New start

Ok a lot's happened in the past month. I left Luke so single again, I moved out and have my own house and I bought a puppy. I held this puppy and I cried- I did try others but this one is like a baby, and now I feel fulfilled in my maternal needs. Picture of my puppy Kasper to the left..

Men: lots of those around, Craigs still around, and theres Ben who I love spending time with in everyway but dont want to fall for him, hes not my "type" and he doesnt want more children (has a 10 year old girl). And then theres Amit a crazy psychiatrist. I dont want to be emotionally involved just yet, enjoying being single again for a moment.

Feeling bad about Luke, and I still love him, hes an amazing guy and his family are still so kind to me even though we split.

Onwards...

Work life balance

Back to work tomorrow... Scared even though managed to turn things around a little at work and become a huge instrument of change on the childrens unit-both by becoming a health and safety rep and making changes that way, and also by being seconded to a seclusion and restraint reduction project and producing a report entitled" In the pursuit of compassionate care- a literature review of multi-sensory approaches to reduce seclusion and restraint and promote mental health on child and adolescent mental health units" I have also been asked to do the annual report on the unit.

Its amazing watching my suggestions being used and becoming a reality. The programme seemed to have been an idea from one person which turned into a cult- not based on any evidence based research at all! So unbelievable and cruel how these children are dealt with - and by employing unskilled workers and indoctrinating them into the ways of "the programme" the cult begins and everyone does what they are told- except of course me- who was taught by her lecturer to question why she does everything and if she doesnt know or its because its always done its probably wrong :)I have a new job in a private hospital for adults. I am not sure whether to take it or whether I can stay in my desk job and make changes from the outside (which seems the only way to do it whilst keeping your sanity!)Back to work on tomorrow and find out whats what....

Also feel like Im living lots of different lives. I have one with Luke. One kind of with Craig, and yet somehow my heart always manages to jump when I hear from Christian. WHO AM I??

I need to decide who or what I want but am so scared of making yet another stupid decision Im paralysed to do anything.

If I stick with Luke I will always be older and wiser and this will always affect me but can we make it through anyway and have a family? If I leave Luke for Craig, do I even like Craig and can I keep him long enough to have a family with him. Why do I even still dream of a family with Christian, who just seems to drink-sms me.

Missing Mie and Marrianne a lot right now, miss having my good female friends, Have made a female friend at work Jenn whos Canadian and we chat mostly about how in love she is. I miss being in Love. I have nothing to write poetry about anymore...

Picture is me on some rocks in Broome, Western Australia last wednesday.

Disappointment

Just been on a 2 week jaunt around western australian outback with Luke and a friend. As much as I said i would try I don't think I can be with Luke. I just don't have time to wait around to see if it works out. Next March Im 34, I want to have a baby, it's getting very late. Why didnt I make it work with those people I left behind in Denmark? Why did I treat them appallingly to be someone who treated me appallingly? To be with Craig would mean yet another compromise. I want to be with someone I love and respect but it seems I am no longer capable of either of these things! Everyone I meet disappoints me. This probably says more about me than them...

Someone like me

It takes a lot to love someone like me. Therefore a hat must be taken off to a man that actually tries and stays at it. Luke is a rock, and I should be greateful and further more happy that he actually wants to love me. I have therfore stopped entertaining the idea of another man and started focusing my energy on luke. He may not be perfect but he loves me and that should be enough. Men come and men go, but luke has thus far proved his longevity. If I havent learned anything by all this blogging I should remember the guys that just want to use me dont stay around long. Love is different things to different people.

Love me or leave me but let me be lonely

90 mill.. hahaha if only..

Interview went great thanks GOT THE JOB... just need to sort out paper work.

Further bullying =by email but apparently its ok..say the management.

I am SO out of there. Also asked (along with 4 others) to move wards.

Think I may kick up a storm before I go though.

Now Im having trouble. Luke, wonderful, caring charming Luke has competition. The only thing apart from success this guy has going for him and of course being nearer my age is the pheromones. What do I do? Do I do anything? Is it just a crush. Luke is so obviously the best choice in this case, but if Im attracted to other people thats serious isnt it? I should leave shouldnt I?

Photo from a night out 2 weeks ago.

Light at the end of the tunnel

Ok feeling more positive at last! The psychic helped in the self fulfilling prophecy kind of way. Sent my CV out and now have an interview on MONDAY at a private psychiatry clinic, which looks pretty nice.

Also anaged to stand up (a bit) for myself against those bullying bitches at work. One such "lady" shoved her way past me, in the office, despite there being ladders around. I just stood still, and said "excuse me!" she yelled out "well you were in my path" and instead of biting it I say "well it was the wrong path" and leave. When I get back she yells at me "have you got a problem?" I say calmly "no, have you?" and she starts ranting about my attitude, so I counter with her attitude and it was silly pushing past me and ladders in the office, to which she yells "its not your office!" So I just tell her shes been ridiculous and walk out.

There is a lot of stress and animosity at the moment on the unit, everyone is breaking down and attacking each other. There are no clear guidelines so everyone thinks theyre right. Its a mess.
ANd its dangerous. Theyve closed off 4 beds but still, it goes against all my morals and teaching to treat children the way they do there.

Tonight is the 90 million dollar lottery.. so far positive thinking is working for me..;)

Thru the darkness

Have has a very dark month or so.. sooo downa nd not able to come out of it, physically so weak, mentally emotionally weak. Have been trying to keep up on cocacola and chocolate.

Have finally managed to shake Christian from my thoughts. But things with Luke came to a head when I was kissed by other guy. Thinking about it though, this guys lures of wanting children and a life with me may be along the same lines of the stuff I fell for with Danny. Just trying to get me into bed, and while I am initially attracted I dont even know if I like this guy.

Luke is so good and kind, and of course I had to tell him about this. Im not sure what to do. If I stay with Luke my chance of a family will be pretty much gone.

I went to a womens expo on friday and there were lots of fertility clinics there saying after 35 youre pretty much fucked in terms of having children naturally.

Physically Im a mess, my neck back, soul is out of alightment. I also saw a clairvoyant psychic who said I have the gift and should develop it, she said a lot of other stuff about new job new home but Im not sure whether to believe it or she was saying what she knew I wanted to hear. Considering attending a christian spirtualist church. All I know is I need to make myself strong again.

Everything is a mess, and life almost got too unbearable for me, but managed to snap back up a little bit.

The diet, the people here, are just not good for my body or soul. Im too senstive. I need to find a way to get my body and mind feeling positive without caffeine, chocolate, men.

The unit I am working on is too dangerous, they are even thinking of closing it down.

I really really want to take up and just travel again. Run away I guess...