Start all over again

So much for being amicable! He was just so mean and rude to me by sms- with no reason... saying he doesn't want anything to do with me and not to contact him. He just made me very angry. There was no need for that. We were ok. Amicable was ok. Not ideal but bearable. Now I am hurt, double hurt, and angry. I don't like anger- it's a wasted emotion.

I have shown him nothing but love and respect. Now I just lost my respect for him saying mean stuff to me, there is no need to kick someone when they are obviously down.

No. I wil not let my anger out. I will not take revenge or try to hurt him even though I know I could. I will not stoop to his level. I will hold my head up high and face him and the world with dignity every day I have to.

Dignity, clarity and a quiet love...

Dust yourself off

I have been facing it. But I miss him so much. Other men offer the comfort of their arms, and it helps to forget him-but this much love doesn't go away quickly. However, I don't think he ever loved me. He said he feels relieved that it's over. That's what my love means....scary huh?

And yet there are people who will fight for my heart, people who show they love me, show they care, and if only I was ready I would enjoy that so much. But right now my heart is still filled with him.

But how do you get rid of that. How do you stop loving someone you told you'd love forever- when you meant it? Wish there was a drug you could take...

My illness has also gotten worse- probably the stress, and not sleeping or eating properly, but that sucks big time too.

Anyway, he has made it double clear he doesn't want me. There are other men making it double clear they do, despite the knowledge that I am in love with another man. AT least he is amicable- I suppose...

So all that remains is to figure out what the hell to do with my life...

Pick yourself up

Strength and courage don't come easily. You have to fight for them. You have to take them from other people. And you have to block out all the unecessary energy use in order to survive. You have to keep on going, keep on fighting. As Confucius once said " Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do."

Sometimes people, relationships drain us of energy and we don't see it until it is too late and we are left tired and used and drained. It is then important to take stock of yourself, centre yourself and find the strength from within. Others can help with this but in the end it must come from within.

This kind of attitude has been around for centuries. Don't think you're the only one who ever felt this way. Courage has been admired for years. But courage comes in many forms, bravery comes in many forms. For some it could be pulling someone from a fire, getting through a serious illness, and then for others it could be merely getting through the day, facing the world and surviving.

Let's not forget the song from the 1936 Fred and Ginger movie Swing time and the lyrics by Dorothy Fields:

"Nothing's impossible I have found,

For when my chin is on the ground,

I pick myself up,

Dust myself off,

Start All over again.



Don't lose your confidence if you slip,

Be grateful for a pleasant trip,

And pick yourself up,

Dust yourself off,

Start all over again.



Work like a soul inspired,

Till the battle of the day is won.

You may be sick and tired,

But you'll be a man, my son!



Will you remember the famous men,

Who had to fall to rise again?

So take a deep breath,

Pick yourself up,

Dust yourself off,

Start all over again."

Unfairytale

He promised me a fairytale... "just be in love with me" he said.... "next is a wonderful life with me" he said. He lied. He's a fucking coward- that's what he is. I am on the edge of despair because I lost his love. But what did his love really mean? Sex? Security? Happiness? What it meant was I was always waiting for him, hoping he would show me love. I threw my love at him everyday, it was his choice not to see it, catch it, keep it.

Why am I suicidal? Because I failed HIM? He failed. I worked my hardest and tried my best HE was the one that failed.

It's not like there are not any men to replace him, there are practically queues of men lining up at my door (sounds a bit naff but it's true). I am a young(ish) desirable, kind and beautiful person with a lot to give. But someone must WANT to be given it. He did not.

The way it ended has upset me a lot and I cannot stop crying, but maybe I will take one of those men up who want to try make me happy and let them look after me and cuddle me and hold me and help make me feel loved and make it all better. And don't worry I'm not that much of a heart breaker- all these people know I am in love with that one guy, I am honest about how I feel. But if they want to hold me, why shouldn't I be held whilst I cry?

I know I'm not going to get over him anytime soon but like HE says... vil bare videre nu...

Suicide is Painless

Suicide, Attention seeking? Desperation? There is a lot about it on the internet, there are even ways to commit suicide listed on the net (http://www.cat.pdx.edu/~chuff/holiday.html).

But what do you do if you are in emotional pain and there is no help or guidance? A lot of the links to suicide sites are made by religeous groups. "But before you think about suicide.. stop and think..god loves you.." etc etc.

There are many people who have a meloncholy view on life.. Sylvia Plath.. Virginia Woolf.. they used writing as a way of self expression and yet they both ended up commiting suicide.

But what do you do when no one understands you? When your view on life is bleak and black, and worst of all no one loves you? Here in Denmark it is not easy to seek psychological help, you have only your few friends to turn to, and they say things like "you'll get over it" and "it can't be that bad". It doesn't really help.

Love's labour's lost

Love is now lost forever to me. How could I be so stupid as to think someone would trust and care for me. I am not worthy of that. I am not worthy of anything. I feel so empty, so useless and such a failure. Having recieved my final divorce papers the other day, I feel like I will never find or keep love again- ever.

I haven't stopped crying all night. I just picture his face all hurt and tired and very angry at me. There is nothing I can do or say to make it any better. There is nothing anyone else can do or say to make it any better. I really don't think I can go on feeling like this.

The thing is there is no system to deal with people in distress in denmark. There is no help. There is no where to turn. I am tired and lost. What am I going to do???

Late Date

Gentlemen.... so you're running late for a date.. excusable..so is she.. she's busy tidying trying to look like she always keeps a tidy house, busy stuffing things in drawers, vacuuming etc etc.. but 35 mins ...an hour..two hours late? Without a call, an sms? nothing?? Diabolical I tell you.

I mean she's spent the last 4-5 hours preparing for you- she has mood music on, she's even singing along...the least you can do is make the effort to say "sorry I'm late" or give some guideline as to your arrival or if you even intend to keep this date.

It detracts from the date, before she was ready to pounce on you, and now she's ready to pounce on you- but not in the good way. She feels you don't respect her, or care or think of her as any higher than a glorified sex toy.

So boys.. pick up that phone- it will be worth your while.. and don't forget the flowers!