Saturday, 19 January 2008

32 reasons to get a life

So having been told during my informative years that everything I believed in and thought was wrong, as an adult I found it hard to make my own decisions about my life, and rather than make decisions followed where life took me. Either that or the decisions I made were spontaneous and not thought through. So to me I couldn't trust my mind, only my heart. I made decisions with my heart instead of my head and when things went wrong my heart grew heavy. I would blame others for my mistakes because I couldn't blame myself, if I did blame myself it would re-enforce everything my parents told me. If I did anything bad or wrong, I would blame myself so much that I would want to die. The pain was unbearable and so was the guilt. If I thought I'd disappointed someone the pain would be too unbearable.

So now I have to take responsibility and give responsibilty back. I have to make my own decisions and deal with the consequences. I have to live my life for me, and not to please others.

This doesn't mean I don't want to make others happy. I do. I want so much for someone to be proud of me, but unless I am proud of myself I guess I'm setting myself up to fail.

My heart is hurting a lot right now, almost unbearably so. My head also hurts, dealing with all this realisation is not an easy process, especially without support.

I am taking the landmark course but I have also read that people have mental breakdowns when they do it, as it's a lot to take in 4 days. So I am a bit wary, especially as I have no support.

Right now I am stuck in Vietnam, as I have visa problems. I can't wait to leave and start my travels, but because I quit my job, the company reported me to immigration, and I may get flagged up at customs for questioning. SO whilst my embassy checks it out, I would rather stay put then be questioned in a vietnamese jail for 14 hours...

But I have time to think, perhaps too much time to think. And time to plan my journeys.

So far the plan is to fly to bangkok, then singapore, then malaysia, then bali, then borneo, then manilla- this brings me to the end of february, I may stay around the phillipines a while, or head off to tokyo, korea, china, and back to Thailand- where I am really hoping I can change my flight back to denmark to, as I may have problems getting back in to vietnam. My flight back to denmark is May 1st, and hopefully by then I will have figured out what I should do with my life.

My birthday is on march 26th and it looks like another birthday I will spend alone, not sure where I will be in the world but I'm sure it will be just me. Still 32- not really a reason to celebrate anyway huh? :)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Its good that you have a bit of time to thnk. Hope things goes well with the imigrations.
Inderstandable that its hard when you are alone. You learn a lot when you are alone. About yourself I mean. You are stronger than you think and you will get trough this. Im proud of you for trying to take life into your own hands. Making something of it. Live life for you and not others. But dont forget to pease others as it is a big part of who you are and what we love about you.
You are seing a lot of new things and experiencing more than most. That is a big thing to be appy about.