Tuesday, 26 May 2009

New Horizons

Went to the work do and survived, and gt sent back to work on light duties last tues. Hate my job, hate the way the children are treated. Miss Denmark.

Have to try and pull myself away from Luke if I am to have children. Offers from guys out there but Luke is safe and I am comfortable, but he is not long term.

I cant live like this, unhappy in all areas of my life, and maybe this is something to do with the traction injury I incurred to my arm, but I want more. Or for those of you familiar with my life.. I STILL want more.

I want to be happy, at work and at play. I want to be in love and from that love start a family.

Maybe I need God. It seems all those with God in their lives are very happy.

I do need love and joy in my life. I need to be stronger and less of a victim but how how how?

Do others need to work this hard to be happy?

Friday, 15 May 2009

Petrified heart

Luke is very understanding about the way I feel. He knows that I love him but hes too young for me, and although it hurts him accepts that I may need more. This level of maturity and acceptance makes me love him more, and although I am not in love, my repect for him grows.

The other guy wants me and shows an admirable endurance. But I just dont know about him.

And then theres Christian. I have never stopped loving him or thinking about him, and I dont know why and I sont know when it will stop. Even Andrew didnt take this long to get over WTF?! This could be why I am unable to love anyone else.

I need help. Ive been saying it a lot but now I do... a psychologist or buddhism or scientology something to help me figure myself out and give me back my confidence.

Im scared of everything and I need that to stop.

Have a work do tomorrow and Im petrified. The girl whos been bullying me is going to be there and Im so scared.

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

Ring of fire

I hate my life and even more I hate myself. Talked to Luke yesteday about how Im feeling about the relationship, and of course he was very upset. I do care about him, but not in love and I dont think thats fair on either of us. I mean I tried to weigh up whats important, love or longevity, and I chose the latter but I feel like a fraud. Luke is such a good man, and he looks after me, and hes what I need. But not who or what I want. That guy was bad for me and I left him behind in DK.And I miss him. How after over a year- possibly nearer two.. can I not get this guy out of my head and heart? And then theres the other guy wiling to give me what I want, whos here and now and has eveything in place and responsible, but Im not in a position to date him, and even if I was would I even like him? Why was...I so in love with C and I havent even seen him in years and he hurt me so much and Im a totally different person now anyway.

I miss Denmark a lot. Denmark was the best place to bring up children. Not here. I so very much want to have children though, and I think thats the one thing Luke cant give me..

I hate my job, I really dont want to be there, and Im not as still off with my hurt arm. I loved my job at DanaWeb. Not everyday and not when it was stressful and not being picked on by Mia. But I loved making designs and the people. I miss Mie a lot, I miss people that understand me and are not bitchy. Danish girls are generally not bitchy, well Mie wasnt.

Luke says I should go back to Dk for a trip and see how I feel. But you cant go backwards can you? Only forwards. Luke is an amazing gu. He deserves much better than me.

I miss DK I miss more who I was in DK. I was strong and beautiful, and confident. Here I am weak and ugly.

Im so confused. Im always confused. I need someone strong to hold me down and tell me this is how its gonna be. I need someone to be in control. I feel like Im totally out of control. My life is not going the way I want it to be.

Still havent seen any money from my flat, so cant pay any of my debts off. Despite angry emails everywhere no one cares. The money seems to have just disappeared. I miss my lovely apartment, my lovely cats, my lovely beach. I think I was very lonely but whats worse?

I dont understand anything.

Wednesday, 6 May 2009

Some thoughts

SO still off work with a damaged arm-hurt in a restraint and been prescribed fentanyl.. a pretty scary opiate. I want to be a web designer again.

Australia. Denmark is very protected the food the tv, Australia is not like this. The food contains ghastly amounts of chemicals and fats, the tv is infomercial after infomercial which grates on your very soul. The children are spoiled, and abused. Its very similar to UK apart from the sunshine and the amazing beaches.

I miss the simplicity of DK, the white sands, the shorter working hours the laws stating you must have a break. The people are warmer here, but the warmth makes them less sharp and spontaneous. I am disgusted by most of what I see, just repulsed and it makes me angry and unhappy.

Perhaps Australia is not the place for me. Perhaps the world is not the place for me... or maybe its just the people.....