Every so often the darkness falls. I wake up in the night crying and screaming, thinking I can't go on. I have been now 3 days without going out, and eating only what is left in the flat- chocolate and peanuts. It all hit me last night. I have no job, I have no income, I have no life left anywhere. I'm scared alone and I always will be. And I wanted to die.
I get depressed. Depression runs in my family. I used to take drugs for it until "they" told me I was bi-polar and gave me more drugs to stop me being high. This made my mind a blank and turned me into a dribbling ape, so I agreed to take talking therapy instead and went on a waiting list. The waiting list was years long, and I moved from place to place, eventually ending up in Denmark years later where I was unable to afford a therapist or even find one that therapised in english.
So I carry the depression around with me, and in stressful situations (don't get stressed they say- dont take a stressful job) I crack up. So here I am alone,cold, hungry, no one to talk with but myself, my blog and my ex bf by sms (who is unympathetic and thinks Im crazy), dealing with all the issues in my past- child abuse, crazy parents, torture, attempted murder, rape, lonliness, divorce, miscarriage etc.. all at once trying to work through this mountain of emotions all alone in a country where Im trapped. I knew there was a reason I put a lid on these things, it's enough to kill anyone!
I am a person who needs stability, thats what Im always told. As long as I have a job that keeps my mind occupied and a place to call home, I should be in a place I can deal with stuff.
So what do I do? Give all that up- for a man! How stupid can I get! And did the man care- fuck no.
It's like opening a can of worms- I can't close it now- I have so much guilt and I hate the person I am right now. The ex says the only person that can fix that is me- but how???
HOW DO I FIX IT?
I'm a crying, hungry mess, and I just don't know what to do. I know I am supposed to stay safe, but I don't know whether I have the strength for that anymore.
I need a hug so much- I feel like a child. I know I'm a 32 year old woman, but I break just like a little girl.