Friday, 29 February 2008

Monkeys in the jungle

Had the most amazing day yesterday in the jungle swamps looking at probiscus monkeys in the wilds of borneo and water buffalo and other cheeky monkeys. Met some nice austrailians too which was cool. Cant believe I have been in the jungle!

Going in deeper on monday when I go see the orangutangs. This is an amazing experience! Picture is me in the jungle swamps with wild water buffalo in the background.

I had an interesting conversation on the journey too, met a girl named jaila, who taught me all about malay culture and language in her sweet broken english. She told me also of her dreams to go to japan one day and that she is learning japanese. This little girl was so pretty but told me everyone malay was amazed at my eyes, guess they dont see blue/green/grey whatever colour they are eyes very much. Everyone looks indian or oriental over here in this muslim country.

It was amazing being in the jungle and meeting the ancestors of headhunters, and seeing the fruit they used as poison in their blowpipes.

I am also now looking more indian with this tan..

Wednesday, 27 February 2008


Laying in my room at night listening to the downpour on the palm trees smiling to myself thinking how amazing it is I am actually here on Borneo!

SO much to see and do I am here until Tuesday.. Have to see the rainforests and the orang utangs and maybe fit in white water rafting :)

Id dreamed of being on borneo but Im actually here!

Still snuffling, and coughing but dont care anymore...

Life hasnt turned out how I planned, but I´ll take it :)

Pic is view from my room.

Tuesday, 26 February 2008

Amazing Malaysia

Amazing thunderstorm last night, the rain just poured down and the lighting was crazy!

Anyway the rest of the pics from the photoshoot arrived, heres one.

So Im looking forward to going into the rainforests on borneo and meeting the orang utangs ( which appear to look like my ex...) and the head hunting tribes. Last day in K.L today and fly out early tomorrow morning to Borneo, am staying ín a place on the beach which looks nice.

Monday, 25 February 2008

Lazing in Malayasia

Have full blown snuffles now, but hopefully this is the antibiotics working! Other than that, been lazing by the pool and checking out K.L. The view I am looking at right now is the twin towers in K,L and it is night times and they are all lit up, its a lovely view. Reminds me of my favourite view of canary wharf at night in london.

So there are good points in being single. Am currently lounging naked in my hotel room munching on my delightful room service order of chicken sate (yes piet chicky stix ;))which was terribly cheap.

A lot of my friends appear to be jealous of my lifestyle, which is comedy because I am jealous of their having husbands and kiddies!

Next I go to Borneo, I plan to do some thinking here as well as see the rainforests and orang utangs, trying to figure out where and what I should do.

Meeting a lot of interesting people but still missing the ones I left behind.

Sunday, 24 February 2008

Hello Malaysia!

The night train was exciting, its like a hostel on wheels, was too embarassed to ask someone to take my photo (didnt want to end up talking all night) So no pics, just another one from the photoshoot. Did another photoshoot before I left, they are emailing me the pics next week, so will post them when I get them.

I have always wanted to take a night train and this one was surprisingly cosy and quick too, before I knew it we were in Kuala Lumpur! I have been warned about the safety of K.L but so far it seems fine and everyone is friendly. Its sunday today and I fully intend to make use of the pool. Antibiotics dont seem to be working and just seem to be getting sicker, but at least get some R and R here, as not too many sights to see.

I also have internet access in my hotel room hooray! Trying to plan where to go next.. Brunei`? Bali? Borneo? Or somewhere NOT beginning with a B... ;)

Friday, 22 February 2008

LAst call from Singapore

So pics from photoshoot came back- here's one.. :) Still loving singapore, I think I fit in well here- people are my sized and understand my culture and mixed cultures and the uk, and all the shops are uk and laws etc... maybe I will settle here.. not sure yet. K.L tomorrow! No more internet until I reach there on sunday, so see you then! x

More Singapore

Singapore really has it all, shopping, amazing empty beaches with white powdery sand and crystal waters, excellent food, culture. The prostitutes are even tame and pretty, and dressed rather tastefully I must say. I have seen more tartily dressed ladies in the office I used to work in, in DK.

I was worried about the area I am staying (red light) but I was here late last night booking my hotel in K.L at the internet cafe, and walking back to the hotel was fine, so many people around eating in the streets, I went to halal restaurant and ordered the best take away chicken biriyani. Crowds were watching the wresting in the street, lots of men mesmerised by a big screen. But it all had a nice and safe feeling to it. Only once did someone say to me "Hey you're gorgeous" In a rather comical Indian accent, which reminded me of when Piet and I used to mess around at work...:)

Picture is me on the beach on sentosa island. Singapore really does have it all!

I will be sorry to leave tomorrow. But it is exciting with the night train, I'm in K.L for 3 days and then have to decide what I will do from there, maybe Macau, or Indonesian Islands or Borneo or Bali, or maybe straight to the Phillipines...

Thursday, 21 February 2008


I am LOVING Singapura, got a offer to send my CV to contacts yesterday, and did a model stint as well (will post pics when they get sent to me) Singapore is similar to uk but without the crime, the congestion and with a lot more sunshine :))

Met up with Ben yesterday and went to the Long bar at Raffles and enjoyed the BEST singapore sling EVER. Not surprising really as this was where it was invented! (see pic)

Today Im off to santosa island. Got the brochial infectio back again so had to go see the doc again this morning.. coughing, lymphs up, sore throat etc etc so have some more antibiotics to take ( and yes Thomas I AM taking them ;)) the liquid form(cant take pills) taste better than the Danish ones and in fact remind me of my childhood.. :) Yes Singapore was a british colony and has kept much of its britishness.. like the anouncer on the MRT is the SAME as the one on the london underground.

Ben told me I am looking more together and confident, and I have to tell ya Im feeling it! Starting to enjoy travelling now, but still looking for somewhere to be.. and SIngapore may just be it...

Moving on on saturday, have the night train booked to Kuala Lumpur, which should be fun- never been on a sleeper train before, at at 15 quid it was the cheapest way to travel.

Right best get myself to the beach then I suppose... sigh ;)

Tuesday, 19 February 2008

In sunny singapore

Arrived! Staying in that hotel but internet doesnt work so its back to internet cafes. exploring the immediate area tonight (yes there are a LOT of prostitutes, but as yet it doesnt feel too unsafe...) Tomorrow is town with ben, and thursday I intend to hit the beach. Trying to find a flight out on friday probably to bali :) The weather here is great,but I lost another hour- that makes me 7 hours ahead of danish time now! catch up with you soon...

See you in Singapore

Had a fantastic last night in Bangkok last night/this morning. Hung out with Jackson at a petrol station turned into a restaurant (you have to see it really) and then played pool and listened to a band. I'm going to miss his company I think! Off to Singapore this morning, checking out in a minute and catching the 8am bus to the airport. Have tentatively book into the cheapest hotel I can find in singapore, which is in the red light district of geylang and apparently gets a lot of business from there (hourly rates...) But its only for a few days and singapore is so expensive I have little choice. Looking forward to seeing sentosa island, and singapore in general really:) Not looking forward to the flight- hate those take offs and landings- may go overland to malaysia when it comes to it... Anyway better get moving- see you in singapore!

Monday, 18 February 2008

Help for PMDD

I wrote to the professor Studd mentioned in the articles, maybe he can help me, and maybe this is what i need to do, get this PMDD sorted and be the person I know I am.

One man.

Woke up this morning with my heart beating fast. No more christian, no more clinging to unrealistic dreams. Just me. Part of me wants to come back to my life in denmark, but I know it will never be the same. I know one mustnt go backwards only forwards. I see all the pictures on facebook, not only of christian, but of danny, and the young people where I used to work having fun, and I know I will never be a part of that. I am different. Sleeping around doesnt fulfill me. I just want one man, and perhaps thats wrong, but I just want one man to love for life. I am fed up with men lying to me, I just want honesty, you know.

I also need to find what makes me happy. Jackson says I have been happy when Ive been hanging out with him, but Im not so sure. Yes I love listening to music sipping a ginger ale (Jackson didnt say anything about me not drinking at all!) And I like playing pool to loud music, I remember doing that when I was younger in Nottingham. But what I really want to do( I think) is bake cakes and have a family and love them. I still have a lot of love inside me. The thing is a lot of people dont let you care for them.

Thinking again about doing doctors without borders, laegerne uden graenser. Perhaps that will fulfill my caring needs and keep me occupied. But with this PMDD I am not sure how to work around it, and I am not sure how to cure it. Perhaps working for myself is an option bt I have no idea how to do that.

Maybe I just dont belong on this planet !

Sunday, 17 February 2008

Not love

Today I realised that Christian never loved me. I know that was obvious to some of you, and you tried to tell me, but you know how hearts and imaginations can be. I have to stop living in a past that was as dreamt up as the future was, and see things for how they really were, without the rose tinted glasses on. He never kept his promises, he kept me a secret and he was happy to get rid of me. Not signs of love. I have to stop seeing a future with him, because he doesnt see that. I have to move on. Whilst I hold on to him I will never find someone new, and I need someone new to make me smile, and trust in men again. Im not sure how Christian got under my skin, I dont usually fall for the self centred type, but I guess he is a salesman, and a good one.

Anyway enough about Christian. I dont need him, and Im pretty sure when I start to think about things the way they really were I dont want him.

I have felt loved by Thomas, by Kristian, so I know people can love me, even when they know the ´scary´ part of me. They didn´t run away-I did.

I have hope that I will find THE ONE, and that I will find a place to settle down where I can grow my apple trees and raise my children.

Just need to find someone who will do anything for me, and not just say they will do anything for me.

So in celebration of this revelation, I am deleting Christians numbers. So what if he has all my stuff, I havent needed it the past 4 months. Fuck it. Keeping him in my life isnt a positive thing, its only holding me back, and I really need to move forward now.
I am pretty sure now that I wont be coming back to denmark, I really havent had much luck there. Not sure where i will be, perhaps i will stay in asia. I will find out.

Saturday, 16 February 2008


Those of you who know me, or follow my blog may realise a pattern in the way I feel. I thought it was PMS, but looing into it it is actually PMDD ...

So I need to follow the advice although I think it is pretty severe, I do get very distressed some months. My bloody brain is fucked up, chemically speaking.

But right now I am no longer premenstrual so everything is fine again. But I know in two or three weeks I will probably get depressed if not crazy.

So I'm off to singapore on tuesday and after that probably Bali before meeting up with Jackson again in the phillipines (if the country is travelable)

I like it when my brain is calm and able to think clearly and make decisions like now. I can't handle it when it zooms off into space and makes me sad and angry and upset. And neither do the people around me, which makes me more upset.

I don't think another person can cope with the way I get, so thinking I will be alone a long time, will of course do my best to keep it under control but its so hard.

Friday, 15 February 2008

Wherever that is

When you email someone and ask them to reply, why don't they? I think it's hurtful and rude.

So anyway, had a nice night last night with Jackson, I even got a rose :) We played pool and ate ice cream, and drank cocktails, so for a valentines day it wasn't so bad.

Moving on on mon/tues. Off to singapore to meet up with Ben and to talk to the people about the bar idea. Still have to find tickets and stuff, but have some time. I really want to find a job again. I miss working a lot and I really liked my old job. I hate not having a job. I really want to feel stable and safe again. I want to have roots again.

I need to buld my world up again, just not quite sure how or where to do it yet. I want to be a better more lovable person, but Im not sure how to go about it apart from through religeon.

Jackson is an athiest and has a whole new perspective on things for me to consider which is interesting. His upbringing in bible bashing Tennessee obviously had an affect on him :)

I'm gathering new perspectives all the time but this leads me no closer to answers. I do hope it will come to me soon, because I really want to go home- wherever that is.

Thursday, 14 February 2008

Back in Bangkok

Been back in Bangkok the last few days, found a cheaper room on the khao san road for 600 baht a night, not quite so easy to be anonymous here. So many younger tourists and mostly westerners, but at the same time its loud and drunken, which as you know isnt quite me.

But met up with Jackson, an american I met on my halong bay trip, so at last have someone to see stuff with, which is really nice. )Picture is of us atop a temple). Seeing temples is great, but sharing the experience with someone is amazing. Jackson is great company too, he knows a lot of stuff and is very intelligent to have a conversation with (he lectures in international relations in australia and is currently touring asia as part of his studies).
So we have been enjoying the nightlife of the khao san area, people watching and discussing the world. Its incredibly warm and there are so many people around, but the atmosphere is still nice. Apart from the hawkers selling stuff mainly wooden frogs, everywhere one after another. "no thnak you I dont want a wooden frog" "no really I still dont want one" etc...
Trying to figure out what to do next, my visa in thailand runs out on the 20th so I have to leave the country (or get an extension). I was thinking of visiting a buddhist center on Penang- a malaysian island, but the next step isnt yet clear to me.
Valentines day today. Hate it. The hawkers were already out last night peddling I love you tacky teddies and red roses... Still at least I'm not alone, I get to hang out with Jackson and be cynical about the whole thing with him :)

Saturday, 9 February 2008

Rather not know

Pattaya, a different world. Women wearing next to nothing, attached to their fat balding white male counterparts... I have learned a lot about thai girls, and basically theyre in it for the money, and theyre happy about it. Thats fine but there are many bitter fat balding white guys here sitting alone cursing having ever gotten themselves involved. What do you expect?

Anyway Richard-the son of a buddhist nun has kindly been showing me around, although haven't seen much as I have still been really ill. it the bullet and went to the doctors this morning. I have raised white blood count, a fever and swollen lymph nodes. Do you wish to stay in hospital to find out if you have lymphoma madam, only 20.000 baht. No thank you, Id rather not know and carrying on thinking its a baterial infection, give me a shot of antibiotics my good lady and I will be on my way.

Thai hospitals are pretty well run though, and very smart too I must say! They took my bloods really well (most cant find my veins) and the results were back in 30mins. Speedy. Still with no one to support me, I would rather keep on travelling then be submitted to tests and radiation alone in a hospital. And anyway its bloody expensive, and probably a bacterial infection anyway. Will find out when I get back I guess...
The picture is me in hospital robes having a chest xray- chest clear, broncioles inflamed(see, bacteria I tells you!)
Although the other option would explain why I keep getting sick all the fricking time. Im ignoring all sickness from now on (if I can) Gotta get on with life and finding enlightenment.
Talked to the buddhist nun and she told me to look up in the sky and ask for what I want, and that if I just ask the universe will give. She said to imagine a light in my heart that grows and touches other people. And she said be kind to people and have kind thoughts. I dont have kind thoughts, I have angry thoughts but I am trying to put all that behind me now.
Regrets? I have a few. Dating and falling in love with my boss was a bad move (yes Thomas I know you TOLD me...) Quitting my job wasnt wise. Letting Mia get to me, not great. Treating the men who showed me love badly, terrible. Being suspicious and untrusting not good.
All this lead me to where I am now. Alone. If I were a guy would I find myself a thai girl? probably not, what I want is real. But now I have resigned myself to realising that it's too late. It's just too late.

Wednesday, 6 February 2008


Despite all the references to Pattaya being seedy and polluted, I actually quite like it. Came down here to follow my path, met a semi buddhist web guy, called Richard, who has a buddhist priest for a mother... He has some interesting stuff to teach me but I only have a week down here. I think I am on the right path here and I think my next step is to find a buddhist retreat.

I think this is at least a start on my path to happiness. I have to get rid of all the crap thoughts :)

Still cant shake this sickness though- been couging like crazy. Thought it was getting better too ! :(
Bangkok. A hardcore city with hardcore shopping and hardcore women. Surprisingly though the women arent as attractive as you'd think, and rather plumped up on all the fast food chains that you can find on every corner. Strabucks follows mcdonalds follows burgerking on every corner. The streets are heavy with the smell of incense and street foods and thick with people. The skytrain is cheap and easy to use but doesnt always go to precisely where you want, taxis are ok (when they dont rip you off) but get stuck in the traffic. The way I went is again motorcycle taxis, on most corner sidestreets you an find them donning their orange or pink waistcoats, waiting to make up a price out of thin air. But the near death experience and the feel of the cool breeze is worth it as you whizz past all those cars stuck still.

Bangkok is a city to get lost in, to become anonymous and lost in the crowd.

Laptop is dead so hopping between inetrnet cafes right now.

Saturday, 2 February 2008

The Thai's the limit

Why cant my body fight illness?? Jesus, spent the night (again) coughing and trying to breathe, this thing has taken my voice and at night it turns evil, been awake most of it coughing. Times like this I need to put my head on someones lap and have my hair stroked so I can fal asleep feeling safe.

Why can't my heart fight heartbreak?? Very vulnerable right now, missing the things that could have been. I'm not usually like this with men, I'm usually the one to break off. SO maybe I am leaning something about how to tread carefully with others hearts.

Why isn't my life normal?? SOrry to hear about your hellish 48 hours Bob! But why oh why cant I have that white picket fence, with dogs and children and apple trees? It's killing me living my life. People like my old "boss" Mia, has it all and whines about it. People look at my life and think themselves lucky. Maybe I am here to make others feel happy about their lives. Christian says I am negative, that I should look at things in a different way, but oh my god thats hard when it all really sucks!

Still, heading down to Pattaya as soon as I feel better, meeting someone from the interwebs who has promised to show me around, so at last real company (no offence)

The fortune teller in Vietnam said I did something bad in my past life and I am paying for it in this one, well it kind of explains it doesnt it...? maybe I should look for more answers and a cure to this..?