Ring of fire

I hate my life and even more I hate myself. Talked to Luke yesteday about how Im feeling about the relationship, and of course he was very upset. I do care about him, but not in love and I dont think thats fair on either of us. I mean I tried to weigh up whats important, love or longevity, and I chose the latter but I feel like a fraud. Luke is such a good man, and he looks after me, and hes what I need. But not who or what I want. That guy was bad for me and I left him behind in DK.And I miss him. How after over a year- possibly nearer two.. can I not get this guy out of my head and heart? And then theres the other guy wiling to give me what I want, whos here and now and has eveything in place and responsible, but Im not in a position to date him, and even if I was would I even like him? Why was...I so in love with C and I havent even seen him in years and he hurt me so much and Im a totally different person now anyway.

I miss Denmark a lot. Denmark was the best place to bring up children. Not here. I so very much want to have children though, and I think thats the one thing Luke cant give me..

I hate my job, I really dont want to be there, and Im not as still off with my hurt arm. I loved my job at DanaWeb. Not everyday and not when it was stressful and not being picked on by Mia. But I loved making designs and the people. I miss Mie a lot, I miss people that understand me and are not bitchy. Danish girls are generally not bitchy, well Mie wasnt.

Luke says I should go back to Dk for a trip and see how I feel. But you cant go backwards can you? Only forwards. Luke is an amazing gu. He deserves much better than me.

I miss DK I miss more who I was in DK. I was strong and beautiful, and confident. Here I am weak and ugly.

Im so confused. Im always confused. I need someone strong to hold me down and tell me this is how its gonna be. I need someone to be in control. I feel like Im totally out of control. My life is not going the way I want it to be.

Still havent seen any money from my flat, so cant pay any of my debts off. Despite angry emails everywhere no one cares. The money seems to have just disappeared. I miss my lovely apartment, my lovely cats, my lovely beach. I think I was very lonely but whats worse?

I dont understand anything.

Some thoughts

SO still off work with a damaged arm-hurt in a restraint and been prescribed fentanyl.. a pretty scary opiate. I want to be a web designer again.

Australia. Denmark is very protected the food the tv, Australia is not like this. The food contains ghastly amounts of chemicals and fats, the tv is infomercial after infomercial which grates on your very soul. The children are spoiled, and abused. Its very similar to UK apart from the sunshine and the amazing beaches.

I miss the simplicity of DK, the white sands, the shorter working hours the laws stating you must have a break. The people are warmer here, but the warmth makes them less sharp and spontaneous. I am disgusted by most of what I see, just repulsed and it makes me angry and unhappy.

Perhaps Australia is not the place for me. Perhaps the world is not the place for me... or maybe its just the people.....

Self destruction

Feeling stronger, apart from the shoulder injury I picked up at work today, but now I have been signed off sick as unfit to work, so at least can get all my paperwork sorted, if I can write!

Christian told me im the most self destructive person he knows. I know I kinda am. Moving to Australia wasnt the worse thing I could have done, but maybe if Id stuck it out longer in DK I could have worked things out.. anyways je ne regret rien!

I do miss DK, and Christian, and Mie, but in reality I didnt fit into DK, I just dont seem to fit anywhere.

AT least here, Luke cares about me and looks after me, and thats more than Ive probably had in my life.

In pursuit of happiness

So I realise I have a social phobia. Hate being around people. Especially after that work person basically told me eveyone hates me. Nightmare. Was at a workmates wedding today, and I just couldnt wait to get out of there.

So I have social phobias, Im not a nice person, and I feel like crap. WHAT IS THE POINT OF MY EXISTANCE other than pure torture?

I wonder why Luke puts up with me sometimes.

I am definitely not happy though. Australia is not like I thought it would be, its far too similar to UK and working with all UK people and their miserableness and humour that pokes fun at people is doiing my head in. I MISS DENMARK!! I have realised I am more Danish than english.

I have cut all contact with the other man, not that anything happened but he wanted it to, and to distract myself from my sad life I may have slipped into something I didnt want to do. However now i have absolutely no distraction from the boredom and lonliness of it all.

I miss my computer. My computer is my best friend and fulfills all my needs. I need to work with computers again. Not people.

Stuck here on a visa, I dont have many job options. Oh I do just want to fly away.

My shipment is stuck in customs, My money from my flat is stuck in denmark, The rent from my flat is stuck in my old tenants pocket and I am stuck trying to change the person I am into a person not only I like but people around me like.

Fuck. This is hard.

What a life

Sorry I havent caught up with you in ages, things have been so busy.

Things with Luke havent been great, and since my birthday when that guy asked me out I have been questioning our relationship.

Work hasnt been great either. As always theres one person who really makes my life difficult, always female, and always above average size.

So needless to say IM not too happy right now.

33, and trapped. Missing Denmark. Not sure if I ever will be able to have kids, or be in a job I love again.

Christian has forgotten about me- he forgot my birthday. (Which by the way the pic is from with my friend Jay) I ever forget anyone, and still think about every single person who has meant somethingto me.

Parents still havent called, but they did send money for my birthday which was a surprise...or was it.

Wish I could run away and go travelling again. Not liking myself or my life right now.

Working in a team of english people and english people are so rude and sarcastic to each other I just cant deal with it.

I just ant seem to get anything in my life right at the moment and wondering whether I should be doing something different.

My shipment arrived from DK this week and my flat sold so thats that chapter of my life closed, which hurts. Havent seen the money for the flat yet though! ALso the guy renting my flat didnt pay the last two months so thats pretty annoying too. PLUS he stole all my things.

I think I am just unlucky, these things never seem to happen to anyone else.

Im a loser baby...

Im never happy. I have no exciting conversations, Im not particularly interesting, Im not funny, and I dont really like being around people, becuase I am scared and ashamed to be around them. Im just not good enough.

I dont have children, I dont have anything of any realy value, I dont have a family...

So when put against Lukes sister, who is confident, well dressed,beautiful, outgoing, the life and soul of the party I feel inadequate. And her weedy, yet strangely full of himself boyfriend really annoys me.

DOnt get me wrong, I love his sister , everyone loves his sister, shes a lovely person. But I am extremely jealous that she can be who she wans and get what she wants and acts perfectly all the time, whereas I am a constant misery and no fun to be around at all.

Im not nice to live with, my mood changes a lot and I cry a lot. I get upset because Luke doesnt do little things to show he cars, like remember valentines or buy me flowers or anything.

And maybe I overcompensate by buying him things all the time, because although I love him I know deep down that Im not totally in love with him.

SOmetimes I feel I just want my life to stop, I cant go on being me anymore, and its just too hard to change.

WHY CANT I BE HAPPY.

Work blues

Im not sure I like being back in nursing. All these women trying to prove themselves, its crazy. It makes for a instable environment both to work and for the kids. The kids are ok, managable. Like I say its just the staff that make it all so difficult. I feel the difference when on shift with different people. And thats the other thing: shift work is killing me.

Been thinking back to denmark and making it rosey in my mind, but it wasnt I know. I have a better life here, more sunshine, people who care. I just need to find my way out of this job and into one that suits me better.

I do miss Denmark, the danes in general. Yes there were weird bitches like Mia, but in general people were less anxious and more down to earth. People here are a lot less stuffy though.

Still hot here, 32 C today.

My apartment in copenhagen is about to be sold... ridiculously under the asking price, but in this climate what can you do?! At least its sold, and im ready to start over with no ties in dk at all.

The hospital is organising a group sponsored permanent residency. I am not sure what this will mean but sounds very positive, will find out more tomorrow.

I wonder if I will ever be happy. Im not sure everything is totally right right now. Living with Luke feels like having a flatmate right now. We only have a small bed, and he is restless, so hes sleeping in another bedroom. Reminds a bit of my ex husband shortly before we divorced. But hes doing it for me so I can get sleep for my shifts on early starts. Still feels weird though.