Sunday, 20 January 2008

Darkness falls

Every so often the darkness falls. I wake up in the night crying and screaming, thinking I can't go on. I have been now 3 days without going out, and eating only what is left in the flat- chocolate and peanuts. It all hit me last night. I have no job, I have no income, I have no life left anywhere. I'm scared alone and I always will be. And I wanted to die.

I get depressed. Depression runs in my family. I used to take drugs for it until "they" told me I was bi-polar and gave me more drugs to stop me being high. This made my mind a blank and turned me into a dribbling ape, so I agreed to take talking therapy instead and went on a waiting list. The waiting list was years long, and I moved from place to place, eventually ending up in Denmark years later where I was unable to afford a therapist or even find one that therapised in english.

So I carry the depression around with me, and in stressful situations (don't get stressed they say- dont take a stressful job) I crack up. So here I am alone,cold, hungry, no one to talk with but myself, my blog and my ex bf by sms (who is unympathetic and thinks Im crazy), dealing with all the issues in my past- child abuse, crazy parents, torture, attempted murder, rape, lonliness, divorce, miscarriage etc.. all at once trying to work through this mountain of emotions all alone in a country where Im trapped. I knew there was a reason I put a lid on these things, it's enough to kill anyone!

I am a person who needs stability, thats what Im always told. As long as I have a job that keeps my mind occupied and a place to call home, I should be in a place I can deal with stuff.

So what do I do? Give all that up- for a man! How stupid can I get! And did the man care- fuck no.

It's like opening a can of worms- I can't close it now- I have so much guilt and I hate the person I am right now. The ex says the only person that can fix that is me- but how???


I'm a crying, hungry mess, and I just don't know what to do. I know I am supposed to stay safe, but I don't know whether I have the strength for that anymore.

I need a hug so much- I feel like a child. I know I'm a 32 year old woman, but I break just like a little girl.


Anonymous said...

My god, go out and smell the flowers. You talk about the same thing over the over again, pages and pages of boring self pity. If you want a man, some arms around you, some friends - stop feeling so sorry for yourself - stop threating Virginia suicide and live. You sound so dead already.

Anonymous said...

I can understand why you feel the pain. Try and live life a bit and most of all. Remember to eat ;-)