B12

So tired and feeling poo , reckon its cos I ate wheat on Lukes birthday (accidently) Just injected b12 so hoping that will help with energy.. lets see.

Hd a chat with Christian last night, I do miss him, but its getting less and less. Also been talking to Luke and maybe we can work things out, he seems to want to go all the way with me, and backs that up by being there and supporting me so lets see.

Its hard to give myself b12.. the injection is in the butt and its hard to turn round and do that to yourself! But I think it makes a huge difference, I think I have self diagnosed my problem:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pernicious_anemia

Not depression, makes pms worse, and affects mood. all made better by b12. Jackpot.

No joy toy boy

Im not 20. Im almost 33. Im not a supermodel, just a small women, ready to have babies. So why is a 23 year dating me when his model ex girlfriend is still talkin to him. Good question. I cant be bothered to compete anymore, either I will be alone or someone will marry me because they are proud of the woman I am. After Christian who broke my heart I just cant go on fighting for men anymore.

Luke is lovely but I really dont have the stamina to keep up with going out a lot as you do at that age. His friends all talk about school still and I really just dont fit in.

I miss dating someone who is at the same stage of life as me, who wants kids soon, and who understands my aches and pains. I am old.

What I need now is not a boyfriend but a husband and Im not sure Luke is quite up to that.

Cars and scars

Been busy organising Lukes birthday and stuff like that. But bought a new car today.. well second hand.. that will help me get some of my independance back and gets me a step closer to work. Aunty Joan is still in hospital but sounds like shes doing ok. Had my visa medical and now waiting for all the paperwork so I can put in my visa application. Still havent had a call from my parents, and I refuse to call them. Had a dream a few nights ago that my mum died.. which scared me a bit though...

Im still very very insecure, and not sure why, maybe I need the help of a psychologist or to settle down and have a normal life.. I dont know.

The b12 injection helped so much btw, think I will do that every month, made a huge difference to me.

My startdate was jan 9 but now Lukes mum booked his birthday present for that date Ive had to ask them to change it to the following week.. just hope they can! Still we are going to Sydney so thats exciting!

All ready start work so hope the paperwork gets done quick!

If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off

Pmsing again. boobs hurt, mood sucks am exhausted. Thinking about injecting b12 into my butt...

New years is a horrible time.. too much contemplation and thinking of all the things you could have / should have done.

I dont like the person I am right now. Im slipping backwards. gotta start work soon, maybe that will help with my confidence levels...

2009

Apologies for lack of posts! Christmas and New Years always gets me down. Its always bad and this year was no exception with the hospitalisation of my aunty joan, the one family member I care about and who talks to me over christmas. (no calls from parents of course). She came down with pneumonia just before christmas and spent christmas and new years in hospital. I managed to call her and she seems to be doing a bit better but we thought we were gonna lose her for a while.. she is 80 years old...

Christmas was spent with Lukes families, christmas eve and christmas mornin with Lukes mum .. shed included me in the santa sack rituals, and this is the first time in many years I have actually recieved christmas presents! Christmas day was spent with Lukes Dads family, where we ate salad and bathed in sunshine.. very strange for me!

New years was spent at a friend of Lukes home, and was a quiet (if drunken) occasion. I didnt want to go out at all but had to for Lukes sake.

I do feel like I piss on Lukes bonfire a lot, being that bit older than him and a bit strange, I dont like to go party and play drinking games too much these days.

Close to getting Visa now. have to arrange a medical and get my WA nursing licence and then I am all set!

Picture is from New years eve.

I can see pain

I can see peoples pain. It hurts to look at it. The other day was having a barbeque with a group of people and they were talking about schooldays and one said to everyone in general but I suspect to his father that he wouldnt dare do anything wrong because hed be beaten by his grandfather if he did. I heard that, and I am sure everyone heard that, but in typical human style is was ignored. I wanted to say, I know the pain you feel! I know what its like to be unherad and dismissed!! But i too, pretended I didnt hear it :( I see peoples pain everywhere. People crying out for peple to care but the signals going missed and the bubbles brekaing and the hurt in their eyes. I wish i couldnt see all that, because I feel it too, and carry it with me, and I cant do a thing about it.

Im so fricking hormonally on edge right now. Upset by everything and jealous about all. Its like watching a car crash. cant stop it but can see it happening in front of me. Hate PMS. Sooo tired too this month.

Ventured out with a couple of Lukes female friends yesterday. Going to the beach with 20 year olds made me very nervous, but I was relieved to find my body shaped up to it, and was comparably ok next to the 20 year olds, so wasnt too embarassed at all. In fact had quite a nice time, nice to hang out with girls again. I do find I miss Mie.

Im dreaming...

But unfortunately not of a white christmas :( PMS started yesterday boobs swollen, anxious mood, bad dreams. Stress.

Im stressed about not recieveing the rent from my apartment this month, meaning I have no money.

Im stressed about my nursing licence not yet arriving, and so my visa application will be late.

Im stressed about getting christmas presents for all these people getting them for me, and having no money to do it.

Im stressed about attending parties here but only having one suitcase of clothes and only one dress.

The biggest thing is the loss of trust I have in renting my apartment to a "friend" No contract and no reply to emails and missin rent, and its hard to do anything about it from here :(

The nightmares last night were forceful and plenty, all my fears and worries seem to attack me at this time of the month, and I cant stop it, it attacks in my fricking sleep!!

wondering if I shoul d take some extra vit b, or what I should do, it will only get worse for the next 10 days until period starts....