Sunday, 20 January 2008

Dead already

You're right I am dead alraedy. I just don't think I belong on this planet. Trying to think back to times I have been happy. I think the first time I felt happiness was when my ex husband asked me to marry him. Someone wanted me finally, someone accepted me, loved me, needed me.

The second time is when we bought our house.. our home, finally my own home, somewhere I could stay and be peaceful in, a place for our children to run around it. Somewhere to settle.

Other happy times are flashes- getting my first permanent job in denmark, and that meaning I was able to stay in the country I loved, on my motorbike driving in the sunshine, at my ex boyfriends summerhouse, finally spending some quality time with him, feeding the ducks and just being happy. But those moments are rare to me. I rarely feel safe or secure or looked after. So maybe I am dead. I don't like or fit in with most people. I just don't understand them and of course no one understands me. That's not true the last guy that understood me, I pushed away, quite cruelly. I really don't think I deserve a life. I don't do anything with it. I'm a failure, a fraud, and unlovable.

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

3 comments:

JT said...

I have now read your blog, and by telling you this, hopefully now you can add a coping resources.
If you still need or want someone anonymous or not to talk/write to you can reach me at (jtsn20 at homail). if not then know that someone is listning at the other end of the blog.

Anonymous said...

I dont think you are right. You deserve life and life deserves you. But you need to want it. You need to ejoy it for it to give you plessure and happiness.
Understandig is one thing but accepting is a completely different thing. We all have to accept out past and let it stay there. Otherwise we cant cope. A lot of things has happend to me aswell these last weeks and if I didnt accept and just let it be I would go creazy. Im sure things will turn for the better soon.

Anonymous said...

I dont think you are right. You deserve life and life deserves you. But you need to want it. You need to ejoy it for it to give you plessure and happiness.
Understandig is one thing but accepting is a completely different thing. We all have to accept out past and let it stay there. Otherwise we cant cope. A lot of things has happend to me aswell these last weeks and if I didnt accept and just let it be I would go creazy. Im sure things will turn for the better soon.