I am a very private person, (you wouldnt think so having a blog and all but I am..)which is something that is being challenged recently. Ex's talking crap about me, people coming into my apartment uninvited. I think I may become a hermit, never get close to anyone again. It only hurts. Th ephoto by the way is me with a friends baby. It felt so good holding him, I really didn't want to give him back.
So I am considering breast surgery, and perhaps botox. Perhaps these things will make me a happier more confident person.
All I know is I feel like I am always on the run and nowhere I go, or stay a while do I ever feel safe. Going through life like a fugitive, trusting no one, pushing people away when they get too close takes it toll.
Roaming the world in search of what? happiness? love? peace? faith? a family.
Just saying the word family makes me want to cry, so it must be that. But a hermit does not have a family. I'm a childless mother, a husbandless wife. Without fufilling these roles I dont even exist. So perhaps I am merely looking for exisitence- or the evidence of existence.
From wednesday I am on my own, in strange lands, looking for evidence that I exist.
So who am I? According to one of my more honest profiles- I'm a Grace Kelly in the wrong era, the character in the movie that you identify with but who doesn't fit in the real world. I'm a real woman with real mood swings. I feel, I love, I laugh, I cry, and I talk through movies. I require loving, understanding and forgiving, and in return give those and much more. I'm intelligent but not sharp, I'm sensitive but not soft, I am tough but not chewy. I am a chocoholic, an ice cream addict and skip proper meals, although I love to cook, and I am quite good at it. I have no interest in how drunk you got or who you vomited over. I am playful and love children, although don't have any yet. Horror stories scare me, black humour makes me laugh out loud. I laugh at my own jokes and groan at yours. I am always right but trying to change that. I am a caterpillar in a cocoon and hope to be a butterfly soon. Who are you...?