You're right I am dead alraedy. I just don't think I belong on this planet. Trying to think back to times I have been happy. I think the first time I felt happiness was when my ex husband asked me to marry him. Someone wanted me finally, someone accepted me, loved me, needed me.
The second time is when we bought our house.. our home, finally my own home, somewhere I could stay and be peaceful in, a place for our children to run around it. Somewhere to settle.
Other happy times are flashes- getting my first permanent job in denmark, and that meaning I was able to stay in the country I loved, on my motorbike driving in the sunshine, at my ex boyfriends summerhouse, finally spending some quality time with him, feeding the ducks and just being happy. But those moments are rare to me. I rarely feel safe or secure or looked after. So maybe I am dead. I don't like or fit in with most people. I just don't understand them and of course no one understands me. That's not true the last guy that understood me, I pushed away, quite cruelly. I really don't think I deserve a life. I don't do anything with it. I'm a failure, a fraud, and unlovable.