Sunday, 15 March 2009

Im a loser baby...

Im never happy. I have no exciting conversations, Im not particularly interesting, Im not funny, and I dont really like being around people, becuase I am scared and ashamed to be around them. Im just not good enough.

I dont have children, I dont have anything of any realy value, I dont have a family...

So when put against Lukes sister, who is confident, well dressed,beautiful, outgoing, the life and soul of the party I feel inadequate. And her weedy, yet strangely full of himself boyfriend really annoys me.

DOnt get me wrong, I love his sister , everyone loves his sister, shes a lovely person. But I am extremely jealous that she can be who she wans and get what she wants and acts perfectly all the time, whereas I am a constant misery and no fun to be around at all.

Im not nice to live with, my mood changes a lot and I cry a lot. I get upset because Luke doesnt do little things to show he cars, like remember valentines or buy me flowers or anything.

And maybe I overcompensate by buying him things all the time, because although I love him I know deep down that Im not totally in love with him.

SOmetimes I feel I just want my life to stop, I cant go on being me anymore, and its just too hard to change.


Tuesday, 10 March 2009

Work blues

Im not sure I like being back in nursing. All these women trying to prove themselves, its crazy. It makes for a instable environment both to work and for the kids. The kids are ok, managable. Like I say its just the staff that make it all so difficult. I feel the difference when on shift with different people. And thats the other thing: shift work is killing me.

Been thinking back to denmark and making it rosey in my mind, but it wasnt I know. I have a better life here, more sunshine, people who care. I just need to find my way out of this job and into one that suits me better.

I do miss Denmark, the danes in general. Yes there were weird bitches like Mia, but in general people were less anxious and more down to earth. People here are a lot less stuffy though.

Still hot here, 32 C today.

My apartment in copenhagen is about to be sold... ridiculously under the asking price, but in this climate what can you do?! At least its sold, and im ready to start over with no ties in dk at all.

The hospital is organising a group sponsored permanent residency. I am not sure what this will mean but sounds very positive, will find out more tomorrow.

I wonder if I will ever be happy. Im not sure everything is totally right right now. Living with Luke feels like having a flatmate right now. We only have a small bed, and he is restless, so hes sleeping in another bedroom. Reminds a bit of my ex husband shortly before we divorced. But hes doing it for me so I can get sleep for my shifts on early starts. Still feels weird though.