Saturday, 12 July 2008

Mental Parentals

Still PMSing, spoke to my mum on the phone today, a very rare occurance. I bit the bullet and said the things that havent been said for years. She actually heard what I said without putting the phone down. She finally seemed to accept all the beatings and torture was wrong, and she even seemed to remember the incidences I did. This was a relief because no one has ever admitted it happened and sometimes you get to thinking well maybe its all in my head.

She said my father was sorry and that I should go visit them before I go to oz and talk about it. I told her how much that scared me because of my dads violence and she told me that he is now a little old man with grey hair and he couldnt hurt me. But Its still there you know... physically mentally and emotionally. I told her whatever I did I didnt deserve that as a child and I still have to carry it around with me. I told her about my suicide attempt at 14 (they never knew, I went to hospital had stitches wore long sleeves in summer but they didnt notice it at all) and how bad I felt and still feel about their words.I always wanted them to love me, but I was never good enough as I wasnt a boy. I told her it wasnt my fault I couldnt help my gender or any of it.

I think she realises they were wrong...this is a first. But they may not see it like that next time I talk with them... Im sure it will end up being all my fault again. I will go and see them, but I am not looking foward to it. Maybe this will help with some closure for me... lets hope I survive!

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