Sunday, 15 March 2009

Im a loser baby...

Im never happy. I have no exciting conversations, Im not particularly interesting, Im not funny, and I dont really like being around people, becuase I am scared and ashamed to be around them. Im just not good enough.

I dont have children, I dont have anything of any realy value, I dont have a family...

So when put against Lukes sister, who is confident, well dressed,beautiful, outgoing, the life and soul of the party I feel inadequate. And her weedy, yet strangely full of himself boyfriend really annoys me.

DOnt get me wrong, I love his sister , everyone loves his sister, shes a lovely person. But I am extremely jealous that she can be who she wans and get what she wants and acts perfectly all the time, whereas I am a constant misery and no fun to be around at all.

Im not nice to live with, my mood changes a lot and I cry a lot. I get upset because Luke doesnt do little things to show he cars, like remember valentines or buy me flowers or anything.

And maybe I overcompensate by buying him things all the time, because although I love him I know deep down that Im not totally in love with him.

SOmetimes I feel I just want my life to stop, I cant go on being me anymore, and its just too hard to change.



Harrier said...

People like others for their personality, you don't have to be any of those things to be liked or cared for, but I'm sure you are a few of those you mentioned.

OK, so you do not have any children yet, lots of people have them late on in life, no problem there. You have something of great value, YOU, your life, your memories, and those around you that care about you. Value is a very loose term, a ring has value, food has value, a car, house, any possessions, but true value comes in things that you can't always see or hold. Family, I can't comment on as I do not know you well enough.

Luke's sister may be all of those things in her own way, and I'm sure that in your own way you are too, maybe not as much but to a degree you can be if you want to be.

You need to stop putting yourself down, ok, so you cry a lot, you have mood swings, you get upset easily, but you're you, and people who care about you should accept you as you are. As for flowers and special occasions, personally I would give you all sorts, but some people do not understand how other people would like to be treated or appreciated. That is just the way some people are I'm afraid.

Love, in love, it is good to know someone knows the difference. Some people assume they are both the same thing but some of us know different. Sometimes I feel I want my life to stop, well truthfully, most probably 95% of the time, but I make what I can of it. Don't make others happy, can't make me happy, maybe we would make a perfect couple lol. But life goes on, things get better, some things get worse, but life is full of ups & downs, and what make it better is having lovely people like yourself to talk with.

I will stop here as I have to go sort some things out but look forward to your next update on here.

Take care of yourself sweetheart,


Anonymous said...

Savner da at høre fra dig.. ;-(