Sunday, 28 June 2009

Thru the darkness

Have has a very dark month or so.. sooo downa nd not able to come out of it, physically so weak, mentally emotionally weak. Have been trying to keep up on cocacola and chocolate.

Have finally managed to shake Christian from my thoughts. But things with Luke came to a head when I was kissed by other guy. Thinking about it though, this guys lures of wanting children and a life with me may be along the same lines of the stuff I fell for with Danny. Just trying to get me into bed, and while I am initially attracted I dont even know if I like this guy.

Luke is so good and kind, and of course I had to tell him about this. Im not sure what to do. If I stay with Luke my chance of a family will be pretty much gone.

I went to a womens expo on friday and there were lots of fertility clinics there saying after 35 youre pretty much fucked in terms of having children naturally.

Physically Im a mess, my neck back, soul is out of alightment. I also saw a clairvoyant psychic who said I have the gift and should develop it, she said a lot of other stuff about new job new home but Im not sure whether to believe it or she was saying what she knew I wanted to hear. Considering attending a christian spirtualist church. All I know is I need to make myself strong again.

Everything is a mess, and life almost got too unbearable for me, but managed to snap back up a little bit.

The diet, the people here, are just not good for my body or soul. Im too senstive. I need to find a way to get my body and mind feeling positive without caffeine, chocolate, men.

The unit I am working on is too dangerous, they are even thinking of closing it down.

I really really want to take up and just travel again. Run away I guess...

1 comment:

Steve said...


I really wish that I lived over there, I would be there for you as a friend along with all the support I could offer, but I'm stuck in the UK in a dead end job myself, married with kids, so not getting up and traveling for me. Wish I had the guts to do what you have done when I was young, but thats another story.

Clairvoyants are interesting, personally I think they tell you what "you want to hear", however, I know a friend that swears by them, she has done so much for herself after seeing one, and her life has improved 10 fold. She still goes occasionally and is always pleased with what is said. Maybe it isn't true what is said but if it helps the person advance in life to their joy then in my eyes that is good.

I don't like to say it but Luke doesn't seem like what you would like in a man to be with for the rest of your life, and it isn't always good to settle for a low option unless you decide that you do not want anything you say you do. But do be careful as there are a lot of men out there that have one thing on their mind, and it isn't settling down with one beautiful lady for the rest of it. If I was single I would love to have you for the rest of mine as you seem to be and have what I would like in a woman. But hey, I'm sure you will make a great wife & mother, and I want an invite to the wedding too :D

As for work, you really need to find a job where you are happy with it and with the people that you are working with. With your skill set I am sure that you can do much better, it's not just money, it's your happiness as well.

Gotta go now as work beckons

Take good care of yourself sweetheart

Steve x x x