Self destruction

Feeling stronger, apart from the shoulder injury I picked up at work today, but now I have been signed off sick as unfit to work, so at least can get all my paperwork sorted, if I can write!

Christian told me im the most self destructive person he knows. I know I kinda am. Moving to Australia wasnt the worse thing I could have done, but maybe if Id stuck it out longer in DK I could have worked things out.. anyways je ne regret rien!

I do miss DK, and Christian, and Mie, but in reality I didnt fit into DK, I just dont seem to fit anywhere.

AT least here, Luke cares about me and looks after me, and thats more than Ive probably had in my life.

In pursuit of happiness

So I realise I have a social phobia. Hate being around people. Especially after that work person basically told me eveyone hates me. Nightmare. Was at a workmates wedding today, and I just couldnt wait to get out of there.

So I have social phobias, Im not a nice person, and I feel like crap. WHAT IS THE POINT OF MY EXISTANCE other than pure torture?

I wonder why Luke puts up with me sometimes.

I am definitely not happy though. Australia is not like I thought it would be, its far too similar to UK and working with all UK people and their miserableness and humour that pokes fun at people is doiing my head in. I MISS DENMARK!! I have realised I am more Danish than english.

I have cut all contact with the other man, not that anything happened but he wanted it to, and to distract myself from my sad life I may have slipped into something I didnt want to do. However now i have absolutely no distraction from the boredom and lonliness of it all.

I miss my computer. My computer is my best friend and fulfills all my needs. I need to work with computers again. Not people.

Stuck here on a visa, I dont have many job options. Oh I do just want to fly away.

My shipment is stuck in customs, My money from my flat is stuck in denmark, The rent from my flat is stuck in my old tenants pocket and I am stuck trying to change the person I am into a person not only I like but people around me like.

Fuck. This is hard.

What a life

Sorry I havent caught up with you in ages, things have been so busy.

Things with Luke havent been great, and since my birthday when that guy asked me out I have been questioning our relationship.

Work hasnt been great either. As always theres one person who really makes my life difficult, always female, and always above average size.

So needless to say IM not too happy right now.

33, and trapped. Missing Denmark. Not sure if I ever will be able to have kids, or be in a job I love again.

Christian has forgotten about me- he forgot my birthday. (Which by the way the pic is from with my friend Jay) I ever forget anyone, and still think about every single person who has meant somethingto me.

Parents still havent called, but they did send money for my birthday which was a surprise...or was it.

Wish I could run away and go travelling again. Not liking myself or my life right now.

Working in a team of english people and english people are so rude and sarcastic to each other I just cant deal with it.

I just ant seem to get anything in my life right at the moment and wondering whether I should be doing something different.

My shipment arrived from DK this week and my flat sold so thats that chapter of my life closed, which hurts. Havent seen the money for the flat yet though! ALso the guy renting my flat didnt pay the last two months so thats pretty annoying too. PLUS he stole all my things.

I think I am just unlucky, these things never seem to happen to anyone else.

Im a loser baby...

Im never happy. I have no exciting conversations, Im not particularly interesting, Im not funny, and I dont really like being around people, becuase I am scared and ashamed to be around them. Im just not good enough.

I dont have children, I dont have anything of any realy value, I dont have a family...

So when put against Lukes sister, who is confident, well dressed,beautiful, outgoing, the life and soul of the party I feel inadequate. And her weedy, yet strangely full of himself boyfriend really annoys me.

DOnt get me wrong, I love his sister , everyone loves his sister, shes a lovely person. But I am extremely jealous that she can be who she wans and get what she wants and acts perfectly all the time, whereas I am a constant misery and no fun to be around at all.

Im not nice to live with, my mood changes a lot and I cry a lot. I get upset because Luke doesnt do little things to show he cars, like remember valentines or buy me flowers or anything.

And maybe I overcompensate by buying him things all the time, because although I love him I know deep down that Im not totally in love with him.

SOmetimes I feel I just want my life to stop, I cant go on being me anymore, and its just too hard to change.

WHY CANT I BE HAPPY.

Work blues

Im not sure I like being back in nursing. All these women trying to prove themselves, its crazy. It makes for a instable environment both to work and for the kids. The kids are ok, managable. Like I say its just the staff that make it all so difficult. I feel the difference when on shift with different people. And thats the other thing: shift work is killing me.

Been thinking back to denmark and making it rosey in my mind, but it wasnt I know. I have a better life here, more sunshine, people who care. I just need to find my way out of this job and into one that suits me better.

I do miss Denmark, the danes in general. Yes there were weird bitches like Mia, but in general people were less anxious and more down to earth. People here are a lot less stuffy though.

Still hot here, 32 C today.

My apartment in copenhagen is about to be sold... ridiculously under the asking price, but in this climate what can you do?! At least its sold, and im ready to start over with no ties in dk at all.

The hospital is organising a group sponsored permanent residency. I am not sure what this will mean but sounds very positive, will find out more tomorrow.

I wonder if I will ever be happy. Im not sure everything is totally right right now. Living with Luke feels like having a flatmate right now. We only have a small bed, and he is restless, so hes sleeping in another bedroom. Reminds a bit of my ex husband shortly before we divorced. But hes doing it for me so I can get sleep for my shifts on early starts. Still feels weird though.

Home-work

Moved into a house at the weekend. I now (at least for the next 6 months) live in a townhouse in a gated complex in Australia, with a pool and a gym! Its quite nice really.

Started work today. Wow. Kids screaming, fecal smearing... prefer a 9-5 desk job web designing but at least this pays the bills and I get to change and save lives... This week is gonna be hard while I get used to working again (its been a year!) and get used to nursing again (its been 5 years!)

So looks like I am settled in australia. Its not what I wanted but its where Im at now, so just get along with it. Its not a bad place to be, and Lukes not a bad person to be with. Hope one day I can give him my heart.

Talking of that, heard Thomas is having a baby with his gf which is a bit weird, but am happy for him. Its weird to think if i had settled down a bit it could have been me, but at the rate I am going I will never have kids.

This week is gonna be hard.

Valentines

Its been almost a year since I updated my main photo, so here is a pic from Sydney last week.. I look older :(

Valentines day.. well, less said there the better.

SO I start work week on monday.. I am terrified.. its been a long time since I worked.. let alone with tearaway kids..! Lots to organise now I have THE VISA.. medicare, drivers license... shipping my shit over...

Had an offer on my apartment too.. a very low offer.. 160,000dk under the asking price... but such is the climate atm!

Spendin this week running around doing paperworkas Monday 23rd 8am I start...WORKING!!!!