Thursday, 31 January 2008

Arrival in thailand

Expecting to be met by beautiful thai girls holding coconut cocktails, I arrived at bangkok airport very late last night. Having made it through customs, I arrive to the baggage carousel to be informed that all baggage from my flight is gone...gone??? I get sent to baggage department who make a few walky talky contacts and then tell me my baggage is lost! Now remember I'm ill, im coughing up blood, not to mention I sat next to the one crazy guy on the airplane who talked to himself, and kept doing repetative twitching moevements (how come in the movies girls get to sit next to brad pitt or someother boy next door and I get a 50 year old fat loony!!??). So in disbelief I fill out all the forms, I cant believe it it was a straight flight how could they lose whats left of my life in suitcases!!!!?? So I went to check at the carousel one last time ( dont trust anyone me..) and there it is YAY!! SO I join the very long taxi queue and head to the hotel I booked and confirmed over the internet, only to be told their full. FULL! How the heck can they be full?? I confirmed the NIGHT before!!! The guy wasnt too bothered and basically told me to fuck off, until a friendly couple came to my rescue- after that he said he did have a room but it wasnt cleaned. I was soo tired by this time 1am... I was like yeah I can sleep anywhere. When he opened the room, there was blood everywhere, and the persons belongingings scattered accross the room- I left the place like LIGHTNING. So the taxi driver took me to a brothel for the night, where I couldnt sleep and in the morning discoved the shower didnt work and there was no plug for the bath. Not to mention the fact my laptop had condensation from the flight and refused to work. In the morning the laptop came on but as soon as the power went and I plugged it it no power supply. Now you know me, my LIFE is on my laptop! So Im stuck in a brothel, shocked by the scene I saw the night before feeling very vulnerable. And because I flew when ill I have terrible earache to add to the sore throat, headache and chills etc. Piet gave me some names of places over sms but I couldnt find their numbers so I thought FUCK IT I booked into the hotel I spent new years eve in with Christian, more expensive but totally worth it, at least I can have a hot bath and sleep feeling a bit safe. Ok so (and I thank you all for your support you know I use this medium as a coping mechanism) What can I do about the laptop? The power supply works (green light comes on when plugged in) But when I plug it into computer it goes off again! Its a work computer and they expect it back- but how do I get my stuff off it, and should I cut my losses and buy anew one. And if I buy a new one how do I get both back to dk?? Does anyone else have a life like me? I just want to be in the suburbs somewhere with a doting hubby and two kids and a dog- and of course a laptop that works :)

Tuesday, 29 January 2008

Someone to watch over me

Vietnam is corrupt. People lie and cheat and steal. Guess it's like anywhere then. I am so ill right now. coughing up blood- I think its because I had the japenese b encephalitis vaccine and I am having a reaction to it. I am still paying for the doctors (which my ex bf encouraged me to go to and offered to help pay for it- then left me before he helped :( ) Plus my landlord stole my rent and deposit so I lost a lot of money- having to stay in a hotel until I can fly tomorrow. So I can't afford to go to the doctors. My body aches, my head aches and I am so cold, I just can't get warm, I am coughing and blood clots come up, and my throat is so sore, my voice has almost gone. Feel like I am dying, I am moving around because I have to but will probably collapse as soon as I reach my destination.

Feeling very unsafe, very afraid, have absolutely no one to turn to, the ones I thought I had ignore me. I move to thailand tomorrow where its warmer at least, but I am still going to be stuck in bed. When my ex bf was sick, I was there to put cold towels on his brow. No one is there for me- not even by phone/email.

Piet was right; I need someone to look after me.

Saturday, 26 January 2008

Who am I?

I am a very private person, (you wouldnt think so having a blog and all but I am..)which is something that is being challenged recently. Ex's talking crap about me, people coming into my apartment uninvited. I think I may become a hermit, never get close to anyone again. It only hurts. Th ephoto by the way is me with a friends baby. It felt so good holding him, I really didn't want to give him back.

So I am considering breast surgery, and perhaps botox. Perhaps these things will make me a happier more confident person.

All I know is I feel like I am always on the run and nowhere I go, or stay a while do I ever feel safe. Going through life like a fugitive, trusting no one, pushing people away when they get too close takes it toll.

Roaming the world in search of what? happiness? love? peace? faith? a family.

Just saying the word family makes me want to cry, so it must be that. But a hermit does not have a family. I'm a childless mother, a husbandless wife. Without fufilling these roles I dont even exist. So perhaps I am merely looking for exisitence- or the evidence of existence.

From wednesday I am on my own, in strange lands, looking for evidence that I exist.

So who am I? According to one of my more honest profiles- I'm a Grace Kelly in the wrong era, the character in the movie that you identify with but who doesn't fit in the real world. I'm a real woman with real mood swings. I feel, I love, I laugh, I cry, and I talk through movies. I require loving, understanding and forgiving, and in return give those and much more. I'm intelligent but not sharp, I'm sensitive but not soft, I am tough but not chewy. I am a chocoholic, an ice cream addict and skip proper meals, although I love to cook, and I am quite good at it. I have no interest in how drunk you got or who you vomited over. I am playful and love children, although don't have any yet. Horror stories scare me, black humour makes me laugh out loud. I laugh at my own jokes and groan at yours. I am always right but trying to change that. I am a caterpillar in a cocoon and hope to be a butterfly soon. Who are you...?

Monday, 21 January 2008

Fortune and misfortune

Driving to the fortune teller today through the outlying villages in the outer provinces of Hanoi, and suddenly we drove through what Ican only describe as dog hell. Dogs in cages being beaten with a baseball bat, dogs being spit roast, or dead on a table being sold by the pound. On a motor bike there was a small wire cage containing around 7 or 8 dogs, packed so tightly together they couldn't move, they looked like stuffed toys in a toy hammock. There was nothing I could do, this is the way of life here. I lifted up my camera to take pictures but I was too shocked to do it, it seemed so insensitive. I can't even begin to imagine how war photographers are able to shoot.

So the fortune teller told me (and yes I was also sceptical at first) That I live in a tower (true) That I live in two places (true) that I have been married before (true) That I had a baby but the baby was sad and wasnt born (had a miscarriage before christmas) He told me that I was running away and that I would marry as my mother did someone of a different nationality (true) He also said that I owe from my past life and that is why this life is hard - he said if I was vietnamese he would perform a ceremony- and he could try do this for me but he would have to give me a vietnamese name. The ceremony would cost around 4 million VND!

I'm actually considering it. This fortune teller , who diappointed me by being around MY age, and quite effeminate with liber archie sized rings and a cracking sense of humour. (was expecting a wizened old man on the mountain) This guy lived in a huge estate with a big expensive car! No wonder with all the government officials paying him to keep their "luck" They pay around 10 million every year!!

So question is to have this ceremony (tomorrow) or not....

Sunday, 20 January 2008

Stuck in teen

So I went to the movies, ate ice cream, and I'm UP again (wooooo) I'm lucky I dont stay down long really.... I do, however find that I identify with the angst female teen characters. I think I'm stuck in my teen years, unable to grow up.

Still off to see a vietnamese fortune teller tomorrow- maybe he can tell me what I should be doing... :)

Have so much to do, I find it all a little overwhelming sometimes, not great at coping with high stress (as you know) But I'm strong again now. People underestimate the power of ice cream!

AT the end of the day I'm a very old fasioned girl... a ginger looking for her fred, or a grace looking for her carey. I'm in the wrong era, or I watched too many old movies, and started to believe in them. Dammit!

Not having to be right all the time

I feel better having talked about my fears with somoone who listened to me. Sometimes all I need is to be listened to. I'm more convinced than ever that this landmark course is the right thing to do, although I may have to lie in the psychiatric disclamier..

Wondering if I should stay in Vietnam, now that I can't actually leave, take another job here. What are my reasons for travelling? Will I ever find myself that way? Where in the world should I be?

Having talked to someone I now have a lot more to think about, but I'm peeping out of the darkness- only just but I have to stay up.

Yes folks this is me, I have dark episodes, I have incredibly light ones too, I have moodswings, I love a lot and deeply, and I am generally a multifaceted human being. Deal with it.( I have to).

Now I am going to call someone and hopefully catch a movie with them...

Dead already

You're right I am dead alraedy. I just don't think I belong on this planet. Trying to think back to times I have been happy. I think the first time I felt happiness was when my ex husband asked me to marry him. Someone wanted me finally, someone accepted me, loved me, needed me.

The second time is when we bought our house.. our home, finally my own home, somewhere I could stay and be peaceful in, a place for our children to run around it. Somewhere to settle.

Other happy times are flashes- getting my first permanent job in denmark, and that meaning I was able to stay in the country I loved, on my motorbike driving in the sunshine, at my ex boyfriends summerhouse, finally spending some quality time with him, feeding the ducks and just being happy. But those moments are rare to me. I rarely feel safe or secure or looked after. So maybe I am dead. I don't like or fit in with most people. I just don't understand them and of course no one understands me. That's not true the last guy that understood me, I pushed away, quite cruelly. I really don't think I deserve a life. I don't do anything with it. I'm a failure, a fraud, and unlovable.

Darkness falls

Every so often the darkness falls. I wake up in the night crying and screaming, thinking I can't go on. I have been now 3 days without going out, and eating only what is left in the flat- chocolate and peanuts. It all hit me last night. I have no job, I have no income, I have no life left anywhere. I'm scared alone and I always will be. And I wanted to die.

I get depressed. Depression runs in my family. I used to take drugs for it until "they" told me I was bi-polar and gave me more drugs to stop me being high. This made my mind a blank and turned me into a dribbling ape, so I agreed to take talking therapy instead and went on a waiting list. The waiting list was years long, and I moved from place to place, eventually ending up in Denmark years later where I was unable to afford a therapist or even find one that therapised in english.

So I carry the depression around with me, and in stressful situations (don't get stressed they say- dont take a stressful job) I crack up. So here I am alone,cold, hungry, no one to talk with but myself, my blog and my ex bf by sms (who is unympathetic and thinks Im crazy), dealing with all the issues in my past- child abuse, crazy parents, torture, attempted murder, rape, lonliness, divorce, miscarriage etc.. all at once trying to work through this mountain of emotions all alone in a country where Im trapped. I knew there was a reason I put a lid on these things, it's enough to kill anyone!

I am a person who needs stability, thats what Im always told. As long as I have a job that keeps my mind occupied and a place to call home, I should be in a place I can deal with stuff.

So what do I do? Give all that up- for a man! How stupid can I get! And did the man care- fuck no.

It's like opening a can of worms- I can't close it now- I have so much guilt and I hate the person I am right now. The ex says the only person that can fix that is me- but how???


I'm a crying, hungry mess, and I just don't know what to do. I know I am supposed to stay safe, but I don't know whether I have the strength for that anymore.

I need a hug so much- I feel like a child. I know I'm a 32 year old woman, but I break just like a little girl.

Saturday, 19 January 2008

Broken things stay broken

Another thing I can't do is talk to my self. Well I can, but it sounds a bit strange. Today I feel very sad. I have been alone the last couple of days thinking, and with not much food left in the house. This is a dangerous combination, and combined with soppy movies about love, is heading for a sure disaster. So who do I turn to for comfort? I turned to Christian, but he doesn't want to hear my pain. He only wants to hear the good things. It's not easy this self develpment stuff, I feel I am on the edge a lot, with no support from anyone. Maybe I will blow all my savings and then do a virginia woolf.

Things look bleak, I'm terried, of now and the future. I don't know how I will cope with no job, Im fucking scared to death. And the reality is that it's not all going to be ok and there is no happy ever after to look forward to. Just more emptiness and sorrow, and I'm not sure that I am prepared to go through that anymore.

Holding Angel

Most things I can cope with on my own. But one thing I can't do is hold myself. I can't wrap my arms around myself, and feel safe and warm. It's not that there aren't plenty of men who offer, but I don't want just anyone to hold me, I want it to be someone I trust and feel safe and secure with. I love being held by the right man, where i can close my eyes and lose my self in that moment of feeling peaceful and safe. I haven't been safe or secure for most of my life, so I tend to treasure those moments when I do. With the right person, being held is an amazing feeling, better than sex. I could stay in that moment for hours, holding on tight, waiting for them to say stop. Feeling the warmth, the reassuring heartbeat, the breathing, the strength of his arms wrapped around me. Yes, something I love to do, more than eat chocolate, or drink red wine, is to be held. It's like drinking a good scotch whiskey, the warmth you feel as it slides down your throat, warming every part the alcohol touches. Or the good feeling you get from eating chocolate that permeates slowly and makes you smile. It's like sliding into a hot bath, gradually feeling the warmth all over. Like the world is spinning but you are stopped still and held and safe for one moment in time. I miss being held, and I will miss being held for the next few months.

32 reasons to get a life

So having been told during my informative years that everything I believed in and thought was wrong, as an adult I found it hard to make my own decisions about my life, and rather than make decisions followed where life took me. Either that or the decisions I made were spontaneous and not thought through. So to me I couldn't trust my mind, only my heart. I made decisions with my heart instead of my head and when things went wrong my heart grew heavy. I would blame others for my mistakes because I couldn't blame myself, if I did blame myself it would re-enforce everything my parents told me. If I did anything bad or wrong, I would blame myself so much that I would want to die. The pain was unbearable and so was the guilt. If I thought I'd disappointed someone the pain would be too unbearable.

So now I have to take responsibility and give responsibilty back. I have to make my own decisions and deal with the consequences. I have to live my life for me, and not to please others.

This doesn't mean I don't want to make others happy. I do. I want so much for someone to be proud of me, but unless I am proud of myself I guess I'm setting myself up to fail.

My heart is hurting a lot right now, almost unbearably so. My head also hurts, dealing with all this realisation is not an easy process, especially without support.

I am taking the landmark course but I have also read that people have mental breakdowns when they do it, as it's a lot to take in 4 days. So I am a bit wary, especially as I have no support.

Right now I am stuck in Vietnam, as I have visa problems. I can't wait to leave and start my travels, but because I quit my job, the company reported me to immigration, and I may get flagged up at customs for questioning. SO whilst my embassy checks it out, I would rather stay put then be questioned in a vietnamese jail for 14 hours...

But I have time to think, perhaps too much time to think. And time to plan my journeys.

So far the plan is to fly to bangkok, then singapore, then malaysia, then bali, then borneo, then manilla- this brings me to the end of february, I may stay around the phillipines a while, or head off to tokyo, korea, china, and back to Thailand- where I am really hoping I can change my flight back to denmark to, as I may have problems getting back in to vietnam. My flight back to denmark is May 1st, and hopefully by then I will have figured out what I should do with my life.

My birthday is on march 26th and it looks like another birthday I will spend alone, not sure where I will be in the world but I'm sure it will be just me. Still 32- not really a reason to celebrate anyway huh? :)

Friday, 18 January 2008

Out of love

"It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops you it does not depart. True love is eternal. If you think that you were once in love, but fell out of it, then it wasn't love you were in. There are no 'exit' signs in love, there is only an 'on' ramp."

I have at last recieved the message loud and clear that he doesn't want me. That he can't handle me, and that there is no place in his life for me. So now I have to try and fall out of love and get on with my life. The song "falling out of love" by John Denver springs to mind.

So how does one fall out of love? The advice I have found so far is:

1.Control your thoughts. Apparently,women have a tougher time than men, handling a breakup. Not only does the guy go, so goes the pleasant fantasies, idyllic imaginings, the possible futures. Yes, for women, 75 percent of a breakup is divorcing your thoughts and expectations- things that, in all likelihood, bore a loose relationship to reality anyway.

2.Make new friends. Sadness sets in your soul, and you miss your former flame in a way you never thought possible. You miss them in the morning, you miss them in the evening, you miss them... all over the place. Because of this, friends find reasons to avoid you- the thought of another possible sighting, the sound of one more lovelorn sigh. You're on your own.

3.Cut the negativity. The media assists the demise of a relationship. It's those fairy tale shows that set impossibly high standards. Perfect hair, perfect life, perfect career by 26. Married by 28 (at the latest) two perfect kids by 30 (even then, you're coming in just under the wire). We women think this is the only schedule that matters- no alterations allowed. We're fooled into having impossibly high expectations of our relationships thanks to movies, TV, and music. Watching romance movies, listening to romantic songs will only make matters worse.

4. Find Spirituality . The bible, Quaran, Buddhist literature all have musing about broken and empty souls. I'm not the first to have a broken heart, and it helps to realise this.

5. Love yourself. The most difficult, I'm not sure how to do this one, but I'm going to start by taking the landmark course and see where that leads me.

So hopefully travelling will help get him out of my head and heart. I have no interest in love, or men at all right now, so there is no immediate danger I will fall again, which is also a shame. Maybe one day I will fall in love again, but I don't think that will be anytime soon.

Thursday, 17 January 2008

Losing the Fear

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Frank Herbert, Dune. Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear.

I am afraid, and I think that's what makes me the person I am. I am afraid that my boyfriends will have affairs. I am afraid I left the iron on, I am afraid, that people will think me strange, I am afraid I am not good enough. Sometimes I am afraid and have panic attacks and I don't even know why. The way I act is based on these fears, I am jealous, I am possessive, I am scared to meet people in case they don't like me, I think about things too much and I try and plan everything down to the last detail, scare of what may happen if I don't. This of course only serves to push people away. It makes me not want to tidy up because I am scared if i do it won't be perfect. And everything has to be perfect. Why? Because my parents told me it had to.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
Eleanor Roosevelt.

So coming to Vietnam, being alone, not having a plan, or any stability faces a lot of my fears. Crying alone in the dark last night I realised that I must face all my fears to become whole and stable again. I have to learn to trust those close to me. To trust myself, my own decisions. I have had so many frightening experiences that I haven't yet faced. I am facing them all head on now, and it is overwhelming. I feel I need a hug, but there isn't one. There isn't anything but me. But perhaps that's the way it's supposed to be.

"The fear of being wrong is the prime inhibitor of the creative process."
Jean Bryant.

Having been told in my informative years that I was wrong, that the way I thought was wrong, that what I believed was wrong, I find it hard now to believe in myself. But i am no longer a child, I am 31 years old. A wise adult with life experiences and stories to tell. Who one day hopefully may have a child of her own to nurture and teach. So I have to learn, and it would seem I have to learn the hard way.

"If I can endure for this minute whatever is happening to me No matter how heavy my heart is or how dark the moment might be... If I can but keep on believing what I know in my heart to be true, That darkness will fade with morning and that this will pass away, too... Then nothing can ever disturb me or fill me with uncertain fear, For as sure as night brings dawning, my morning is bound to appear..."


Travelling to Halong Bay faced a lot of my fears- standing up for myself, talking to strangers, being alone in a town for 2 days, not knowing anyone or how to speak to them. Kayaking on the ocean. It's nice to go out and explore the world. I talked about Denmark, and got sad and missed home. and I laid under the stars and wished the person I cared about was beside me, seeing the beauty I saw. I felt a bit hollow and empty for a while like part of me was missing.

“I to the world am like a drop of waterThat in the ocean seeks another drop,Who, falling there to find his fellow forth,Unseen, inquisitive, confounds himself.”

William Shakespeare - A Comedy of Errors

I guess love does that to you huh. When you find the person you want to be with, but who doesn't want to be with you it is a little sad. Actually it hurts. A lot. But nothing can be done. I must change my way of thinking about princes on white horses and fairytales. I must stop believing in romantic fantasy and start realising that life is not a fairytale, as hard as that is.

"The conquest of fear lies in the moment of its acceptance."

Saturday, 12 January 2008

Alone in the world

Now I've done it. Today i'm feeling quite alone, wondering if I have done the right thing. I don't have a job, a home, stable friends or anyone that knows me or cares for me. Very scary.

Off to Halong Bay today, so won't be here for a few days now- unless of course I happen upon an internet cafe on my travels...

On Halong Bay on a junk, and kayaking with 2 aussies I met in Hanoi- Charlotte and Ben and then they come back to Hanoi on sunday and I stay in a local hotel Huy Hoang guest house, in halong city, where my Vietnamese friend Ha will meet me on Monday night with another friend of hers and we will go to a wedding on tuesday- culture!!! The hotel is costing 30dk a night (3 quid) So I'm expecting cockroaches, but Ha says her local friend helped her find it and it has a tv and aircon and hot water- so all the basics then :) Then we will get a local bus back to Hanoi. So I am doing both the touristy thing AND the local thing :)

Trying to stay brave and keep going, even though sometimes it feels like I am falling down a deep well.

Friday, 11 January 2008

Out with the trash

So my boss was a prize bitch. Seriously, barely out of diapers, and she spent most of the time I worked with her, either being mean to me or ignoring me completely. She even threw herself at my boyfriend. This woman (and I use this term losely- everyone says she resembles a boy or a boy in drag) has not even the dignity to say anything to me at all when I resigned. I mean I had about 50 emails from people at work- some I hadnt even met, saying good luck and they'll miss me, and sorry to see me go. But my boss who I worked for for two years? Nada. Not even a goodbye. But this only goes to show she's trashy.

Moving on (and letting go of any anger- deep breath in and out- there it's gone ;)) I am of to Halong Bay this weekend, and the weather is really warm right now so it should be fanstastic. Staying on a chinese junk, and sailing around the islands, swimming, sunning, kayaking- cant wait!

Next week I plan my itinary to the rest of asia, so will let you know so you can follow me :)

Thursday, 10 January 2008

Chapter closed

So yesterday I quit my job, something I have never done before and it is very scary. Now I plan to travel asia and do a landmark course:

Hoping I find myself on the way, I know I need to do some work on myself, and giving myself the time and space to do that is necessary right now. Never had this opportunity before, and better late than never huh?

But sometimes you have to close a door before you can open several more.

I wonder about myself though- am I odd? I drink- but not much, I generally stop after one or two, unless its birthday or christmas or new year when I tend to throw up in taxis (sorry thomas) or over people (sorry thomas) but I dont make a habit of it.

I find it strange to go out drinking, and to talk about being drunk and throwing up. People have told me that they don't trust me because I dont drink enough- but I just dont enjoy it. So am I strange? Does the whole world drink except me? Am I getting old?

Feeling meloncholy right now, but had a great day out with my vietnamese friend, she is so much like me, and such a nice person, and today in Hanoi was really warm and sunny, so it was like the world saying "yes you have made the right decision".

I do miss Denmark though- people seem more forgiving there, and I have friends there who know me and dont care if I drink or not, they simply enjoy me for who I am.

And now I will find out who that is... :)

Friday, 4 January 2008

Unfairy tales

I've said this before and I will say it again: fairytales ruin lives.

All these expectation one has of meeting princes and happy endings, ruins what really is there and is special. Love isnt flowers and diamonds, its a real feeling that you just cant shake off no matter what you do. Its a content feeling around a certain person.

And so what is happiness? Being with the person that makes you feel good- whether its on a paradise island or a shopping trip to a german superstore, just being in their company makes you feel safe, warm and smile. Makes you want to build a home, a nest with them, a future with them. Waking up next to their warm body, hearing their heartbeat and smelling their scent is happiness.

Despite being brought up on happy ever afters, reality is mundane, but real. Movies don't help either. That guy isnt going to cross 3 continents just to hold you again. But that doesnt mean he doesnt love you, in a quiet and controlled way, one that doesnt get displayed.

Nothing wrong with passion though. Actually yes there is. There are 2 sides to passion, the ugly side being fear and jealousy and manifesting in insecurities and tantrums. The good side to passion is love and affection, but its hard to have one without the other.. isnt it? The thing that hurts the most though is indifference. I can understand no passion, but indifference- ouch.

But at the end of the day no one is going to slay your dragons for you, you have to do it yourself. I'm slaying mine right now...

Thursday, 3 January 2008

Love is the easy part, its the people that are complicated.

Happy New Year! I have had a lot to think about spending christmas in Hua Hin and New Years Eve in Bangkok. I am of course starting 2008 as a single woman again, and I have many thoughts and developments to make.

It is so important to have an open mind. That is to say a mind filled with jealousy and self deprication will only interpret things negatively and wrongly.

In a relationship, if someone chooses to read a book rather than bask in your glory and admire your beauty after being apart for a long time, it may not be because they find you ugly and unattractive, and are dismissing you. It may be "just their way". Like in foreign countries, some hand gestures or certain nods of the head are unacceptable and are interpreted as swearing or rude, yet in others is meaningless. It is the same in our micro worlds.

To me, if I am ignored, it is because I am worthless. To others it may be that they just bask in my company rather than keep on about it.

I am starting to understand so much now. Too late as usual, but I understand.
I understand that you are just you, and though it drives me mad you dont appear to think about me. I know that apprearances were deceptive.

Studying buddhism now, which is close to my way of thinking. Im off to a pagoda on saturday to meditate. This year is the year I lose all my insecurities and start believing not only in myself , but those around me.

My heart already believes, it's just my mind I need to open...