Friday, 25 April 2008
Death of a salesman
And I thought I had it hard to find a mate! Was chatting to my new Balinese friend Agung and she has it really hard. Not only is she expected to find someone who lives on Bali BUT they also have to be the same caste as her! Needle in a haystack! So guess I am pretty lucky I have the whole world to choose from.
Wait a minute though, choice isn't necessarily a good thing. I mean I keep picking people who are bad for me. I seem to be attracted to people who are bad for me, they intrigue me, draw me in, even though I know they won't look after me or my feelings, and will only think about themselves and their world. These people are rich and powerful mostly, they are highly intelligent salesmen, with silver tongues, who speak about wanting children and settling down and yet don't act like it.
These people fall in love with me without even knowing me, and they think they love me with a passion. Something I have learned about that passion though, is that it soon dies out, and what is left. When these boys get to know the real me, the chase is over and they are gone. No, in a mate I want comfortableness and comfort, intelligence has now fallen on my list although an IQ of over 70 would be nice. I want someone who compliments my qualities, with whom I feel safe. My wild days of sharing poetry or amazing music staying up til the early hours talking and being fascinated by a man with so much over confidence and testosterone, hoping that one day he will show me the love I need, I hope, are over. Someone who gives me what I need, and not just talks about it, someone prepared to go that extra mile to show me I'm worth it.
Just hope I don't fall for the wrong ones again. I think though, now that I am not desperately in need of affection that I would sell out to get it. I am attracted to testosterone though, men with weaknesses, femininity tend to turn me off, yet the other end is aggressiveness, which I have had enough of too. No, the man should do the running, of that I'm sure. But he won't have to run too much, just enough for me to know it's real. A man with integrity and sincerity, with honesty and loyalty.
Now I know what I need..where do I find him? Or does he find me...?