I hate my life and even more I hate myself. Talked to Luke yesteday about how Im feeling about the relationship, and of course he was very upset. I do care about him, but not in love and I dont think thats fair on either of us. I mean I tried to weigh up whats important, love or longevity, and I chose the latter but I feel like a fraud. Luke is such a good man, and he looks after me, and hes what I need. But not who or what I want. That guy was bad for me and I left him behind in DK.And I miss him. How after over a year- possibly nearer two.. can I not get this guy out of my head and heart? And then theres the other guy wiling to give me what I want, whos here and now and has eveything in place and responsible, but Im not in a position to date him, and even if I was would I even like him? Why was...I so in love with C and I havent even seen him in years and he hurt me so much and Im a totally different person now anyway.
I miss Denmark a lot. Denmark was the best place to bring up children. Not here. I so very much want to have children though, and I think thats the one thing Luke cant give me..
I hate my job, I really dont want to be there, and Im not as still off with my hurt arm. I loved my job at DanaWeb. Not everyday and not when it was stressful and not being picked on by Mia. But I loved making designs and the people. I miss Mie a lot, I miss people that understand me and are not bitchy. Danish girls are generally not bitchy, well Mie wasnt.
Luke says I should go back to Dk for a trip and see how I feel. But you cant go backwards can you? Only forwards. Luke is an amazing gu. He deserves much better than me.
I miss DK I miss more who I was in DK. I was strong and beautiful, and confident. Here I am weak and ugly.
Im so confused. Im always confused. I need someone strong to hold me down and tell me this is how its gonna be. I need someone to be in control. I feel like Im totally out of control. My life is not going the way I want it to be.
Still havent seen any money from my flat, so cant pay any of my debts off. Despite angry emails everywhere no one cares. The money seems to have just disappeared. I miss my lovely apartment, my lovely cats, my lovely beach. I think I was very lonely but whats worse?
I dont understand anything.