Who am I?

I am a very private person, (you wouldnt think so having a blog and all but I am..)which is something that is being challenged recently. Ex's talking crap about me, people coming into my apartment uninvited. I think I may become a hermit, never get close to anyone again. It only hurts. Th ephoto by the way is me with a friends baby. It felt so good holding him, I really didn't want to give him back.

So I am considering breast surgery, and perhaps botox. Perhaps these things will make me a happier more confident person.

All I know is I feel like I am always on the run and nowhere I go, or stay a while do I ever feel safe. Going through life like a fugitive, trusting no one, pushing people away when they get too close takes it toll.

Roaming the world in search of what? happiness? love? peace? faith? a family.

Just saying the word family makes me want to cry, so it must be that. But a hermit does not have a family. I'm a childless mother, a husbandless wife. Without fufilling these roles I dont even exist. So perhaps I am merely looking for exisitence- or the evidence of existence.

From wednesday I am on my own, in strange lands, looking for evidence that I exist.

So who am I? According to one of my more honest profiles- I'm a Grace Kelly in the wrong era, the character in the movie that you identify with but who doesn't fit in the real world. I'm a real woman with real mood swings. I feel, I love, I laugh, I cry, and I talk through movies. I require loving, understanding and forgiving, and in return give those and much more. I'm intelligent but not sharp, I'm sensitive but not soft, I am tough but not chewy. I am a chocoholic, an ice cream addict and skip proper meals, although I love to cook, and I am quite good at it. I have no interest in how drunk you got or who you vomited over. I am playful and love children, although don't have any yet. Horror stories scare me, black humour makes me laugh out loud. I laugh at my own jokes and groan at yours. I am always right but trying to change that. I am a caterpillar in a cocoon and hope to be a butterfly soon. Who are you...?

Fortune and misfortune

Driving to the fortune teller today through the outlying villages in the outer provinces of Hanoi, and suddenly we drove through what Ican only describe as dog hell. Dogs in cages being beaten with a baseball bat, dogs being spit roast, or dead on a table being sold by the pound. On a motor bike there was a small wire cage containing around 7 or 8 dogs, packed so tightly together they couldn't move, they looked like stuffed toys in a toy hammock. There was nothing I could do, this is the way of life here. I lifted up my camera to take pictures but I was too shocked to do it, it seemed so insensitive. I can't even begin to imagine how war photographers are able to shoot.

So the fortune teller told me (and yes I was also sceptical at first) That I live in a tower (true) That I live in two places (true) that I have been married before (true) That I had a baby but the baby was sad and wasnt born (had a miscarriage before christmas) He told me that I was running away and that I would marry as my mother did someone of a different nationality (true) He also said that I owe from my past life and that is why this life is hard - he said if I was vietnamese he would perform a ceremony- and he could try do this for me but he would have to give me a vietnamese name. The ceremony would cost around 4 million VND!

I'm actually considering it. This fortune teller , who diappointed me by being around MY age, and quite effeminate with liber archie sized rings and a cracking sense of humour. (was expecting a wizened old man on the mountain) This guy lived in a huge estate with a big expensive car! No wonder with all the government officials paying him to keep their "luck" They pay around 10 million every year!!

So question is to have this ceremony (tomorrow) or not....

Stuck in teen

So I went to the movies, ate ice cream, and I'm UP again (wooooo) I'm lucky I dont stay down long really.... I do, however find that I identify with the angst female teen characters. I think I'm stuck in my teen years, unable to grow up.

Still off to see a vietnamese fortune teller tomorrow- maybe he can tell me what I should be doing... :)

Have so much to do, I find it all a little overwhelming sometimes, not great at coping with high stress (as you know) But I'm strong again now. People underestimate the power of ice cream!

AT the end of the day I'm a very old fasioned girl... a ginger looking for her fred, or a grace looking for her carey. I'm in the wrong era, or I watched too many old movies, and started to believe in them. Dammit!

Not having to be right all the time

I feel better having talked about my fears with somoone who listened to me. Sometimes all I need is to be listened to. I'm more convinced than ever that this landmark course is the right thing to do, although I may have to lie in the psychiatric disclamier..

Wondering if I should stay in Vietnam, now that I can't actually leave, take another job here. What are my reasons for travelling? Will I ever find myself that way? Where in the world should I be?

Having talked to someone I now have a lot more to think about, but I'm peeping out of the darkness- only just but I have to stay up.

Yes folks this is me, I have dark episodes, I have incredibly light ones too, I have moodswings, I love a lot and deeply, and I am generally a multifaceted human being. Deal with it.( I have to).

Now I am going to call someone and hopefully catch a movie with them...

Dead already

You're right I am dead alraedy. I just don't think I belong on this planet. Trying to think back to times I have been happy. I think the first time I felt happiness was when my ex husband asked me to marry him. Someone wanted me finally, someone accepted me, loved me, needed me.

The second time is when we bought our house.. our home, finally my own home, somewhere I could stay and be peaceful in, a place for our children to run around it. Somewhere to settle.

Other happy times are flashes- getting my first permanent job in denmark, and that meaning I was able to stay in the country I loved, on my motorbike driving in the sunshine, at my ex boyfriends summerhouse, finally spending some quality time with him, feeding the ducks and just being happy. But those moments are rare to me. I rarely feel safe or secure or looked after. So maybe I am dead. I don't like or fit in with most people. I just don't understand them and of course no one understands me. That's not true the last guy that understood me, I pushed away, quite cruelly. I really don't think I deserve a life. I don't do anything with it. I'm a failure, a fraud, and unlovable.

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

Darkness falls

Every so often the darkness falls. I wake up in the night crying and screaming, thinking I can't go on. I have been now 3 days without going out, and eating only what is left in the flat- chocolate and peanuts. It all hit me last night. I have no job, I have no income, I have no life left anywhere. I'm scared alone and I always will be. And I wanted to die.

I get depressed. Depression runs in my family. I used to take drugs for it until "they" told me I was bi-polar and gave me more drugs to stop me being high. This made my mind a blank and turned me into a dribbling ape, so I agreed to take talking therapy instead and went on a waiting list. The waiting list was years long, and I moved from place to place, eventually ending up in Denmark years later where I was unable to afford a therapist or even find one that therapised in english.

So I carry the depression around with me, and in stressful situations (don't get stressed they say- dont take a stressful job) I crack up. So here I am alone,cold, hungry, no one to talk with but myself, my blog and my ex bf by sms (who is unympathetic and thinks Im crazy), dealing with all the issues in my past- child abuse, crazy parents, torture, attempted murder, rape, lonliness, divorce, miscarriage etc.. all at once trying to work through this mountain of emotions all alone in a country where Im trapped. I knew there was a reason I put a lid on these things, it's enough to kill anyone!

I am a person who needs stability, thats what Im always told. As long as I have a job that keeps my mind occupied and a place to call home, I should be in a place I can deal with stuff.

So what do I do? Give all that up- for a man! How stupid can I get! And did the man care- fuck no.

It's like opening a can of worms- I can't close it now- I have so much guilt and I hate the person I am right now. The ex says the only person that can fix that is me- but how???

HOW DO I FIX IT?

I'm a crying, hungry mess, and I just don't know what to do. I know I am supposed to stay safe, but I don't know whether I have the strength for that anymore.

I need a hug so much- I feel like a child. I know I'm a 32 year old woman, but I break just like a little girl.

Broken things stay broken

Another thing I can't do is talk to my self. Well I can, but it sounds a bit strange. Today I feel very sad. I have been alone the last couple of days thinking, and with not much food left in the house. This is a dangerous combination, and combined with soppy movies about love, is heading for a sure disaster. So who do I turn to for comfort? I turned to Christian, but he doesn't want to hear my pain. He only wants to hear the good things. It's not easy this self develpment stuff, I feel I am on the edge a lot, with no support from anyone. Maybe I will blow all my savings and then do a virginia woolf.

Things look bleak, I'm terried, of now and the future. I don't know how I will cope with no job, Im fucking scared to death. And the reality is that it's not all going to be ok and there is no happy ever after to look forward to. Just more emptiness and sorrow, and I'm not sure that I am prepared to go through that anymore.