Tuesday, 23 September 2008

2nd class citizen

Im feeling so bad about this one Im laying awake thinking about it, so thought I had better blog it..

Dan. The guy who out of the goodness of his heart lets me stay in his spare room until I can get myself sorted, who I owe a lot too and he owes me nothing.

Why then do I feel so hurt?

Like today for instance, his friend comes over. I have spent the day cleaning the house and ironing his shirts, doing what I can to try and repay the fact that I am staying in his home. I mean I do offer money for bills and stuff but he doesnt accept it. I dont get thanked but then I dont expect it; its the least I can do.

I am very confused as to our realtionship as I thought we were friends, but he doesnt seem to want to hang out with me or anything.

Anyway today he had his friend around, and we are all sitting on the sofa, and he offers to make his friend dinner. Not that I would have accepted but I was ignored. I made a bowl of soup. So they are sitting around eating their dinner, and offer the dog a chip but not me!! That makes me feel crap.

Im not even offered a cup of tea ( not that I would accept)

I feel liek a second class citizen. I mean I am not a sponger by any means, I buy all my own stuff.. Dan said he wanted cheesecake so when we popped to the shops later I bought one, but didnt even get a thank you.

I feel like I am doing my best but I cant make Dan happy. He always comes home upset about something but nothing I do or say makes him feel better.

I think maybe he doesnt want me around, so I ask him, maybe I should move out when Im back from NZ, but he says no.

I even wrote him an email trying to expain how I felt, but he ignored it.

I hate being places I am not wanted, it gets me down.
So my back still hurts.. went to chiropractor and the picture on the left is the results. Damn back is costing more money I havent got! Thank god for creditcards! Had lots of blood tests and vaccinations for nursing, so almost ready to go to NZ.. Have found a gluten free bakery in rotorua so should be all set!

spring has sprung here at 24 C today but it strangeley feels cold! I am finding it so strange to say its spring when it should be autumn, and summer when it should be winter.. very strange indeed!

But the trees are bearing blossoms and all the usual spring things are happening now...

Friday, 19 September 2008

Time Flies

Its very strange to think that this time last year I was settled; job flat cats and no thoughts of travelling. If you had told me then I would have been in AUstralia in a year I would have laughed at you!

But here I am, licking wounds and trying to build a new life. But time is still flying-the other day I was working on a newsletter for Dans football team and suddenly it went from being 10am to 5pm!! I missed breakfast AND lunch. Think Im a bit manic at the moment, but I like it- nat least I get stuff done!

So off to the chiropractor today, and hopefully he can sort my bad neck and back out..

Also have to go and having all the nursing vaccinations; hep a,b,c chickenpox, tb, MMR... etc etc think i may have a sore arm after that!

Had the worst migraine yesterday -it took 2g paracetomal to get rid of too! Lucky it did as it was dinner with Lukes folks, as it was his lovely step dads birthday, and Lukes house is full of yelling, barking and mayhem :) I like Lukes stepdad, hes such a lovely, helpful, jolly guy. If I could choose a dad, I think I would choose one like that...

Tuesday, 16 September 2008

New Zealand Excitement

Ok so its official, my flights are booked. I leave Australia on October 2nd and arrive the next day in Auckland, where I take another flight to Rotorua. Its going to be hard work and quite a gruelling 4 weeks I think but I have made sure I have 4 days at the end to travel and see a bit of New Zealand.

I do like travelling, and I am very excited about seeing a new country and exploring the culture, and maybe getting some exercise, kayaking and horseriding (if finances can stretch that far!)

So I am staying in the student accomodation, and its by an old volcanic lake with lots of volcanic pools and things around- its supposed to be quite beautiful.

So yes the fear is here but so is the excitement so Im planning the travelling bit to help calm me down.

Feeling really strange right now, head is all over the place. Wonder if its the full moon (Im very sensitive to ionic changes and the like) as everyone around me seems to be feeling rough too, or whether its the stress bringing on the old bipolar.

My neck is hurting A LOT so it may be the stress... cant sleep properly either.. arrghh.

Needing some positivity here as drowning in the negativity!!
Pic is from the under water observatory last weekend

Saturday, 13 September 2008

Where Angels fear tread..

Went down south last weekend, got over the cold and the pms and had a great weekend at wineries and choccy factories :)

Two weeks until I go to New Zealand- got a place on the nursing update course so in 4 weeks will have a current practice cert and can work as a nurse!! Im getting desperate for money now, apartment still not selling so really need to find a job asap. Only thing is the course and flights cost $$$$ so out come the credit cards...dangerous ground.

Everytime I speak to Christian I feel crap, all he seems to miss is the sex, not me. Why am I so drawn to him?? Damn my heart.

Luke is so much more, and yet however much he loves me isnt enough. I am a broken person.

I cant wait to be settled and feel whole and human again, I feel so much in limbo its making me wobbly and nervous.

Last week I spent a couple of days at Lukes parents home, his family are so lovely and kind to me it makes me feel lonely not to have a family. I know it doesnt make sense but Id rather not spend time with them then bring out feelings like that.

Maybe when Im less in limbo I can deal with my feelings better.

So nz..Im sharing a dorm which will be weird, I have two weeks theory and two weeks practice... I hope I can pass the exams and start to find a life for myself again!!

Monday, 1 September 2008


I have a cold. Not only that the housing market in denmark has completely crashed. I have no money, no job and Im sick. Can it get worse? If only I had sold when I wanted.. I knew in my gut it was the right thing to do but listened to christian instead. Argh.

Actually it can get worse.. now the tax man is banging at my door demanding huge amounts of money. How the hell did I get into this mess.. I was doing alright.. until I met HIM.

Yeah I know I cant blame it all on him but I wasted so much time and money on him and got nothing back. I suppose thats "love" for you.

Whos there for me now Im in this mess? Who???