Thursday, 17 January 2008

Losing the Fear

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Frank Herbert, Dune. Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear.

I am afraid, and I think that's what makes me the person I am. I am afraid that my boyfriends will have affairs. I am afraid I left the iron on, I am afraid, that people will think me strange, I am afraid I am not good enough. Sometimes I am afraid and have panic attacks and I don't even know why. The way I act is based on these fears, I am jealous, I am possessive, I am scared to meet people in case they don't like me, I think about things too much and I try and plan everything down to the last detail, scare of what may happen if I don't. This of course only serves to push people away. It makes me not want to tidy up because I am scared if i do it won't be perfect. And everything has to be perfect. Why? Because my parents told me it had to.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
Eleanor Roosevelt.

So coming to Vietnam, being alone, not having a plan, or any stability faces a lot of my fears. Crying alone in the dark last night I realised that I must face all my fears to become whole and stable again. I have to learn to trust those close to me. To trust myself, my own decisions. I have had so many frightening experiences that I haven't yet faced. I am facing them all head on now, and it is overwhelming. I feel I need a hug, but there isn't one. There isn't anything but me. But perhaps that's the way it's supposed to be.

"The fear of being wrong is the prime inhibitor of the creative process."
Jean Bryant.

Having been told in my informative years that I was wrong, that the way I thought was wrong, that what I believed was wrong, I find it hard now to believe in myself. But i am no longer a child, I am 31 years old. A wise adult with life experiences and stories to tell. Who one day hopefully may have a child of her own to nurture and teach. So I have to learn, and it would seem I have to learn the hard way.

"If I can endure for this minute whatever is happening to me No matter how heavy my heart is or how dark the moment might be... If I can but keep on believing what I know in my heart to be true, That darkness will fade with morning and that this will pass away, too... Then nothing can ever disturb me or fill me with uncertain fear, For as sure as night brings dawning, my morning is bound to appear..."


Travelling to Halong Bay faced a lot of my fears- standing up for myself, talking to strangers, being alone in a town for 2 days, not knowing anyone or how to speak to them. Kayaking on the ocean. It's nice to go out and explore the world. I talked about Denmark, and got sad and missed home. and I laid under the stars and wished the person I cared about was beside me, seeing the beauty I saw. I felt a bit hollow and empty for a while like part of me was missing.

“I to the world am like a drop of waterThat in the ocean seeks another drop,Who, falling there to find his fellow forth,Unseen, inquisitive, confounds himself.”

William Shakespeare - A Comedy of Errors

I guess love does that to you huh. When you find the person you want to be with, but who doesn't want to be with you it is a little sad. Actually it hurts. A lot. But nothing can be done. I must change my way of thinking about princes on white horses and fairytales. I must stop believing in romantic fantasy and start realising that life is not a fairytale, as hard as that is.

"The conquest of fear lies in the moment of its acceptance."


Anonymous said...

Facing your fears is the hardest thing about life. You are lucky that you know what you fear and have thought about is because then you can do something about it. I think you are doing a good job of trying to find yourself.
It seems that your life has just begun. Enjoy it while you can. It might not be there tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

Why are you scared to meet people? Experience make you move forward, no matter if good or bad...