Thursday, 28 August 2008

Bad Dreams

The nightmares are back. Woke up screaming this morning. All I remember was there was a huge party,, and a big house where I had bedroom, and two girls asked to see m room and then wouldnt leave. When they did leave they tried to break the door down from the outside after I slid the lock accross, onlly stopping when I yelled they would have to pa for any damage. When theyd gone I discovered the door didnt shut properly anymore. Also Christian was downstairs in an office but wasnt a central character, he was just there.

I remember from my Jungian/Freudian dream analysis training that rooms and houses are yourself. I woke up sceaming with my heart beating. And why was christian in the background??

I mean obviously I miss him but I would have hoped I would be over him by now.

And who were the girls?? Other parts of my inner psyche`?

Also the PMS started again yesterday... eating huge quantaties of food, sore breasts.. crying :(

I went to Lukes house for dinner with his family and it overwhelmed and upset me. I feel like I dont fit in anywhere, I dont know the rules for australia yet, I dont know what to say or what jokes to make. ARGH I hate this part of being in a foreign country. It took me long enough to learn the rules in denmark.

This is where I feel autistic and helpless. Im not naturally comfortable with people... having been locked in a bedroom during the years I was supposed to learn how to socialise. So I learn what to say what people laugh at, but Im still stuck on danish social rules and they dont apply here.

I feel like such a fuck up.

Wednesday, 27 August 2008

Dreams and schemes...and ferris wheels

Ok so I have a plan of action!

1. Job agency looking for jobs for me

2. If no jobs by oct 25 then to singapore visa run

3. Back and travel aus, christmas and ny here

4. Place on nursing competency course in jan (4 weeks)

5. world my oyster! Travel NZ and then back to aus to settle :)

Friday, 22 August 2008

Hey Jealousy

Ok so we know that Im ..slightly dysfunctional... but one of my major hurdles is jealousy and well trust. When I get jealous flames rise up inside me and I become irrational. The crazy thing is my jealous intuition is normally right... Christian fucking Mia, My ex husband running off with someone from work etc etc.. all correctly forseen by me. Is that a self fulfilling prophecy, do I try to hard to stop it happening that the very thing I fear happens because of me?

When I feel rejected an enormous anger rides out at me, self hatred, self loathin comes slithering on out, that I fear even to begin a relationship for fear of rejection and all these powerful overwhelming and uncontrollable feelings. Especially when I am insecure anyway.

How can you ever have a relationship without this trust and faith in people, that I so severely lack? I so want people to be and do the right thing but they always let me down, always.

Thursday, 21 August 2008

Dreams and schemes

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing and how. I wonder how to survive and where. I worry about the future as well as fantasising it will all be ok.

I am lucky that at least one person loves and cares for me. Blessing counted.

Just sometimes wish I had a normal 9-5 non stressfull life like everyone else.

Just need one thing to happen for my dream to come true...

Sunday, 17 August 2008


I am not sure how I am doing. Things have suddenly gotten on top of me and I find I am somewhat overwhelmed. Dan got back on Thursday, and hes been great about me staying here, and giving me advice and stuff but I just dont know what to do or how to act, I want to be helpful but I dont want to get in his way, and I certainly dont want to outstay my welcome. Its been a while since I lived with someone else, but Dan seems pretty easy to live with, for a boy :) I do feel immense guilt that I cant pay him for staying but I am trying to make myself useful where I can instead.

Couple of job leads, nothing definite and that leaves me up in the air a bit- have to leave the country by October and re enter.,,this makes me feel nervous and unsettled.

Luke has been very sweet and kind but there is also a sense of pressure from him. I cant even think about relationships of any kind at the moment until I have sorted my life out and can settle down. I dream though, about the day I can have my own place again and a car and a dog..

Another disappointment- trying to learn to drive again. The cars are so big here, and the steering wheel is on the otherside of the car and they drive on the other side of the road. Also the roads seem so dark as there isnt much lighting at night. So it would seem I am so far unsafe to drive. I am looking into driving lessons, the public transport is ok but not great,,,

Australians are sweet, old fashioned people. I like it, and miss the hardness of the danes at the same time. The other day I was sitting on a wall waiting for my ride and a guy walked past me, stopped, walked back and said "excuse me, I dont suppose youd like to go for a coffee with me would you?" I declined but had I been in the mood he would have gotten extra brownie points for effort, especially as he turned back and went the way hed come and then turned around again and said " so...defiinately no then...?" :)

Im having an ugly week this week, cant stand the way I look, or feel Im decrepit. Think Im just feeling run down.. gotta get back up there and ride the horse again. It has now been 6 months since i worked, and Im almost out of money, especially as I got another 4000kr electricty bill!! They think its from when my tenant was there...grrrr. I want to use my brain again and feel useful. Its also a year tomorrow that Christians mum died. I think more about his dad though, its so hard losing someone, but to death....that hurts more than the harshest of physical pains.

I gotta stop regretting my decisions and try and get m life back on track again... no more dating bosses or letting men rule and ruin my life. I really need to settle down soon.
And if any of you readers who dont know me, accidentally find me in real life, please dont be upset if I dont reveal my whole self to you. My blog is very open, and whilst I like to hear how you enjoy reading it and appreciate your following and your support, I am still quite a private person-in my real life. You know who you are, write here though and I will of course reply everytime ;)

Friday, 8 August 2008

The phoenix has landed

Sorry, yes I got to Australia last friday, and have been running around like a maniac and sleeping A LOT ever since. PMDD and jet lag... not good!

Australia, is a lovely place. Have found a gluten free bakery (take note Brent :)) that not only sells all different kinds of gluten free bread, but also fresh cakes, pies, and all sorts of other goodies... slowly getting fat on gf chocolate eclairs, meat pies and pizzas!

Its a bit cold here right now.. 20 degrees but its been sunny. I have had trouble turning my days around, but on the whole loving it.

Been staying at Dans house, although Dans been in UK- we met in Malaysia briefly haha - so have been trying to be a house and home angel and cleaning and making his home nice and doing things he wouldnt expect in return for the stay :)

Feeling a bit sick at the moment, but prob just jet lag and pmdd, if it stay may go see a doc.

Had a job interview on monday and that went well, but not sure its going to work out as they havent sponsored before, so still looking and looking into visas.

So.. just to say I am still alive, and in Australia :D