rps from the atm (around 50 quid) Im a queen out here! Cycled up to Sindhu beach, where there are 3 clothes shops and the women owners were apoplecticly trying to get me into their shops, once one started they all did..."you just looking" "look my shop" "no look MY shop" I kinda did want to look, but they scared me so much just cycles away as fast as I could into oncoming traffic..

Next I hit Parigata beach which seemed to be all about water sports with a billion boats in the sea, and locals and local kids flying kites. After that was Segara.. but these beaches with their yellow sands and people yelling at me to look at their shops, just aren't a patch on the white sands and clear waters of Perth!

Cycling along the roads I took in the balmy scent of jasmine and blossoms, mixed with the heavy air. I was slightly surprised to see a Danish design shop (you Danes travel!) and a Swedish restaurant, and I heard so many Danish voices floating through the air.

Back at the hotel now, nursing my mosquito bite from last night which strangely has a purple rash surrounding it. Thinking about going for a quick swim... I seem to be a lot better at swimming now, although still doing that old doggy paddle...

Luke gets it tomorrow night to spend the weekend with me which will be nice, even though he only has one full day here, I will really enjoy his company and fully intend to drag him around to see monkeys!

Bali is quiet and sleepy (well Sanur is) with lots of greenery and blossoms, warm balmy air even at night, and friendly people. The hawkers ruin it slightly for me, but it is charming with all the indiana jones style stone carvings and temple like frontages and buildings about. Bali is one of the only places around here with a hindu majority, as opposed to it's islamic surroundsings, although there are many islamics here, the clothing is more relaxed.

Even managed to find a gelato stop on the cycle back...and it was great gelato too! Yes the way of life here is sedate, met a Canadian woman who is staying here on her own for 2 months! We met over breakfast, both of us sitting there alone with our laptops for company :) The place I am staying is like having your own apartment so many people are here long-term.

Even the nasally american voices dont quite ruin the peacefulness there is here....

The young and the restless

I suppose it's my own fault. Lining up potential dates before I got home. Now I have a ridiculous amount of suitors to date when I get back to Denmark, not to mention those amazing people I have met in other parts of the world. I am actually scared of dating. What if I choose the wrong guy AGAIN and get my heart broken AGAIN??

All the guys I know seem very sweet, and wise, and fun, but what about when reality strikes? When they get whiff of depression or get to know the real me? Will they disappear? And where do I want to be? What if I meet a guy in Denmark and then decide Australia is really for me? And what if I go to Australia and with a guy and it doesn't work out? What if they read this blog and think I'm crazy?

On one hand it would be fun to have lots of dates again, but on the other I kind of want to settle down now. And most of the dates are younger than me, successful men in their prime, with their own businesses and careers, a few of them are vocal about ready to have kids and a few are still a bit young and want to travel the world, although maybe I could go with them..

I wanted to think that if I met the right man everything would fall into place.. maybe this is still true, but I have seemed to meet a lot of right men in my travels and yet nothing is as yet falling into place.

The fortune teller in the Phillippines said that I would marry someone younger than me, so now I am not ruling out younger men (before I would have run a mile) But how young is too young? Does it make me a cougar to date someone younger than me? Demi Moore can do it right? Is ten years too much of an age gap? five? What if I end up with someone ten years younger than me, will I always be wondering if they wanted someone younger? If theyd sowed their wild oats enough? If I was looking old and wrinkly next to them and their young friends?If I would have time to have a baby?

Yep. Dating isn't easy, especially at my age when biological clocks are a dynamic. I mean I love running around having fun without responsibility but I do one day want to have my own kids and I dont want that to pass me by. I guess there are people like Nicol Kidman who are having their first babies in their 40's, but look at the complications that can be involved in that!

Still theres always medical science to help out in such dilemmas:
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/93587.php

http://www.life-style-choices.com/

If I wanted just a baby it probably wouldn't be hard to get one, but the thing is I want a loving family- the whole package..which seems a bit harder....

Am I even ready for that?

Botox and Bali

So here I am in absolute luxury in Bali- all by myself. Feel incredibly lonesome but maybe it's what I need to get me to focus on going "home" to Denmark. Have a few job leads there now which is good. May take up modeling and acting again now I have time to go to the auditions...

My stuff arrived from Vietnam, although having a nightmare as Piet tried to pick it up but they wouldnt let him without a signature from me (not a lot of fax machines here in the middle of nowhere!) So they may well send it back to Vietnam... argh!

Have been spending time on self development here by the pool... studying dianetics from Scientology and The Secret, trying to improve myself, as well as swimming and running to try and get this excess weight off!!Lots of places here are advertising botox and stuff like that.. considering it..

No one to take pics of me now I'm alone again, so todays pic is another one of me in the desert...lots of pics of me posing here as the light was so nice so more to come...!

Feeling a bit twitchy as not used to being by myself for a while although I do like my own company, it does tend to make me a bit introverted and think a bit too much..

On the last leg of my journey now, not long to go until I am... "home" and I find this very scary...

And Doc, I didn't get you a keyring cos I read your entry too late! Doh.

Arrived in Bali

So here I am in Bali! The weather is HOT the people are friendsome, the place I'm staying is LUX the prices are ridiculously cheap.. phew!

Missing Perth like crazy though, and the people in Perth. Just made some great friends there.... Dan who is basically the male version of me (scary..I know ;)) And Luke of course who is just an amazing person, so sweet and caring and well just an all round amazing lovely guy. Spending time with him has been like going home to someone I've known for years. Everything was so easy.

Spent my last day in Perth on Trigg beach with Dan having a picnic and pointing out his foibles in my usual crass way. I have this gift of being able to see though people, and kind of know them and know what they need to do to improve or be happier- but I can't do that with myself. Usually I find it's best not to meddle but when someone I care about needs to change in order to get the things they want out of life, why shouldnt I point out to them what is blocking them? Isnt that what friends do? Ok Im a as subtle as a sledgehammer and its no holds barred, but I know they are strong enough to take the observations and use them to help themselves out of a hole, I wouldnt tell them if they werent..

I've been trying to talk people into coming over to Bali and I'm hopeful Luke will make it as it's Anzac Day shortly which is an Aussie holiday. I miss Perth like crazy, it was so hard to leave...felt like home already! Had to get to the airport at 5am this morning in the pouring rain (thanks again Luke!) which was not good... and four hours flight away and one hour backwards on the clock and I'm in amazing sunshine. Have toured the vicinity by bicycle and deciding which trips I should do whilst here, but otherwise lazing around my room/the pool...feeling bit lonely...getting used to being by myself again and preparing for the trip back to Denmark.

Picture is from trip to the pinnacle desert last weekend.

Alone and thoughtful

Now I know I have been eating too much wheat. So tired but finally it has started woo hoo! Put on my suit from Vietnam yesterday and oh no.. it was too tight! Have put on weight since being in Aus with all the tasty fatty food!!!

People have been so good in trying to help me sort my life out that even if nothing comes of it I am so happy to have friends like these. I can count my good friends on one heand but they really are the best anyone could ask for.

Last weekend in Perth.. doesnt feel like Im going yet so i think it will be a real shock when I do, especially as its ridiculously early in the morning! But everything is sorted in Bali so i am a bit looking forwrad to it now. Still scared about coming "home" though, but I do have one or two good friends there too...

I have a lot of thoughts and feelings now but articulating them is not easy.. maybe I will do that next week when I am alone and thoughtful in bali...

The right path.

So I booked a flight, that stops in bali, so im in bali for a week before I head back to bangkok and then home. I dont want to go to bali, I want to stay in Perth!

Great to have friends around helping me motivate and so have been looking into how I could stay here, and it looks possible.

I'm not very expressionable right now, I think I'm so full of emotion that i just don't know what to say. Have met some grest people out here and will miss them, but also miss my mates at home in denmark. Not looking forward to facing all the shit when I get back and a bit concerned that i am very nearly out of funds..so coming home and paying rent is going to be fun...scary.

So much to think about and different paths to take. Hope I take the right one this time...!

All the way.

Place for me

Spent a lot of this week exhausted and eating a lot, bit sad and dysmorphic feelings on wednesday but singstar and taco night on thursday cheered me up, spent weekend on a beautiful island biking around which gave me a lot more energy and dinner party at a friends house with games night was fun. Mood has gone up again, but energy levels remain low. period due on tuesday. Had a lot of backpain with this one, but think it may be because I havent been avoiding wheat as well as I should have been.

Last week in Oz and not looking forward to leaving at all. Have made some amazing friends here, and all I really want to do is get back as soon as possible. So unless anyone can talk me out of it when I get back to DK, I think I may be organising a move here by september. Applying for my Aussie nursing license and actually looking forwrad to nursing and doing something positive again. As a nurse I would get sposorship and my visa application would be fast tracked, so I could just rent a place in Perth and work whilst doing a bridging course as I have been out of the game for a while, but I can work agency work as a Nursing assistant until I get up to date again (6 months)Once Im up to date I can nurse anywhere in Oz, as agency or permanently.. so I can travel around and work or stay put.

But really need to see how I feel when I get back to DK...

However it's 31 degrees here today blue skies and its AUTUMN...There are endless blue skies, beautifully white sandy beaches, clear blue oceans, and lots of nice people (although none Ive met so far appear hugely sharp, but neither am I and they dont really need to be and the niceness counts for a lot...)

Starting to think Australia is the place for me.

Plans and periods

Australians (most of them) have nice eyes. You see it on tv and around town. They have smiley sparkly slightly downturned eyes. Like the late Heath Ledger's(left). Why is this a predominantly Aussie feature? Is it because they are always smiley and happy? Always squinting in sunshine?

Friday is P day, and right now I am eating every fatty and bad food I can lay my hands on. I am sooo hungry and tired and a little stressy (as usual). Cant wait until Saturday when I get my brain and peace back!! I feel so old right now. Old and fat and a little bit low. Wondering what to do with my life. Well I have some potential plans...

Plan A. Go back to Denmark, sell apartment and try and find a job and make new life over there.
Plan B. Go back to Denmark, sell apartment and try and make plans for a new life in Australia with plans to move from September.
Plan C. Sell apartment, sell everything, and travel australia in a campervan.
Plan D. Sell apartment, start a hotel/bar in Thailand.

There is a part of me that wants to travel and have adventures and there is a part of me that wants to settle down and have babies. Although I kinda need a man for the latter...

Not sure where my next travels will be, looking at Bali before heading back to thailand.. will book after my period as I cant think about anything properly right now...

Melancholy baby

Oh no its starting again. I can feel it coming on. The destructable feelings of hoplessness, fear, regret. Inability to live in the moment. Thinking too much. It's pms time again.

Having such a great time in Australia I dont want to leave. I cannot bear to contemplate moving on again. I just feel like Im home. I hate being at the wrong place at the wrong time. It always seems to be the wrong time. Whenever I find true happiness I always have to walk away from it. Why?! I feel truly happy here in the 2 and a a bit weeks Ive been here. Time has gone so quick. I know I have to think about my next destination, booking flights etc etc.. but being here feels normal and right and homely. Maybe its because of the people, maybe its becasue it feels so familiar- its very similar to england here. maybe beacuse its such a beautiful sunny place. Whatever it is I must leave it all behind and head back to the other side of the world to see what awaits me there. I wonder where I will be in a year from now. If you told me last year I would be here I would have laughed. but here I am, jobless, homeless and loving it.

Been looking at getting back into my nursing career, it seems my skills are required over here, so you never know. I guess i will find out what I want when I get home again....

I still wish someone would just say to me. This is where you should be: here with me.

Picture is City Beach, Perth.

Awesome Aus

I must learn not to judge books by their covers. I mean Australian men are bad spellers and very laid back but they are actually very clever and witty, they just do it in a quieter way and dont feel the need to show off all the time. The women are a lot quicker and more talkative though, but also really nice friendly people :)

So weekend of partying was ok, they were quite tame really, and very well behaved. Met lots of nice people and had a great time. Spent time on the beach and it was amazing, although got hit my a wave and landed on my arse but the water out here is so clear its untrue!

Went out in the city yesterday and got more of a feel of the place. Loving it and the people even more, and instead of passing by the immigration offices, out of interest I walked in, and it appears my skills are very in demand here so theres a high chance I could live here if I wanted...

Dont panic still coming home, but this place is pretty damn amazing from the food to the people to the scenery to the weather. Its awesome.