Holding Angel

Most things I can cope with on my own. But one thing I can't do is hold myself. I can't wrap my arms around myself, and feel safe and warm. It's not that there aren't plenty of men who offer, but I don't want just anyone to hold me, I want it to be someone I trust and feel safe and secure with. I love being held by the right man, where i can close my eyes and lose my self in that moment of feeling peaceful and safe. I haven't been safe or secure for most of my life, so I tend to treasure those moments when I do. With the right person, being held is an amazing feeling, better than sex. I could stay in that moment for hours, holding on tight, waiting for them to say stop. Feeling the warmth, the reassuring heartbeat, the breathing, the strength of his arms wrapped around me. Yes, something I love to do, more than eat chocolate, or drink red wine, is to be held. It's like drinking a good scotch whiskey, the warmth you feel as it slides down your throat, warming every part the alcohol touches. Or the good feeling you get from eating chocolate that permeates slowly and makes you smile. It's like sliding into a hot bath, gradually feeling the warmth all over. Like the world is spinning but you are stopped still and held and safe for one moment in time. I miss being held, and I will miss being held for the next few months.

32 reasons to get a life

So having been told during my informative years that everything I believed in and thought was wrong, as an adult I found it hard to make my own decisions about my life, and rather than make decisions followed where life took me. Either that or the decisions I made were spontaneous and not thought through. So to me I couldn't trust my mind, only my heart. I made decisions with my heart instead of my head and when things went wrong my heart grew heavy. I would blame others for my mistakes because I couldn't blame myself, if I did blame myself it would re-enforce everything my parents told me. If I did anything bad or wrong, I would blame myself so much that I would want to die. The pain was unbearable and so was the guilt. If I thought I'd disappointed someone the pain would be too unbearable.

So now I have to take responsibility and give responsibilty back. I have to make my own decisions and deal with the consequences. I have to live my life for me, and not to please others.

This doesn't mean I don't want to make others happy. I do. I want so much for someone to be proud of me, but unless I am proud of myself I guess I'm setting myself up to fail.

My heart is hurting a lot right now, almost unbearably so. My head also hurts, dealing with all this realisation is not an easy process, especially without support.

I am taking the landmark course but I have also read that people have mental breakdowns when they do it, as it's a lot to take in 4 days. So I am a bit wary, especially as I have no support.

Right now I am stuck in Vietnam, as I have visa problems. I can't wait to leave and start my travels, but because I quit my job, the company reported me to immigration, and I may get flagged up at customs for questioning. SO whilst my embassy checks it out, I would rather stay put then be questioned in a vietnamese jail for 14 hours...

But I have time to think, perhaps too much time to think. And time to plan my journeys.

So far the plan is to fly to bangkok, then singapore, then malaysia, then bali, then borneo, then manilla- this brings me to the end of february, I may stay around the phillipines a while, or head off to tokyo, korea, china, and back to Thailand- where I am really hoping I can change my flight back to denmark to, as I may have problems getting back in to vietnam. My flight back to denmark is May 1st, and hopefully by then I will have figured out what I should do with my life.

My birthday is on march 26th and it looks like another birthday I will spend alone, not sure where I will be in the world but I'm sure it will be just me. Still 32- not really a reason to celebrate anyway huh? :)

Out of love

"It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops you it does not depart. True love is eternal. If you think that you were once in love, but fell out of it, then it wasn't love you were in. There are no 'exit' signs in love, there is only an 'on' ramp."

I have at last recieved the message loud and clear that he doesn't want me. That he can't handle me, and that there is no place in his life for me. So now I have to try and fall out of love and get on with my life. The song "falling out of love" by John Denver springs to mind.

So how does one fall out of love? The advice I have found so far is:

1.Control your thoughts. Apparently,women have a tougher time than men, handling a breakup. Not only does the guy go, so goes the pleasant fantasies, idyllic imaginings, the possible futures. Yes, for women, 75 percent of a breakup is divorcing your thoughts and expectations- things that, in all likelihood, bore a loose relationship to reality anyway.

2.Make new friends. Sadness sets in your soul, and you miss your former flame in a way you never thought possible. You miss them in the morning, you miss them in the evening, you miss them... all over the place. Because of this, friends find reasons to avoid you- the thought of another possible sighting, the sound of one more lovelorn sigh. You're on your own.

3.Cut the negativity. The media assists the demise of a relationship. It's those fairy tale shows that set impossibly high standards. Perfect hair, perfect life, perfect career by 26. Married by 28 (at the latest) two perfect kids by 30 (even then, you're coming in just under the wire). We women think this is the only schedule that matters- no alterations allowed. We're fooled into having impossibly high expectations of our relationships thanks to movies, TV, and music. Watching romance movies, listening to romantic songs will only make matters worse.

4. Find Spirituality . The bible, Quaran, Buddhist literature all have musing about broken and empty souls. I'm not the first to have a broken heart, and it helps to realise this.

5. Love yourself. The most difficult, I'm not sure how to do this one, but I'm going to start by taking the landmark course and see where that leads me.

So hopefully travelling will help get him out of my head and heart. I have no interest in love, or men at all right now, so there is no immediate danger I will fall again, which is also a shame. Maybe one day I will fall in love again, but I don't think that will be anytime soon.

Losing the Fear

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

Frank Herbert, Dune. Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear.

I am afraid, and I think that's what makes me the person I am. I am afraid that my boyfriends will have affairs. I am afraid I left the iron on, I am afraid, that people will think me strange, I am afraid I am not good enough. Sometimes I am afraid and have panic attacks and I don't even know why. The way I act is based on these fears, I am jealous, I am possessive, I am scared to meet people in case they don't like me, I think about things too much and I try and plan everything down to the last detail, scare of what may happen if I don't. This of course only serves to push people away. It makes me not want to tidy up because I am scared if i do it won't be perfect. And everything has to be perfect. Why? Because my parents told me it had to.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

Eleanor Roosevelt.

So coming to Vietnam, being alone, not having a plan, or any stability faces a lot of my fears. Crying alone in the dark last night I realised that I must face all my fears to become whole and stable again. I have to learn to trust those close to me. To trust myself, my own decisions. I have had so many frightening experiences that I haven't yet faced. I am facing them all head on now, and it is overwhelming. I feel I need a hug, but there isn't one. There isn't anything but me. But perhaps that's the way it's supposed to be.

"The fear of being wrong is the prime inhibitor of the creative process."

Jean Bryant.

Having been told in my informative years that I was wrong, that the way I thought was wrong, that what I believed was wrong, I find it hard now to believe in myself. But i am no longer a child, I am 31 years old. A wise adult with life experiences and stories to tell. Who one day hopefully may have a child of her own to nurture and teach. So I have to learn, and it would seem I have to learn the hard way.

"If I can endure for this minute whatever is happening to me No matter how heavy my heart is or how dark the moment might be... If I can but keep on believing what I know in my heart to be true, That darkness will fade with morning and that this will pass away, too... Then nothing can ever disturb me or fill me with uncertain fear, For as sure as night brings dawning, my morning is bound to appear..."

Unknown.

Travelling to Halong Bay faced a lot of my fears- standing up for myself, talking to strangers, being alone in a town for 2 days, not knowing anyone or how to speak to them. Kayaking on the ocean. It's nice to go out and explore the world. I talked about Denmark, and got sad and missed home. and I laid under the stars and wished the person I cared about was beside me, seeing the beauty I saw. I felt a bit hollow and empty for a while like part of me was missing.

“I to the world am like a drop of waterThat in the ocean seeks another drop,Who, falling there to find his fellow forth,Unseen, inquisitive, confounds himself.”

William Shakespeare - A Comedy of Errors

I guess love does that to you huh. When you find the person you want to be with, but who doesn't want to be with you it is a little sad. Actually it hurts. A lot. But nothing can be done. I must change my way of thinking about princes on white horses and fairytales. I must stop believing in romantic fantasy and start realising that life is not a fairytale, as hard as that is.

"The conquest of fear lies in the moment of its acceptance."

Unknown.

Alone in the world

Now I've done it. Today i'm feeling quite alone, wondering if I have done the right thing. I don't have a job, a home, stable friends or anyone that knows me or cares for me. Very scary.

Off to Halong Bay today, so won't be here for a few days now- unless of course I happen upon an internet cafe on my travels...

On Halong Bay on a junk, and kayaking with 2 aussies I met in Hanoi- Charlotte and Ben and then they come back to Hanoi on sunday and I stay in a local hotel Huy Hoang guest house, in halong city, where my Vietnamese friend Ha will meet me on Monday night with another friend of hers and we will go to a wedding on tuesday- culture!!! The hotel is costing 30dk a night (3 quid) So I'm expecting cockroaches, but Ha says her local friend helped her find it and it has a tv and aircon and hot water- so all the basics then :) Then we will get a local bus back to Hanoi. So I am doing both the touristy thing AND the local thing :)

Trying to stay brave and keep going, even though sometimes it feels like I am falling down a deep well.

Out with the trash

So my boss was a prize bitch. Seriously, barely out of diapers, and she spent most of the time I worked with her, either being mean to me or ignoring me completely. She even threw herself at my boyfriend. This woman (and I use this term losely- everyone says she resembles a boy or a boy in drag) has not even the dignity to say anything to me at all when I resigned. I mean I had about 50 emails from people at work- some I hadnt even met, saying good luck and they'll miss me, and sorry to see me go. But my boss who I worked for for two years? Nada. Not even a goodbye. But this only goes to show she's trashy.

Moving on (and letting go of any anger- deep breath in and out- there it's gone ;)) I am of to Halong Bay this weekend, and the weather is really warm right now so it should be fanstastic. Staying on a chinese junk, and sailing around the islands, swimming, sunning, kayaking- cant wait!

Next week I plan my itinary to the rest of asia, so will let you know so you can follow me :)

Chapter closed

So yesterday I quit my job, something I have never done before and it is very scary. Now I plan to travel asia and do a landmark course: http://www.landmarkeducation.com/

Hoping I find myself on the way, I know I need to do some work on myself, and giving myself the time and space to do that is necessary right now. Never had this opportunity before, and better late than never huh?

But sometimes you have to close a door before you can open several more.

I wonder about myself though- am I odd? I drink- but not much, I generally stop after one or two, unless its birthday or christmas or new year when I tend to throw up in taxis (sorry thomas) or over people (sorry thomas) but I dont make a habit of it.

I find it strange to go out drinking, and to talk about being drunk and throwing up. People have told me that they don't trust me because I dont drink enough- but I just dont enjoy it. So am I strange? Does the whole world drink except me? Am I getting old?

Feeling meloncholy right now, but had a great day out with my vietnamese friend, she is so much like me, and such a nice person, and today in Hanoi was really warm and sunny, so it was like the world saying "yes you have made the right decision".

I do miss Denmark though- people seem more forgiving there, and I have friends there who know me and dont care if I drink or not, they simply enjoy me for who I am.

And now I will find out who that is... :)