Tuesday, 10 June 2008


Feeling very down, havent left my bedroom since saturday, feeling on the edge, but as long as I stay here nothing and no one can hurt me in my vulnerable state. PMDD is killing me, and Im holding on to my mind and emotions right now, keeping them tied up tight, because Im scared what will happen if i lose it.

Im angry. Angry at Christian for letting me down so much, if it wasnt for him I wouldnt be in a lot of this mess. Angry at all the stupid decisions that I myself am responsible for. Im angry at players like Danny and Christian K, who tread all over people.

I feel trapped and lonely and afraid, but I know yet again I will have to face my fears, organise myself and fight this war.

I have some allies which I am very grateful for. I am being very honest about the state Im in, something which I dont usually talk about, and my reward is some understanding. Andreas has been checking on me, and Doc , but I am wary about their motives and this makes me panic and pull away more. Other than that Dan and Luke have been a great support and motivation and I trust those two are good friends and have my best interests at heart. So some support is there.

Glad to have the internet as a support, Im very afraid to start thinking because I know it will spiral and not with good results.

Hoping I snap out of this soon so I can get on with everything I need to do. Hormones should change in a week. This month its a bad one. I think eating wheat makes it a lot worse, plus Ive had the flu which has physically weakened me.

The sun is shining outside, but I lay in bed with the blinds down, and laptop on trying to push away all the bad thinking. It all upsets me, but theres nothing I can do so I have to try turn my back on it all and walk away.


Anthony said...

What you need is something to do, something to keep you busy and help you forget about the worries of this world, at least for a few hours each day. If you are interested I can give you some leads within our pharma industry, no promises but you can just try.

Maybe you can reflect of the beautiful message from the famous poem desiderata(I posted earlier) and strive to be happy. I hope you will find it interesting.

Desiderata bx Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Anthony said...
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