Today I realised that Christian never loved me. I know that was obvious to some of you, and you tried to tell me, but you know how hearts and imaginations can be. I have to stop living in a past that was as dreamt up as the future was, and see things for how they really were, without the rose tinted glasses on. He never kept his promises, he kept me a secret and he was happy to get rid of me. Not signs of love. I have to stop seeing a future with him, because he doesnt see that. I have to move on. Whilst I hold on to him I will never find someone new, and I need someone new to make me smile, and trust in men again. Im not sure how Christian got under my skin, I dont usually fall for the self centred type, but I guess he is a salesman, and a good one.
Anyway enough about Christian. I dont need him, and Im pretty sure when I start to think about things the way they really were I dont want him.
I have felt loved by Thomas, by Kristian, so I know people can love me, even when they know the ´scary´ part of me. They didn´t run away-I did.
I have hope that I will find THE ONE, and that I will find a place to settle down where I can grow my apple trees and raise my children.
Just need to find someone who will do anything for me, and not just say they will do anything for me.
So in celebration of this revelation, I am deleting Christians numbers. So what if he has all my stuff, I havent needed it the past 4 months. Fuck it. Keeping him in my life isnt a positive thing, its only holding me back, and I really need to move forward now.
I am pretty sure now that I wont be coming back to denmark, I really havent had much luck there. Not sure where i will be, perhaps i will stay in asia. I will find out.
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