Feeling very down, havent left my bedroom since saturday, feeling on the edge, but as long as I stay here nothing and no one can hurt me in my vulnerable state. PMDD is killing me, and Im holding on to my mind and emotions right now, keeping them tied up tight, because Im scared what will happen if i lose it.
Im angry. Angry at Christian for letting me down so much, if it wasnt for him I wouldnt be in a lot of this mess. Angry at all the stupid decisions that I myself am responsible for. Im angry at players like Danny and Christian K, who tread all over people.
I feel trapped and lonely and afraid, but I know yet again I will have to face my fears, organise myself and fight this war.
I have some allies which I am very grateful for. I am being very honest about the state Im in, something which I dont usually talk about, and my reward is some understanding. Andreas has been checking on me, and Doc , but I am wary about their motives and this makes me panic and pull away more. Other than that Dan and Luke have been a great support and motivation and I trust those two are good friends and have my best interests at heart. So some support is there.
Glad to have the internet as a support, Im very afraid to start thinking because I know it will spiral and not with good results.
Hoping I snap out of this soon so I can get on with everything I need to do. Hormones should change in a week. This month its a bad one. I think eating wheat makes it a lot worse, plus Ive had the flu which has physically weakened me.
The sun is shining outside, but I lay in bed with the blinds down, and laptop on trying to push away all the bad thinking. It all upsets me, but theres nothing I can do so I have to try turn my back on it all and walk away.