I can see pain

I can see peoples pain. It hurts to look at it. The other day was having a barbeque with a group of people and they were talking about schooldays and one said to everyone in general but I suspect to his father that he wouldnt dare do anything wrong because hed be beaten by his grandfather if he did. I heard that, and I am sure everyone heard that, but in typical human style is was ignored. I wanted to say, I know the pain you feel! I know what its like to be unherad and dismissed!! But i too, pretended I didnt hear it :( I see peoples pain everywhere. People crying out for peple to care but the signals going missed and the bubbles brekaing and the hurt in their eyes. I wish i couldnt see all that, because I feel it too, and carry it with me, and I cant do a thing about it.

Im so fricking hormonally on edge right now. Upset by everything and jealous about all. Its like watching a car crash. cant stop it but can see it happening in front of me. Hate PMS. Sooo tired too this month.

Ventured out with a couple of Lukes female friends yesterday. Going to the beach with 20 year olds made me very nervous, but I was relieved to find my body shaped up to it, and was comparably ok next to the 20 year olds, so wasnt too embarassed at all. In fact had quite a nice time, nice to hang out with girls again. I do find I miss Mie.

Im dreaming...

But unfortunately not of a white christmas :( PMS started yesterday boobs swollen, anxious mood, bad dreams. Stress.

Im stressed about not recieveing the rent from my apartment this month, meaning I have no money.

Im stressed about my nursing licence not yet arriving, and so my visa application will be late.

Im stressed about getting christmas presents for all these people getting them for me, and having no money to do it.

Im stressed about attending parties here but only having one suitcase of clothes and only one dress.

The biggest thing is the loss of trust I have in renting my apartment to a "friend" No contract and no reply to emails and missin rent, and its hard to do anything about it from here :(

The nightmares last night were forceful and plenty, all my fears and worries seem to attack me at this time of the month, and I cant stop it, it attacks in my fricking sleep!!

wondering if I shoul d take some extra vit b, or what I should do, it will only get worse for the next 10 days until period starts....

Thanksgiving

First of all to the Americans out there reading, happy thanksgiving.

Christmas is a weird time for me. Having no family makes it a very lonely time and being involved with anothers family accentuates that feeling, however involved they make you feel.

Thinking back to this time last year, losing a baby, christmas with christian, and how loney I felt though all of that; no christmas presents or any love or sympathy from dear christian...

I therefore give thanks for Luke, for making me feel special and loved outside of holidays. I give thanks for Marianne, who makes me feel like someone cares outside of a boy-girl relationship. I give thanks for the people around me who give me strength, especially you, my blog readers who have supported me through some of the toughest times in my life.

This year was all about finding myself, as I wrote last year. Well Im not entirely sure I have completed that task, but I have almost found a new place in the world. And thats a start.

Tie me kangaroo down sport..

Not a lot going on at the moment. My life is full of paperwork, and waiting for paperwork. Still waiting for my registration and police checks from uk to come through before visa application can be started.

So back sitting around. Thought I may put my time to good use by volunteering, either for st john ambulance (I used to be cadet when i was younger) the salvation army (wrapping christmas presents) or the red cross (visiting the elderly) Have written to all charities and soup kitchens in the area. Hate to waste my time when I could be helping others..

Things are going well with Luke. Hes a nice guy so whats not to go well really. His family are great and its nice to be involved in a family again, although I always live in fear if I enjoy it too much it will all be taken away from me..again.

Looking forward to settling down at last though...

Looking up

Period started sunday and was relatively painless and emotionless..and less exausting I think thanks to the b12!!

All the job stuff is panning out and I have a start date now, so just got to look forward to christmas and then after that look forward to starting my new job!

Then all the stuff that goes with that.. finding a house, settling down.. starting a new life....

I am thinking about Luke as a serious life partner now I may be able to stay in this country, so I had better sort myself out a bit more and try and make this one work!

Back in the land of aus

So been back a week now. Had my interview, got the job. Now have tons of paperwork and hurdles to jump to get my visa, and THEN I can start work!!

Am 3 days late with period, which happens when I travel, but its making me tired and stressed and panicky. But thanks to the vitamin B, not as panicky and tired and stressed as usual! Could it be I have found the cure..?

Panicking about my apartment in DK. I started with a very short term rent to a friend of my neighbour. One month it was supposed to be. They have now been there 3 months, and the rent is always delayed, I have no deposit from them etc .. wondering whether I should now get a contract written up.. and maybe find out how long they intend to stay, so maybe I can find another tenant after!! I did things all wrong. I should have left all this with Marianne, as I now dont trust the people running my affairs, but now I cant seem to anything about it!

Panicking about all the paperwork, police checks and x rays I have to get organised before I can start work..

Although am really looking forward to the job, its looks just what I like doing... working with 8-13 year olds and ther families with emotioal and behavioural problems. No nightshifts and no weekends woooo hooo!!

So Just need to sort out the confusing odds and ends, find somewhere to live and then start my life!!

Four seasons in one day

So parting soon for the sunnier climes of Australia. Here is my summary of NZ

• Bedlinen is called Manchester here
• The majority of kiwi "ladies" are tattoed big time
• It rains a lot
• They have a weird accent (bed is pronounced bid and big is prononces bug)
• The rural areas look very much like UK/Scotland only with a few tropical areas

So a new leaf is about to be turned and I will try and wipe all the old stuff out and start a new life in Australia.. wish me luck x