Wednesday, 30 July 2008
Me? I feel beaten down mentally, and close to tears. I am tired, stressed and feel... worthless.
But in the background Luke and MArianne have been keeping me strong, making me realise that somewhere someone things something of me, thinks I am a good person, and worth something.
I just need to get away from here and on with my real life.
Im done with being told Im not good enough... for WHAT??! They are like vampires sucking all the life out of me.. hopefully australia can help put some of that life back.. I hope so...
Now Im empty and tired and wondering if I am doing the right thing...
Saturday, 26 July 2008
So Apartment is clean, and empty, cases packed, Helle comes to take the cats tomrrow, and I fly at ridiculous O clock away from Denmark.
Goodbye Denmark, I will miss you, especially in the summertime when the sun is out and people are happy. I wont miss the people, although some rare people I have met have showed me kindness.
Goodbye Christian, I loved you with all my heart, but I couldnt be what you needed me to be.
Goodbye baby cats, I looked after you as much as I could, I hope you find a new home with people who love you as much as I did.
Goodbye friends, who made my life in Denmark that little bit easier; little brother Piet, Mie with her lovely cakes and my Danish mother Marianne. Marianne you will always be my mother in Denmark, and I hope you and the family will stay in touch and come visit. I have really appreciated the support you gave me when no one else was there, I will miss you. Friends like Doc, who supported me from afar and was nerdy when I needed him to be. Tim, a new friend who I will still miss, and hope to see him again one day.
Goodbye apartment, you sheltered me and kept me safe when I was broken and wounded from my divorce, you have always been light and bright and I enjoyed my time in you.
So now its time to move on, and find out where my new life should start. The last time I started my life over again I built up a nest and hoped to share it with someone special. I made mistakes and lost my security and myself. This time I will find a job and hold onto it, I will definitely not date anyone I work with as I need a job to hold onto. I will have more fun outside rather than bury myself in my nest, and I will do all those things I have been saving to do with someone special, because someone special may not exist and thats a life wasted. Most of all I will not rely on a man to make decisions or take his opinion as truth, because no one knows the truth better than me and I just need to develop the confidence to believe that.
Now to face my achilles heel; the parents......
Picture is me in the park on friday
Friday, 25 July 2008
yetserday I said goodbye to my friends Mie and Tim which was a bit sad.
Also Helle called me about the cats and she will pick them up on sunday, look after them for a week and then take them to a good cat home for me when the place is available.
My neighbours are looking after my apartment and looks like they have someone to rent it through august at least if it doesnt sell.
Martin has been flirting and I am almost tempted as I really need to have some fun and let some stress go at the moment! I feel like a can of cola thats been shaken up and I need to release some stress before I go into another stressful situation with my parents, and moving to a new country...!
So just some cleaning and throwing away to do and then all set to leave sunday morning 4am!!
Wednesday, 23 July 2008
So signed paperwork at estate agent today, went to kommune (who werent very helpful) and ran around like a maniac really. Exhausted.
Tomorrow Mie comes over and I have to go tó the police station. cant remember what else there is to do apart from clean and pack.
Soon be out of this craziness.. straight into more craziness.. and then to the sanity of Perth... woo hoooo
Tuesday, 22 July 2008
Still got a lot to sort out though
- estate agent
Busy week. So stressed, but my friend Marianne has really been there for me. SHe helped me find a cat home to take my cats (costs 1900!!!) And Shes giving m a ride to the airport even though its 4am!! My parents wouldnt even pick me up, and yet someone not related to me is willing to be sooo kind. I will miss her and her family a lot.
Thinking of having one last drunken cph night with raz on friday... will need a drink after I take my cats to the cat home and before I face my parents.
Had someone call about apartment too so cross fingers for that one!!!
Sunday, 20 July 2008
SO have to sort out the stuff they left behind, and find a home for the cats and then I can go find a job in a place i hope I belong.
Luke is an amazing guy. He calls me every day to check Im ok, hes interested in what I have to say, he tries to help me as much as possible and hes not scared by me. He even thinks Im beautiful inside and out. I miss him. He always says and does the right things without any coaxing.
Dans great too, hes letting me stay with him in Perth until I get my shit together, which is great as until I sell the flat am living on credit cards.
I feel really blessed to have such good friends, I wish Id had them here, but its worth it to go to Pert when the weather, the people and the place is amazing.
My mother is ill, she does this after we have conversations that upset her. She does it to make me feel guilty or sorry for her. Maybe she doesnt want me to visit.
I just cant wait to get to sunny Perth now.
Friday, 18 July 2008
So we brought them home again.
Im really fucked for money right now. The move cost over 30000kr - and they wouldnt take a credit card so I had to give them the last of my savings. I am literally living on credit right now. I have a small amount of cash from the furniture, but just enough to buy food, and pay my bills.
Found another place for the cats, but this one costs 1800 kr... eek !
Been giving all my stuff away, but discovered today a bowl I got as a wedding present was worth a lot- luckily the person I gave it to is giving it back to for me to sell! I hate asking for things back its awful, but I didnt realise its worth aand I am so desperate for money right now, considering all sorts of things to make some!
Have applied for more credit cards to live on and get me out to aus, and really hoping to sell the apartent quick, may even put another estate agent on it too!
Got to get to Aus and get a job soon. I really hope something good happens soon!!
Tuesday, 15 July 2008
So Ive been selling everything on qxl...today I sold a teddy bear, the old lady came to collect it and was very happy.. shes going to send me photos of the rest of her teddy bear collection..... So I used the money to order in with as I have no food left! Yay for teddy!
I seem to be going backwards instead of forwards, but most things sold or packed and have been ruthless in throwing stuff out... feels good in a way though. I threw out 5 years worth of reciepts--bit sad really seeing your life in reciepts.. furniture, flights, restaurants, stll, its all done now.
I gotta get a move on though, Im running out of time and still have lots to doooo!!!! ARGH!
Monday, 14 July 2008
Mon: people collecting furniture, organise my stuff for packing
Tue: organise stuff for packing, pack suitcases dont forget anything I need, documents etc
Wed:Last day with my cats, ttx coming over with pib with stuff she borrowed
Thurs:cats go to cats home
Sat:thomas to help me take rest of stuff to charity
Sun:People come collect my garden furniture
Still to do:
- See kommune
- See police
- See Drs for Vaccinations
- Sell rest of furniture
- Organise flights
- Organise placement in NZ or if not possible Perth
- Find a way to get to airport with 3 suitcases
- Organise credit cards/bankloans
- leave forwarding address with postdanmark
- DONT PANIC
Saturday, 12 July 2008
She said my father was sorry and that I should go visit them before I go to oz and talk about it. I told her how much that scared me because of my dads violence and she told me that he is now a little old man with grey hair and he couldnt hurt me. But Its still there you know... physically mentally and emotionally. I told her whatever I did I didnt deserve that as a child and I still have to carry it around with me. I told her about my suicide attempt at 14 (they never knew, I went to hospital had stitches wore long sleeves in summer but they didnt notice it at all) and how bad I felt and still feel about their words.I always wanted them to love me, but I was never good enough as I wasnt a boy. I told her it wasnt my fault I couldnt help my gender or any of it.
I think she realises they were wrong...this is a first. But they may not see it like that next time I talk with them... Im sure it will end up being all my fault again. I will go and see them, but I am not looking foward to it. Maybe this will help with some closure for me... lets hope I survive!
Hmm guess Im just trying to take my mind off the stress, but its a fun idea :)
Wednesday, 9 July 2008
So where am I? Still in Denmark. Furniture nearly all sold, Waiting for comeback from The NZ uni, and then its all go... even had a viewer to my flat today.... ooh!
So movers coming on the 18th and by then I should have booked my flights and know when Im heading to NZ.
Its sad and yet its exciting at the same time, Really hope to sell my flat cos Im broke and kind of in the shit.
But I feel a bit supported now anyway, My friend Marianne has been amazing in helping me, she really gives me renewed faith in people, not to mention stranger Thomas (theh one that picked e up from the airport) And Have made some new friends too who are pretty cool to hang around and who I will actually miss!
Have found a place in a cats home for my babies, but still looking in to taking them if its not too expensive, and they can make it. If only I can sell then that would make things a lot easier..!
Picture is me looking tired today.
Monday, 7 July 2008
SO movers confirmed for 18th July
Waiting for course confirmation from NZ
all furniture nearly sold, that remaining to red cross on 19th
Phone and internet and DR cancelled
Still have a bit more to do but its all working out gradually.
I am sitting in an empty flat on the floor though :)
Thursday, 3 July 2008
Just waiting for confirmation from New Zealand about course but....
*Estate Agents signed up.
*Some Furniture being collected by buyers on sunday.
*Friend helping me clear my stuff to red cross July 19th (hopefully)
*Moving crew ready to move me July 22nd
SO almost ready to book flights for 23 July!
So just have to cancel all bills and stuff soon... and close down bank account
its nearly time to go....
Wednesday, 2 July 2008
So through the warmth of some genuine people I have picked myself up again, Marianne brought me some food over, which made me feel better not just that someone cares about me, but eating it helped my mood come back up. She also showed me how to put my stuff on QXL so have sold a lot more stuff. Her kindness really helped me realise there is some good in people out there.
Things are in swing, Andreas talked me into getting a loan from the bank and this has also helped tide me over.
So Im almost ready. Looking at moving the end of july and leaving the flat for sale with the estate agents.
I will probably fly to new zealand, to do my course and then on to aus.
I have a friend to come and help me take whats not sold to the red cross, so at least all my stuff will do some good for someone somewhere, I am also volunteering for the danish redcross whilst I have no job, so it keeps me busy and they get some help. Makes me feel not so useless too.
Soon will be on the otherside of the world, far away from the cruelness of some people here.
Things are moving as they should be.