Arrival in thailand

Expecting to be met by beautiful thai girls holding coconut cocktails, I arrived at bangkok airport very late last night. Having made it through customs, I arrive to the baggage carousel to be informed that all baggage from my flight is gone...gone??? I get sent to baggage department who make a few walky talky contacts and then tell me my baggage is lost! Now remember I'm ill, im coughing up blood, not to mention I sat next to the one crazy guy on the airplane who talked to himself, and kept doing repetative twitching moevements (how come in the movies girls get to sit next to brad pitt or someother boy next door and I get a 50 year old fat loony!!??). So in disbelief I fill out all the forms, I cant believe it it was a straight flight how could they lose whats left of my life in suitcases!!!!?? So I went to check at the carousel one last time ( dont trust anyone me..) and there it is YAY!! SO I join the very long taxi queue and head to the hotel I booked and confirmed over the internet, only to be told their full. FULL! How the heck can they be full?? I confirmed the NIGHT before!!! The guy wasnt too bothered and basically told me to fuck off, until a friendly couple came to my rescue- after that he said he did have a room but it wasnt cleaned. I was soo tired by this time 1am... I was like yeah I can sleep anywhere. When he opened the room, there was blood everywhere, and the persons belongingings scattered accross the room- I left the place like LIGHTNING. So the taxi driver took me to a brothel for the night, where I couldnt sleep and in the morning discoved the shower didnt work and there was no plug for the bath. Not to mention the fact my laptop had condensation from the flight and refused to work. In the morning the laptop came on but as soon as the power went and I plugged it it no power supply. Now you know me, my LIFE is on my laptop! So Im stuck in a brothel, shocked by the scene I saw the night before feeling very vulnerable. And because I flew when ill I have terrible earache to add to the sore throat, headache and chills etc. Piet gave me some names of places over sms but I couldnt find their numbers so I thought FUCK IT I booked into the hotel I spent new years eve in with Christian, more expensive but totally worth it, at least I can have a hot bath and sleep feeling a bit safe. Ok so (and I thank you all for your support you know I use this medium as a coping mechanism) What can I do about the laptop? The power supply works (green light comes on when plugged in) But when I plug it into computer it goes off again! Its a work computer and they expect it back- but how do I get my stuff off it, and should I cut my losses and buy anew one. And if I buy a new one how do I get both back to dk?? Does anyone else have a life like me? I just want to be in the suburbs somewhere with a doting hubby and two kids and a dog- and of course a laptop that works :)

Someone to watch over me

Vietnam is corrupt. People lie and cheat and steal. Guess it's like anywhere then. I am so ill right now. coughing up blood- I think its because I had the japenese b encephalitis vaccine and I am having a reaction to it. I am still paying for the doctors (which my ex bf encouraged me to go to and offered to help pay for it- then left me before he helped :( ) Plus my landlord stole my rent and deposit so I lost a lot of money- having to stay in a hotel until I can fly tomorrow. So I can't afford to go to the doctors. My body aches, my head aches and I am so cold, I just can't get warm, I am coughing and blood clots come up, and my throat is so sore, my voice has almost gone. Feel like I am dying, I am moving around because I have to but will probably collapse as soon as I reach my destination.

Feeling very unsafe, very afraid, have absolutely no one to turn to, the ones I thought I had ignore me. I move to thailand tomorrow where its warmer at least, but I am still going to be stuck in bed. When my ex bf was sick, I was there to put cold towels on his brow. No one is there for me- not even by phone/email.

Piet was right; I need someone to look after me.

Who am I?

I am a very private person, (you wouldnt think so having a blog and all but I am..)which is something that is being challenged recently. Ex's talking crap about me, people coming into my apartment uninvited. I think I may become a hermit, never get close to anyone again. It only hurts. Th ephoto by the way is me with a friends baby. It felt so good holding him, I really didn't want to give him back.

So I am considering breast surgery, and perhaps botox. Perhaps these things will make me a happier more confident person.

All I know is I feel like I am always on the run and nowhere I go, or stay a while do I ever feel safe. Going through life like a fugitive, trusting no one, pushing people away when they get too close takes it toll.

Roaming the world in search of what? happiness? love? peace? faith? a family.

Just saying the word family makes me want to cry, so it must be that. But a hermit does not have a family. I'm a childless mother, a husbandless wife. Without fufilling these roles I dont even exist. So perhaps I am merely looking for exisitence- or the evidence of existence.

From wednesday I am on my own, in strange lands, looking for evidence that I exist.

So who am I? According to one of my more honest profiles- I'm a Grace Kelly in the wrong era, the character in the movie that you identify with but who doesn't fit in the real world. I'm a real woman with real mood swings. I feel, I love, I laugh, I cry, and I talk through movies. I require loving, understanding and forgiving, and in return give those and much more. I'm intelligent but not sharp, I'm sensitive but not soft, I am tough but not chewy. I am a chocoholic, an ice cream addict and skip proper meals, although I love to cook, and I am quite good at it. I have no interest in how drunk you got or who you vomited over. I am playful and love children, although don't have any yet. Horror stories scare me, black humour makes me laugh out loud. I laugh at my own jokes and groan at yours. I am always right but trying to change that. I am a caterpillar in a cocoon and hope to be a butterfly soon. Who are you...?

Fortune and misfortune

Driving to the fortune teller today through the outlying villages in the outer provinces of Hanoi, and suddenly we drove through what Ican only describe as dog hell. Dogs in cages being beaten with a baseball bat, dogs being spit roast, or dead on a table being sold by the pound. On a motor bike there was a small wire cage containing around 7 or 8 dogs, packed so tightly together they couldn't move, they looked like stuffed toys in a toy hammock. There was nothing I could do, this is the way of life here. I lifted up my camera to take pictures but I was too shocked to do it, it seemed so insensitive. I can't even begin to imagine how war photographers are able to shoot.

So the fortune teller told me (and yes I was also sceptical at first) That I live in a tower (true) That I live in two places (true) that I have been married before (true) That I had a baby but the baby was sad and wasnt born (had a miscarriage before christmas) He told me that I was running away and that I would marry as my mother did someone of a different nationality (true) He also said that I owe from my past life and that is why this life is hard - he said if I was vietnamese he would perform a ceremony- and he could try do this for me but he would have to give me a vietnamese name. The ceremony would cost around 4 million VND!

I'm actually considering it. This fortune teller , who diappointed me by being around MY age, and quite effeminate with liber archie sized rings and a cracking sense of humour. (was expecting a wizened old man on the mountain) This guy lived in a huge estate with a big expensive car! No wonder with all the government officials paying him to keep their "luck" They pay around 10 million every year!!

So question is to have this ceremony (tomorrow) or not....

Stuck in teen

So I went to the movies, ate ice cream, and I'm UP again (wooooo) I'm lucky I dont stay down long really.... I do, however find that I identify with the angst female teen characters. I think I'm stuck in my teen years, unable to grow up.

Still off to see a vietnamese fortune teller tomorrow- maybe he can tell me what I should be doing... :)

Have so much to do, I find it all a little overwhelming sometimes, not great at coping with high stress (as you know) But I'm strong again now. People underestimate the power of ice cream!

AT the end of the day I'm a very old fasioned girl... a ginger looking for her fred, or a grace looking for her carey. I'm in the wrong era, or I watched too many old movies, and started to believe in them. Dammit!

Not having to be right all the time

I feel better having talked about my fears with somoone who listened to me. Sometimes all I need is to be listened to. I'm more convinced than ever that this landmark course is the right thing to do, although I may have to lie in the psychiatric disclamier..

Wondering if I should stay in Vietnam, now that I can't actually leave, take another job here. What are my reasons for travelling? Will I ever find myself that way? Where in the world should I be?

Having talked to someone I now have a lot more to think about, but I'm peeping out of the darkness- only just but I have to stay up.

Yes folks this is me, I have dark episodes, I have incredibly light ones too, I have moodswings, I love a lot and deeply, and I am generally a multifaceted human being. Deal with it.( I have to).

Now I am going to call someone and hopefully catch a movie with them...

Dead already

You're right I am dead alraedy. I just don't think I belong on this planet. Trying to think back to times I have been happy. I think the first time I felt happiness was when my ex husband asked me to marry him. Someone wanted me finally, someone accepted me, loved me, needed me.

The second time is when we bought our house.. our home, finally my own home, somewhere I could stay and be peaceful in, a place for our children to run around it. Somewhere to settle.

Other happy times are flashes- getting my first permanent job in denmark, and that meaning I was able to stay in the country I loved, on my motorbike driving in the sunshine, at my ex boyfriends summerhouse, finally spending some quality time with him, feeding the ducks and just being happy. But those moments are rare to me. I rarely feel safe or secure or looked after. So maybe I am dead. I don't like or fit in with most people. I just don't understand them and of course no one understands me. That's not true the last guy that understood me, I pushed away, quite cruelly. I really don't think I deserve a life. I don't do anything with it. I'm a failure, a fraud, and unlovable.

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/