How low can you go

Poo. Just when I thought things were ok I suddenly hit a brick wall. It started sat with a poor nights sleep with a late shift fri and early sat and straight to work for another double. Was so tired ended up cancelling my extra shift and going home only to be stopped by the police for speeding. Finished my shift on sunday in a blur and monday woke as usual at 0530 to go see the lovely lemon tree in the back yard had be chopped down. I was and am so upset, spent my days off trying to regain energy- going for massage injecting vit b taking extra vits but nothing worked. 

Back to work wednesday and i make two medication errors, extenuating circumstances aside this is not cool. I was pulled up by management who are putting me on probation for a month pulling me off my ward and cancelling my extra shifts. One more med error and im at risk of losing my job. Today i dont feel like working at all. Im losing it. Im not sure Ive been taking my meds properly or at all and im panicking about everything especially about this whole relationship thing. Also Ive been having constant nightmares. Need to see my psych but hes pretty useless and concentrates on medication. Im fucked.

A catch up and a happy ever after?

Sorry its been a while. A lot has happened though. Seriel dating proved a disaster. I had a manic episode after I left my last job, which whilst disturbing led me to swing dance classes a new friend and a potential husband also a medication that actually seems to help.

I am now in a job that is much less stressful and which on most days I actually enjoy.

I have just returned from an 8 week trip around Europe witg said potential hubby, and he is returning in November to start a new life with me, we are planning to have children in a year or so.

I visited Dk and lordy do I miss that place and my Danish mother Marianne. I cried so much when I left.

I also visited the parents and attempted to lay some ghosts to rest which I think helped me too.

So here I am on the verge of a happy ever after with a guy who seems to adore me whatever I do. I was crazy about him too at first but you know me and my changeable mind... We will see what happens when he gets back I guess. The time has come though now to settle and have babies. The clock is ticking.

New Year and Still Here

Okay I survived the meds, using a very good psychologist and a very good hypnotist. Im back at work and actually enjoying it. Im stronger, louder, prouder and more positive.

I spent christmas with Lukes family, new years with new friends and have innumerable dates. But Im not ready to be in a relationship, I want to heal and fix myself completely.

So in summary Im better than new, Im strong and confident and Im going out again (a little too much) Picture is from last saturday with a swede and a zambian.

People in my life right now:
Suzanna a passing swede whos soon moving to sydney :( Turns out I can speak Swedish pretty good!
Luke who is my best mate and we are at a good place right now
Dieter - a south african I met who wants to date me and gets a little clingy, he is lovely tho
Damon - an irish born aussie who we met out last saturday- a perfect gentleman and hyperintelligent
Wesley a very very pretty south african, but a bit of a player.
Angie, a girl from work who I go out with a fair bit

and lets not forget Kasper- my puppy who is a maltese x shitsu.

Life is ok people, life is good :)

chemical reactions

Woke up today not so good and before even taking pill had crying/panic episode andmy head feels like exploding and feel angry. Have an appointment with a new psychologist today and really dont want this to be the first she sees of me. Read about this drug on internetand it seems many people on it have committed suicide. I dont want to commit suicide. I really dont but I am scared.

Luke is looking after me, helping me and staying with me so I am very lucky to have him still as a friend.

Wonderstuff

last couple weeks Ive been a bit shaky and on monday saw the dr again. This time he sent me for a scan on my hip and prescribed an anti anxiety/antidepressant called Lexapro. He also gave me another 2 weeks off work.

This dr is new and he seems to understand everything, he gave me his mobile number in case bad stuff happened like the last time I tried antidepressants. This made me feel a lot more trusting of him.

I took the first Lexapro yesterday morning- half a tablet. Before taking it I was anxious and tearful. I took it and 30 minutes later was dumbed down, felt sleepy couldnt feel anything, and 2 hours after taking it it hit me, like a screaming pain in my head. Thi lasted for 15 minutes of me screaming out ane then it was ok. And I fely dare I say it...happy!? AT least peaceful, all the fears the irritableness the jealousy just dissipated. I do seem to have lost the taste for food, I no longer get intense pleasure from eating chocolate or cocacola like I did the day before- but possibly a small price to pay if this will make me a better stronger person...

Took 2nd half this morning and the whoosing head was there but not so bad, but already feeling more confident and content...

I am an emotional person and I hope this doesnt take away all of that.. but Im hoping I can go out do things and maybe enjoy work?

I am coming to the realisation though that I may have been addicted to sex and using sex as a way of feeling chemically good and de stressing. WHilst this sounds ok its not and the guilt and broken relationships remind me so too. I didnt even realise I was doing it, but lexapro seems to help in this area too.

Is Angel changed forever by a small white pill....?

I'm human and I need to be loved- just like everybody else does

Things seem to happen, lost my bank card, got attacked outside work. Currently off work with PTSD, can't stop crying. Guess the stress finally broke me. I feel so vulnerable and small and unsafe. Had bloods done. Dr gave me week off work, which I needed. I just dont feel safe in this world, when there is so much evil around.

I feel safe when I'm with Luke and Ben but thats about it.

I will get stronger again wont I?

New start

Ok a lot's happened in the past month. I left Luke so single again, I moved out and have my own house and I bought a puppy. I held this puppy and I cried- I did try others but this one is like a baby, and now I feel fulfilled in my maternal needs. Picture of my puppy Kasper to the left..

Men: lots of those around, Craigs still around, and theres Ben who I love spending time with in everyway but dont want to fall for him, hes not my "type" and he doesnt want more children (has a 10 year old girl). And then theres Amit a crazy psychiatrist. I dont want to be emotionally involved just yet, enjoying being single again for a moment.

Feeling bad about Luke, and I still love him, hes an amazing guy and his family are still so kind to me even though we split.

Onwards...