Unfairy tales

I've said this before and I will say it again: fairytales ruin lives.

All these expectation one has of meeting princes and happy endings, ruins what really is there and is special. Love isnt flowers and diamonds, its a real feeling that you just cant shake off no matter what you do. Its a content feeling around a certain person.

And so what is happiness? Being with the person that makes you feel good- whether its on a paradise island or a shopping trip to a german superstore, just being in their company makes you feel safe, warm and smile. Makes you want to build a home, a nest with them, a future with them. Waking up next to their warm body, hearing their heartbeat and smelling their scent is happiness.

Despite being brought up on happy ever afters, reality is mundane, but real. Movies don't help either. That guy isnt going to cross 3 continents just to hold you again. But that doesnt mean he doesnt love you, in a quiet and controlled way, one that doesnt get displayed.

Nothing wrong with passion though. Actually yes there is. There are 2 sides to passion, the ugly side being fear and jealousy and manifesting in insecurities and tantrums. The good side to passion is love and affection, but its hard to have one without the other.. isnt it? The thing that hurts the most though is indifference. I can understand no passion, but indifference- ouch.

But at the end of the day no one is going to slay your dragons for you, you have to do it yourself. I'm slaying mine right now...

Love is the easy part, its the people that are complicated.

Happy New Year! I have had a lot to think about spending christmas in Hua Hin and New Years Eve in Bangkok. I am of course starting 2008 as a single woman again, and I have many thoughts and developments to make.

It is so important to have an open mind. That is to say a mind filled with jealousy and self deprication will only interpret things negatively and wrongly.

In a relationship, if someone chooses to read a book rather than bask in your glory and admire your beauty after being apart for a long time, it may not be because they find you ugly and unattractive, and are dismissing you. It may be "just their way". Like in foreign countries, some hand gestures or certain nods of the head are unacceptable and are interpreted as swearing or rude, yet in others is meaningless. It is the same in our micro worlds.

To me, if I am ignored, it is because I am worthless. To others it may be that they just bask in my company rather than keep on about it.

I am starting to understand so much now. Too late as usual, but I understand.
I understand that you are just you, and though it drives me mad you dont appear to think about me. I know that apprearances were deceptive.

Studying buddhism now, which is close to my way of thinking. Im off to a pagoda on saturday to meditate. This year is the year I lose all my insecurities and start believing not only in myself , but those around me.

My heart already believes, it's just my mind I need to open...

Feeling ok

Sorry for the absence been so busy!! Finally I went out partying last weekend, hit some clubs with some of my expat mates. Had a blast. First time out in Hanoi and first time I've felt well enough!! See pic for proof of Angel actually off the sofa!

Have a couple of good friends here now, and have also met some crazies- only to be expected I suppose, in the ex pat sex pat world!

I have learned a lot these last couple of weeks and have been growing as a person. Looking forward to spending christmas with bf in thailand. Could do with the relaxation! Been running around madly last couple of weeks!

Vietnamese is coming on, able to hold small conversations now. Now to learn some Thai!

Missed me?

So, after a couple of weeks of hell (story of my life) Im back on top again. Been so sick! Apparently people always get sick when they get here, but I've been attached to an IV all week- which came out yesterday (when I caught a cold...) So feeling a little better now. Have lost weight of course (vomiting does that to you) So according to my medical I am 156cm (I grew!) and 41.5kg with a BMI of 23. My blood pressure is 119 over 64 (which is good) I have to go back on dec 20th to check on my progress, but right now after spending every day in a clinic (my morning routine- drive to clinic, recieve IV transfusion, then drive to work) I'm free!
Didn't get to Bangkok, as had IV in, but that's ok as I'm going to Thailand for CHRISTMAS.

Been meeting people too, met a pretty cool canadian expat today, saw their accomodation (paying less than me!) And decided if I stay here will move in in february- paying half the rent with a maid included. Need to figure out what to do with my life though. Still waiting for that purpose. But am determined to enjoy my time here and travel and see stuff as much as I can! Going for dinner at the Canadians tonight and meeting his girlfriend and friends so that should be cool.

So whilst I'm waiting for the answers to come to me, I'm making the most of my life :)

The List

So I made a list today- all the things I need to do to make my life better. The first was go out and meet people. Here is photographic evidence of that- me out with my new friend Natalie.(click pic for bigger size) I'm sure you'll be hearing a lot more about her :) I plan to have fun from now on, and stop waiting around for men. I intend to enjoy my life.


Off to Bangkok next weekend, and intend to buy a camera there- so lots more pics coming! Sleep now, back to work tomorrow, still not feeling great but have a follow up appointment with the doc- so should be fine. I'm finally taking control of my life.

Following the heart

I have a plan- at least short term.

I feel clearer about what i should do, and how I should do it. I don't want to quit and feel even more of a failure. I want to do a good job, and be able to look myself in the mirror everyday, and achieve something.

Im not a quitter, in any part of my life. And I need to stop running away and start facing myself.

I need to look at myself and change the negative things.

And I need to spend time with the bf, to see if he's the one.

I need to follow my heart on this one.

Crossroads

I am now at a crossroads in my life.

Do I carry on working here? Do I quit my job and go back to Denmark, or do I quit my job and go travel the world?

On one hand I am a very safe secure person who needs stability, on the other Im spontaneous and irrational.

I feel I need to do something drastic with my life, I feel Im wasting it, sitting here waiting for something or someone good to happen.

I am hoping something will happen to show me what I should do next. To help me make a decision.

Being so sick and feverish the last few days and being on my own, I have been thinking about my life and what I want from it.

I'm 32 soon.. I do want marriage kids, before I get too old, but sometimes I feel thats never going to happen, and I feel alone and reckless and feel like running away, closing this chapter of my life and moving on, seeing where the world takes me next.

I want someone to tell me- come here! I want you! This is where you belong! And I want to believe them.