Woke up this morning with my heart beating fast. No more christian, no more clinging to unrealistic dreams. Just me. Part of me wants to come back to my life in denmark, but I know it will never be the same. I know one mustnt go backwards only forwards. I see all the pictures on facebook, not only of christian, but of danny, and the young people where I used to work having fun, and I know I will never be a part of that. I am different. Sleeping around doesnt fulfill me. I just want one man, and perhaps thats wrong, but I just want one man to love for life. I am fed up with men lying to me, I just want honesty, you know.
I also need to find what makes me happy. Jackson says I have been happy when Ive been hanging out with him, but Im not so sure. Yes I love listening to music sipping a ginger ale (Jackson didnt say anything about me not drinking at all!) And I like playing pool to loud music, I remember doing that when I was younger in Nottingham. But what I really want to do( I think) is bake cakes and have a family and love them. I still have a lot of love inside me. The thing is a lot of people dont let you care for them.
Thinking again about doing doctors without borders, laegerne uden graenser. Perhaps that will fulfill my caring needs and keep me occupied. But with this PMDD I am not sure how to work around it, and I am not sure how to cure it. Perhaps working for myself is an option bt I have no idea how to do that.
Maybe I just dont belong on this planet !