Thursday, 29 October 2009

chemical reactions

Woke up today not so good and before even taking pill had crying/panic episode andmy head feels like exploding and feel angry. Have an appointment with a new psychologist today and really dont want this to be the first she sees of me. Read about this drug on internetand it seems many people on it have committed suicide. I dont want to commit suicide. I really dont but I am scared.

Luke is looking after me, helping me and staying with me so I am very lucky to have him still as a friend.

Wednesday, 28 October 2009


last couple weeks Ive been a bit shaky and on monday saw the dr again. This time he sent me for a scan on my hip and prescribed an anti anxiety/antidepressant called Lexapro. He also gave me another 2 weeks off work.

This dr is new and he seems to understand everything, he gave me his mobile number in case bad stuff happened like the last time I tried antidepressants. This made me feel a lot more trusting of him.

I took the first Lexapro yesterday morning- half a tablet. Before taking it I was anxious and tearful. I took it and 30 minutes later was dumbed down, felt sleepy couldnt feel anything, and 2 hours after taking it it hit me, like a screaming pain in my head. Thi lasted for 15 minutes of me screaming out ane then it was ok. And I fely dare I say it...happy!? AT least peaceful, all the fears the irritableness the jealousy just dissipated. I do seem to have lost the taste for food, I no longer get intense pleasure from eating chocolate or cocacola like I did the day before- but possibly a small price to pay if this will make me a better stronger person...

Took 2nd half this morning and the whoosing head was there but not so bad, but already feeling more confident and content...

I am an emotional person and I hope this doesnt take away all of that.. but Im hoping I can go out do things and maybe enjoy work?

I am coming to the realisation though that I may have been addicted to sex and using sex as a way of feeling chemically good and de stressing. WHilst this sounds ok its not and the guilt and broken relationships remind me so too. I didnt even realise I was doing it, but lexapro seems to help in this area too.

Is Angel changed forever by a small white pill....?

Wednesday, 7 October 2009

I'm human and I need to be loved- just like everybody else does

Things seem to happen, lost my bank card, got attacked outside work. Currently off work with PTSD, can't stop crying. Guess the stress finally broke me. I feel so vulnerable and small and unsafe. Had bloods done. Dr gave me week off work, which I needed. I just dont feel safe in this world, when there is so much evil around.

I feel safe when I'm with Luke and Ben but thats about it.

I will get stronger again wont I?