Tuesday, 28 October 2008

Under the duvet

Sucked it up and did ok today... 3 days to go.. tomorrow Im at CAMHS and giving a teaching session on adolescent suicide and self harm risk assessment.. which would be fine if i could only stop sneezing... got sent home early (yay!) for being sneezy... the colds got worse, coughig and sneezing everywhere!

Have a job interview at an adolescent unit when i get back to australia, I wonder how different that will be from UK...

thousands of more bills flooded in today, I cant pay any of them.. wonderin whether I can hide from them, perhaps under the duvet...

Monday, 27 October 2008

Shut up

This low tolereance of stress isnt really working out for me. I forgot how hard it was to get through nurse training keeping my mouth shut about bad practice and cruelty, but thats just what i have to do. Like my old tutor used to say- you cant do anything now, but when you train and manage a place like this then you can make a difference but you cant do that if you dont pass. And if you know me at all keeping my mouth shut is not something I find easy, especially where there is unfairness. Im the type of person that stands up to the bully on behalf of bullied. Standing by and watching people treated this way cuts me deep. I feel their pain, their suffering, and I dont know if I have the strength or support to deal with that right now. I have to suck up to the bullies in order to pass this placement, and it goes against all my principles but im going to have to suck it up and be pleasant... thats one think I suck at, when something is wrong I say it is.. gotta get thru this week and shut up.

Saturday, 25 October 2008


Mister- you are possibly right...

SO I reckon Im low on vitamin b12:

"Individuals with stomach and small intestinal disorders may be unable to absorb enough vitamin B12 from food to maintain healthy body stores. Intestinal disorders that may result in malabsorption of vitamin B12 include:Sprue, often referred to as Celiac Disease (CD), is a genetic disorder. People with CD are intolerant to a protein called gluten. In CD, gluten can trigger damage to the small intestines, where most nutrient absorption occurs. People with CD often experience nutrient malabsorption. They need to follow a gluten free diet to avoid malabsorption and other symptoms of CD. Crohn's Disease is an inflammatory bowel disease that affects the small intestines. People with Crohn's disease often experience diarrhea and nutrient malabsorption. "

Vitamin B-12 deficiency can potentially cause severe and irreversible damage, especially to the brain and nervous system. At levels only slightly lower than normal, a range of symptoms such as fatigue, depression, and poor memory may be experienced.[20] However, these symptoms by themselves are too nonspecific to diagnose deficiency of the vitamin.
Vitamin B-12 deficiency can also cause symptoms of mania and psychosis."

Symptoms of B-12 deficiency and B-12-related anemia include:
Feeling tired or weak
Pale appearance to the lining of lower eyelids
Palpitations, fast or irregular heart beat.
Faintness and breathlessness.
Hair loss
Bruising that occurs without reason
Long or unusually heavy menstrual periods

SO this can explain.. my mood swings..my palpitations, my bruising, dizziness, bad menstrual periods, PMDD, tiredness...!! All I need is injections, patches or nasal spray of vitamin b12.. lets see if this works... I could be a better person for this.... worrying is also a symptom..imagine me, without the mood swings, worry, PMDD and tiredness...!!!!


Im seeing signs of god in my life so either im religeous or mad or both.

The minister appeared on the ward and chatted to me.
Yesterday I walked a different route to work, and past a church... St lukes.
At work my patient of the day, talked to me about his strengths and beliefs in god.

Im being tested? tried`? Job like?

Im sick now as well, I have a chest infection again, and coughing. Can I really get thru this week coughing?

I feel the need to ask someone what should I do??? Do I need a priest? A psychic? A psychiatrist?

Thursday, 23 October 2008

Why me?

My father hates me, my heart is broken, Im alone is a country that sucks working on a mental health ward where the staff are crazier than the clients. I have no one to turn to, and the one person I had i drove away. There is something wrong with me.

Why cant I have a normal life? Why is there always stress and hassle?

I need a guardian angel to scoop down pick me up and cradle me so I can cry as much as I want and still be protected.

Im cryin constantly, I am tired and stressed, I cant eat or sleep. one more day on the wards then a long weekend... which I intend to spend in bed all by myself- seeing as i know no one here and am tired as hell.

Just gotta get thru this week... and this year..

have a job interview in Aus when I get back so thats positive....

it feels like Im constantly fighting and I dont want to, I just want a peaceful life, with a dog , a man and contentness.

Im 32 and I feel so old, not sure how much longer can cope with this world.

Whenever I travel to english nations or their colonies I am always disappointed. Maybe I should return to asia- corrupt as the government are the people are solid.


I am so depressed. being back on teh ward with crazy psych nurses upsets me, the way they treat people upsets me, not being able to get wheer I want upsets me, I am so tired and vulnerable, so i try and reach out for help..to the wrong people. And I tell the people that do care about me stuff I should probably keep to myself.

Wondering if I have a point to being on this planet... would prob try and commit suicide except i know the only psych ward in the area and its not worth the risk of surviving.


Wednesday, 22 October 2008

Where do I belong`?

Perhaps I am destined to be a nomad- travelling the world forever. I have jobs in NZ and AU but am missing visas and lots and lots of paperwork. In Australia I will have to leave the country to apply so I will be travelling again. Should I go back to denmark? My apartment is rented out to december and then it will be empty.. my things are in storage with the completely useless moving company møblerdansk (NEVER use them) So I have with me a suitcase and a laptop- the laptop being more important... not sure I would mind too much if I mislaid my suitcase but now my laptop is my life again. So... in denmark I have Marianne, Mie..and I didnt see much of them when I was there. In Australia I have Luke and his amazing family who are so kind and wonderful to me. In Nz I have..a job offer.. In Uk I have a messed up family that I hardly speak to. SO... Australia looks like a good option... if they let me in. I dont deserve Luke. He is so wonderful to me, the perfect guy, and yet I am no good for him, older, cynical, heartbroken... what does the guy see in me??!! Do you think I will ever be able to settle down, have the child that I wanted for so long and lost, be able to enjoy my life? For the past year I have just been wanderinig around the world waiting for someone to say you belong here. But all people say is- its up to you. I am beginning to wonder if I really belong anywhere in this world, whether I deserve to be anywhere in this world.... I think Im depressed.

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

jeg kommer fra Danmark

Getting used to the ward, trying to fit into th eteam and doing ok at it, which is annoying I will have to leave in a week and a half. There is so much paperwork to do for Australia that I am actually considering going "home" to Denmark. I do miss Denmark a bit at the moment. I miss speaking Danish and Im in the Danish mindset with danish humour right now. But its hot it Aus right now 35 degrees today so quite lookin forward to getting back there is I can, and already having conversations about nursing jobs there (not that I want to do it...) I gave my first IM injection in 5 years today- it seemed to go ok, and thats probably the most dangerous (to the patient) part of my job.

Went out tonight with Lara and her friend heather, to a maori night- so touristy but kinda fun.

trying to figure out what it all means. Signs are bein thrown at me left right and centre: Skin cancer, Perth, Denmark.... bt what should I do??

Back on the wards in 8 hours....!

Saturday, 18 October 2008


Something is happening to me and I dont know what or why.
  • I lost my phone (for a reason)
  • At the cinema there were danes queing behind us- had a chat with them in danish
  • I am in a cold rainy country
  • all the values i thought i had, i dont.
  • im not sure wheer i belong

I am so confused!!!

Wednesday, 15 October 2008

Sweet as

So handed in my assignment this morning but it was pretty crappy, left it at home accidently and James had to drive me back to get it! James is my new best friend and guardian angel it would seem, hes a neonatal nurse from the phillipines and we are on the same wavelength.

Went back to the wards this afternoon and took patients to the redwwod forests, so got to see the forests and get to knw patients at the same time... sweet as (as they say over here);)

I was told today that I am mow much more radiant.. I guess I change a LOT pre menstrually huh? One of my patients called me an angel today.. although she is schizophrenic and slightly deluded... but I reckon theyd say that if they met Jesus today huh?

Its Laras birthday tomorrow. I met Lara on the first day here, shes a 39 year old medical student and also on my wavelength so weve been doing touristy thins together. I thought she was crazy at first but shes actually very nice... her choice of a night out is the live music at the irish bar... so that should be interesting!

My phone is gone forever, which is very annoying but perhaps meant to be...

Men har emailed lidt med exen og har været meget ærligt med ham, hvilken var godt for mig og man kan ik gør med smser. Han siger han nu har en ny kæreste, og ja det gik en smul ondt men jeg var bare glad for han var glad. Jeg skal bare kom videre og prøve og giv mit hjerte til en hvem tjener det... Luke.

Having huge problems with bills and handling my apartment in DK but thankfully Marianne has come to the rescue again! One day I will pay my Danish family back! Marianne is the best, she has really supported me and been there for me, and I love her to bits.

Its been good to be independant again, I feel stronger and happier now and getting a career back that I am good act has given me more confidence too. Maybe I will survive after all... :)

Tuesday, 14 October 2008

On the Wards!

My period started this morning! My whole affect changed overnight, actually it changed yesterday mis lecture.... weird. I was crying all morning and in the afternoon I felt like I was doped up..no concentration almost sleeping and then in the afteroon happy and skippy... hormones! I couldnt hide it at all..people kept asking if I was ok..and I wasnt!

Just in time though because I had to go on the wards this afternoon! After the big scary build up by the stupid misinformed tutor I had a great afternoon singing and dancing with patients... ahhh I miss mental health :) I learned a lot from them already, and looking forward to going back tomorrow! 2.5 weeks to go! I just finished my assignment so if the stupid tutor can read it then sould be reasonably ok...

The wards here are very different to back home(UK) though... actually its NICER!

Mourning the loss of my phone, but have decided its a good thing!

Also have my apartment rented out for a month next month so that shouls help with finances for a bit longer...

Monday, 13 October 2008

Mit hjerte banker stadig..

English coming up in a bit...

I dag skriver jeg lidt på dansk. Første jeg ville ikke glemmer mit dansk og for de anden, jeg ved Luke en gang i mellem læser her, og selvom han ved hvordån jeg har det med min ex kæreste, jeg ville ikke har at det gør øndt for ham.

Mit hjerte banker stadig for ham. Det gør det bare. Jeg elsker ham stadig og jeg ved det lyder sindsyg, og jeg prøver at glemmer ham, det kan jeg ikke. Jeg så en serier at hedder "Hus" og det minder mig helt om ham, og jeg savnede ham!

Jeg savne Luke men ikke så meget. Er jeg dårlig? Luke elsker mig rigtigt høj og jeg elsker ham, men tror ik jeg er forelsket i ham...

Anyway.. its rained the whole week and been so cold, I do NOT like new zealand at all. I want to get back to australia (home?) as quick as possible. I find myself missing Denmark a lot too, but the cold I do not miss.

Im so stressed out trying to pass these exams, and although my dad offered to help pay my course - he gave them the wrong credit card number (on purpose?) so thats been stressfull too! So I havent managed to enrol properly yet and so dont have an ID card and therefore cannot use the library/internet AND my computer broke down so this week has been a big stress.

But Luke as usual has been them supporting me, and without him I would have nothing.

I also lost my mobile phone today.. måske det er et tegn at jeg skal hold op med a sms exen.. nu har j ikke hans nummer....

To recap

  • exams on subects I have only just learned: cathetherisation, IV, injections etc

  • lost phone

  • laptop broke (now fixed)

  • non payment of fees so ...

  • no use of library etc

  • PMS

  • bills still coming from apartment in DK- cant pay them

  • asssignment due on wednesday

  • stress

Saturday, 4 October 2008

New Zealand

Well... what can I say. Warned by the taxi driver from the airport, I wanst expecting anything pretty but it is pretty.. dire. The room is full of dead things, and the pillows are in a disgusting condition, nothing is clean.. but lets hope its because its the weekend... The Filipina house mother..Nancy seems very friendly, but so did the back stabbing filipinas I met in the phillipines... Anyway I suppose I cant complain at 150 NZD a week and Im only here four weeks so will grin and bear it. It is noisy here though, and the other students seem a very strange bunch... on another plus, I have an internet connection in my room and as they are not full (wonder why) I have a shared room to myself- thank god for that!

So far New Zealand is cold and wet, and by the weather forcast it looks to stay that way. Just gotta get through these 4 weeks....!

All the shops are closed so not sure where I will get food from today. Arrived at 11am New Zealand time after travelling from 5pm Australian time, so missed a nights sleep. But slept form about 2.6 and then 7 to about 10am! Trying to pluck up the courage to walk through the corridors to the communal (and very dirty) showers.

Will go and explore in the rain today. I have a very sore eye this morning- looks like I have an infection- no doubt from the pillow...

Will plan some site seeing for next weekend I think, although this weather makes you want to stay in your bedroom (however freezing cold and manky it is!)


Its so weird that the people you meet seem to be sent as signs.. on the aeroplane I met Mike. Mike is a gentleman in his late 60s who moved to Perth 40 years ago from London and hasnt regretted it since. He is also a vegatarian and almost vegan and feels healthier for it. And Mike had a melanoma, which underlines the importance of checking those moles.

My first impression of new zealand is that its quiet. People speak like the aussies only with pinched vowels, they are friendly and seem effecient.They also seem to be so unfashionable that its all back in fashion again.. but the aussies were like that too. Thats all Ive got...Im am currently sitting at Auckland Airport Domestic terminal waiting for my flight to Rotorua, where Mike and his golfing buddy are also heading (They offered me a rid ebut my luggage is all checked in :() So I possibly may meet up with the old gents again sometime.I have had no sleep and am trying to stay awake so I dont miss my flight.

Thursday, 2 October 2008

Off to new Zealand

So tomorrow I leave for NZ. Im so terrified. Uprooting again, but Im desperate to find work again and pay all the bills that seem to now be flooding in and this seems the only way I can do it.

I dont like the person I am now at all. I want to find that confident relaxed person I became when I was travelling round the world last year. I hope I find her. No one can live with this one- not even me...

PMSing again on top of all the upheaval. Just gotta get thru this (I keep saying that dont I!?)