Im never happy. I have no exciting conversations, Im not particularly interesting, Im not funny, and I dont really like being around people, becuase I am scared and ashamed to be around them. Im just not good enough.
I dont have children, I dont have anything of any realy value, I dont have a family...
So when put against Lukes sister, who is confident, well dressed,beautiful, outgoing, the life and soul of the party I feel inadequate. And her weedy, yet strangely full of himself boyfriend really annoys me.
DOnt get me wrong, I love his sister , everyone loves his sister, shes a lovely person. But I am extremely jealous that she can be who she wans and get what she wants and acts perfectly all the time, whereas I am a constant misery and no fun to be around at all.
Im not nice to live with, my mood changes a lot and I cry a lot. I get upset because Luke doesnt do little things to show he cars, like remember valentines or buy me flowers or anything.
And maybe I overcompensate by buying him things all the time, because although I love him I know deep down that Im not totally in love with him.
SOmetimes I feel I just want my life to stop, I cant go on being me anymore, and its just too hard to change.
WHY CANT I BE HAPPY.
Sunday, 15 March 2009
Tuesday, 10 March 2009
Work blues
Im not sure I like being back in nursing. All these women trying to prove themselves, its crazy. It makes for a instable environment both to work and for the kids. The kids are ok, managable. Like I say its just the staff that make it all so difficult. I feel the difference when on shift with different people. And thats the other thing: shift work is killing me.
Been thinking back to denmark and making it rosey in my mind, but it wasnt I know. I have a better life here, more sunshine, people who care. I just need to find my way out of this job and into one that suits me better.
I do miss Denmark, the danes in general. Yes there were weird bitches like Mia, but in general people were less anxious and more down to earth. People here are a lot less stuffy though.
Still hot here, 32 C today.
My apartment in copenhagen is about to be sold... ridiculously under the asking price, but in this climate what can you do?! At least its sold, and im ready to start over with no ties in dk at all.
The hospital is organising a group sponsored permanent residency. I am not sure what this will mean but sounds very positive, will find out more tomorrow.
I wonder if I will ever be happy. Im not sure everything is totally right right now. Living with Luke feels like having a flatmate right now. We only have a small bed, and he is restless, so hes sleeping in another bedroom. Reminds a bit of my ex husband shortly before we divorced. But hes doing it for me so I can get sleep for my shifts on early starts. Still feels weird though.
Been thinking back to denmark and making it rosey in my mind, but it wasnt I know. I have a better life here, more sunshine, people who care. I just need to find my way out of this job and into one that suits me better.
I do miss Denmark, the danes in general. Yes there were weird bitches like Mia, but in general people were less anxious and more down to earth. People here are a lot less stuffy though.
Still hot here, 32 C today.
My apartment in copenhagen is about to be sold... ridiculously under the asking price, but in this climate what can you do?! At least its sold, and im ready to start over with no ties in dk at all.
The hospital is organising a group sponsored permanent residency. I am not sure what this will mean but sounds very positive, will find out more tomorrow.
I wonder if I will ever be happy. Im not sure everything is totally right right now. Living with Luke feels like having a flatmate right now. We only have a small bed, and he is restless, so hes sleeping in another bedroom. Reminds a bit of my ex husband shortly before we divorced. But hes doing it for me so I can get sleep for my shifts on early starts. Still feels weird though.
Monday, 23 February 2009
Home-work
Moved into a house at the weekend. I now (at least for the next 6 months) live in a townhouse in a gated complex in Australia, with a pool and a gym! Its quite nice really.
Started work today. Wow. Kids screaming, fecal smearing... prefer a 9-5 desk job web designing but at least this pays the bills and I get to change and save lives... This week is gonna be hard while I get used to working again (its been a year!) and get used to nursing again (its been 5 years!)
So looks like I am settled in australia. Its not what I wanted but its where Im at now, so just get along with it. Its not a bad place to be, and Lukes not a bad person to be with. Hope one day I can give him my heart.
Talking of that, heard Thomas is having a baby with his gf which is a bit weird, but am happy for him. Its weird to think if i had settled down a bit it could have been me, but at the rate I am going I will never have kids.
This week is gonna be hard.
Started work today. Wow. Kids screaming, fecal smearing... prefer a 9-5 desk job web designing but at least this pays the bills and I get to change and save lives... This week is gonna be hard while I get used to working again (its been a year!) and get used to nursing again (its been 5 years!)
So looks like I am settled in australia. Its not what I wanted but its where Im at now, so just get along with it. Its not a bad place to be, and Lukes not a bad person to be with. Hope one day I can give him my heart.
Talking of that, heard Thomas is having a baby with his gf which is a bit weird, but am happy for him. Its weird to think if i had settled down a bit it could have been me, but at the rate I am going I will never have kids.
This week is gonna be hard.
Sunday, 15 February 2009
Valentines
Its been almost a year since I updated my main photo, so here is a pic from Sydney last week.. I look older :(
Valentines day.. well, less said there the better.
SO I start work week on monday.. I am terrified.. its been a long time since I worked.. let alone with tearaway kids..! Lots to organise now I have THE VISA.. medicare, drivers license... shipping my shit over...
Had an offer on my apartment too.. a very low offer.. 160,000dk under the asking price... but such is the climate atm!
Spendin this week running around doing paperworkas Monday 23rd 8am I start...WORKING!!!!
Valentines day.. well, less said there the better.
SO I start work week on monday.. I am terrified.. its been a long time since I worked.. let alone with tearaway kids..! Lots to organise now I have THE VISA.. medicare, drivers license... shipping my shit over...
Had an offer on my apartment too.. a very low offer.. 160,000dk under the asking price... but such is the climate atm!
Spendin this week running around doing paperworkas Monday 23rd 8am I start...WORKING!!!!
Tuesday, 10 February 2009
VISA
I got notification of my Visa approval today! So now I am granted leave to work in AU for 4 years! I have to finalise paperwork but should start work next week! Im a bit scared, its been a while since i worked, let alone as a Nurse!!!
Lukes crazy ex girlfriend has started to write to me on facebook. I am a little worried as she seems quite crazy, and Im not sure why she has started to write to me. Its all crazy stuff.. this is the last email:
You do realise the password to your "boyfriends" email is luvcandy15 try it yourself if you dont believe me.
Have fun : ) and tell luke i said our chat last week was really sweet.
Ta ta!
I have never met this girl, so can only assume she is completely insane. Still am used to working with insane people so just ignoring it and have now blocked emails from her.
Just need to find a house now and settle down-finally!
Spent the last 5 days in Sydney with Luke. It was great. Love all the asian markets and Darling harbour.. also went to star city casino and had a go on the pokies... would be a great place to get hair rebonded, if I ever go back. Wish there were more asian hairdressers in WA. We had a reat time, and I think it brought us closer together, as we both seemed to want to do the same things and have the same amount of energy.
Photos to follow...
Lukes crazy ex girlfriend has started to write to me on facebook. I am a little worried as she seems quite crazy, and Im not sure why she has started to write to me. Its all crazy stuff.. this is the last email:
You do realise the password to your "boyfriends" email is luvcandy15 try it yourself if you dont believe me.
Have fun : ) and tell luke i said our chat last week was really sweet.
Ta ta!
I have never met this girl, so can only assume she is completely insane. Still am used to working with insane people so just ignoring it and have now blocked emails from her.
Just need to find a house now and settle down-finally!
Spent the last 5 days in Sydney with Luke. It was great. Love all the asian markets and Darling harbour.. also went to star city casino and had a go on the pokies... would be a great place to get hair rebonded, if I ever go back. Wish there were more asian hairdressers in WA. We had a reat time, and I think it brought us closer together, as we both seemed to want to do the same things and have the same amount of energy.
Photos to follow...
Tuesday, 3 February 2009
I (H)ate Gluten
Gluten is evil. Since Lukes birthday I have had muscle aches, mouth and throat ulcers, pimples, leg and feet cramps and exhaustion. Gluten is NOT worth it, however tempting.
Australia day was interesting. Now I know why all the Aussies in London get sad and go crazy on Australia Day. Weather was beautiful, and it was Lukes mums birthday, and she hired a beach house in Halls Head, about an hour south from Perth. Fantastic, went out on their boat a lot.
Thursday we head to Sydney to sightsee and to see TopGear... very exciting! Lookin forward to seeing more of AUS, just hoping I get more energy! PMSing to hell and Glutened too.. Still Im craving steaks , duck and spinach... a strange mix, but hpefully it helps get me better.
Also Luke gave me a spa day voucher for christmas so tomorrow I get to go to the spa and also get my haircut... its so long now- hasnt been cut for months. Need to start smartnening myself up ready to start work..visa application is in so it could be any day now...!
Thursday, 22 January 2009
B12
So tired and feeling poo , reckon its cos I ate wheat on Lukes birthday (accidently) Just injected b12 so hoping that will help with energy.. lets see.
Hd a chat with Christian last night, I do miss him, but its getting less and less. Also been talking to Luke and maybe we can work things out, he seems to want to go all the way with me, and backs that up by being there and supporting me so lets see.
Its hard to give myself b12.. the injection is in the butt and its hard to turn round and do that to yourself! But I think it makes a huge difference, I think I have self diagnosed my problem:
Hd a chat with Christian last night, I do miss him, but its getting less and less. Also been talking to Luke and maybe we can work things out, he seems to want to go all the way with me, and backs that up by being there and supporting me so lets see.
Its hard to give myself b12.. the injection is in the butt and its hard to turn round and do that to yourself! But I think it makes a huge difference, I think I have self diagnosed my problem:
Not depression, makes pms worse, and affects mood. all made better by b12. Jackpot.
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